still here

Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
still here
6
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 11:33am
I'm still around, am always lurking and reading. Things haven't been quite as bleak as they were a couple of months ago for now, even tho I think about thinking I should be nonexistant every day. I'm not sure what I want or even how to go about what I need. I don't seem to get to a point where I allow myself to even think about what would make my life better (not that it is really that bad per se, but in the aspect of my mental health). I feel like my kids should have someone much better than I am, I feel guilty for being so distant from my dh and that I am hurting him by not always taking care of his "needs". I'm tired of living in a state of what I'm supposed to do and being afraid that I won't do it right and being afraid that what I really need or want is wrong. (wish I could explain this better). So anyways, I'm still around, life is still an everyday struggle but dying isn't a constant goal.
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: markshay
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 9:31am

Hey Sandra,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: markshay
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 3:46pm
Hello,,,I just needed to respond to Lori's response to you Sandra, if that is okay please. Lori so much you said about how others treat us affects our everyday well-being just really made me realize something. I have some big problems with my dh and he is a huge contributor to my depressive slumps. I never really thought of my emotions that are spurred and then 'nourished' from what goes on here as contributing to me being depressed but of course it makes such perfect sense! Goes to show just how cloudy my thinking has become. I'm never truly happy and haven't been for such a long time but some very hard hurdles have been placed in front of me in the past few years and I never get the much-needed support I need from my dh,,,instead he contributes to my craziness as far as I see it. He's told me I was insane just the other day and that I live in my own demented little world,,,so guess maybe I do. I just feel I am so stupid and worry so that I come across that way to other people.
Anyway sorry,,,but somehow what you said just cleared a little opening up for me,,,how anger and resentment can fuel depression and I just wanted to say thank you for giving me that little bit of 'something' to think about.
Good to see again Sandra,,,,I'm sorry I didn't want to appear rude and wash-over your post. I'm happy you are feeling even somewhat 'better',,, we take what we can right? *smile* ----- Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: markshay
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 7:46pm

Hi Abby,


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Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
In reply to: markshay
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 9:28pm

Abby, am glad that you posted and that you had some insight from Lori's post! You were NO way in any way rude!!!!!

I so wish I could get to the point of allowing myself to have some of the positives out of life. I'm embarrassed to look at myself in the mirror (not because of what I see, but just to see myself (make sense?)), I'm sooooooo afraid of letting ANYONE see me enjoy anything or to be the attention or to see me doing anything that is "good" for me or that I might want to do. I could just crawl under a rock if anyone see's me looking at them. I get so anxious about any of it. I've heard the stuff about saying thank-you to compliments and as a dutiful person, I say it, god only knows I don't want to start an argument over it that causes more attention. I don't KNOW how or even where to start in letting myself do these things. The more I try, the worse I feel. I keep hoping that once I get to be old, that I'll act like one of those old people who just don't care and say anything (but I more than likely won't, at the rate I'm going, I'll be hiding under a rock for sure). I'm scared to lose more weight because I don't want anyone to say anything about it, I'm scared to dye my hair because I don't want anyone to realize it, I just got alot of hair cut off the beginning of Jan, and it's driving me NUTS because people make comments about it. I'm trying really hard to survive thru it, but it's eating me alive! On the one hand, I want/crave the attention on the other, it's killing me (the other that is winning). Even posting, causes me alot of anxiety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh, sorry!
Sandra.

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
In reply to: markshay
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 10:51pm

Wow! Sandra, I could have written your post!

Especially:

"I so wish I could get to the point of allowing myself to have some of the positives out of life. I'm embarrassed to look at myself in the mirror (not because of what I see, but just to see myself (make sense?)), I'm sooooooo afraid of letting ANYONE see me enjoy anything or to be the attention or to see me doing anything that is "good" for me or that I might want to do. I could just crawl under a rock if anyone see's me looking at them. I get so anxious about any of it. I've heard the stuff about saying thank-you to compliments and as a dutiful person, I say it, god only knows I don't want to start an argument over it that causes more attention. "

My guidance counsellor in high school had to tell me to say thank you for compliments. I also want to disappear, but at the same time want someone to know I'm hurting and get mad when I feel invisible. I guess that's my bpd.

Lots of hugs!

Amanda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: markshay
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:32pm
Just wanted to say that I too have much difficulty with the 'compliment' thingy also. It makes me sooooooo uncomfortable and I am forever apologizing for things,,,anything and everything. Having others see me enjoy something also bothers me,,,I think it might be because of the attention put on me during that time and more so I just don't think I should be enjoying something and letting others see that. Though I so often pretend to be enjoying something because I don't want to hurt others feelings.
Posting causes me anxiety too Sandra,,,,so you are not alone in a lot of what you feel if that gives you any comfort at all.
----Abby