i have lost the will to live

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
i have lost the will to live
5
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 3:12pm

I have never felt so utterly alone and despondant in my life. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. Nothing has helped. I started with a therapist, started anti-depressants, found a support group. Every time I take a step to try and help myself things get worse. It's amazing. I work two jobs and can still barely make ends meet. My parents are such a disaster. They both moved back in with their respective parents and are constantly asking me to borrow money. My father, a horribly and ugly alcoholic, is being thrown out and wants to move in with me. Yesterday I had to take him to see his probation officer and give him enough money to not be put out on the street. People always think that I'm exaggerating this threat, but I'm not. It'll 100% happen, I just don't know when.

I live with my brother, who makes $8000 a year more than me but won't help pay the bills and constantly whines about not having any food in the house. Then orders a pizza or takes his girlfriend out. I haven't eaten anything but Spam and Ramen noodles in a month. Asking for money produces a temper tantrum like those seen on Supernanny, only from a 28-year-old man.

My pseudo-boyfriend says he wants to be there for me, but when I try to tell him what's going on, I end up having to reassure him that I love him and want to be with him. If I don't tell him what's bothering me and ask for some time alone he tells me that I'm not being communicative and therefore dooming our relationship. Well, I'm too exhausted to try and communicate when I have to spend an hour trying to convince him that the problems don't have anything to do with him. As a father, he says, he can't imagine asking his children to support him. Well, that's swell, but my father doesn't have a problem with it. The BF is puzzled and hurt that telling me I'm pretty and paying for me to have my nails done doesn't instantly fix everything. Why can't he just listen and pat my back or something.

My mother starts whining about never seeing me if I'm not around at least twice a week. Neither of my parents has retirement savings, health insurance or a stable home. Both have decided that their children will have to take care of them. Since my brother won't have anything to do with them, that means me. I'm not allowed to take a day off from my day job for at least 6 weeks because my boss is out of the office. Between it and my night job I haven't had a full day off work in 7 months.

My therapist doesn't talk to me outside of scheduled appointments. All he ever says is, "that must be very hard for you," anyway. So all I ever do is sleep. I take a sleeping pill as soon as I get home from work. If I have the afternoon off I take another one and try to sleep through that, too.

I don't have any close friends. The few friends I do have only get in touch with me when the need something, like help moving or pet-sitting. I tried to ask one for advice on the pseudo-boyfriend and she said she couldn't talk then and hung up on me. The previous day I'd spent 2 hours listening to her concerns about her boyfriend going to strip clubs with his friends once a month. There is no one I can talk to.

So honestly, I don't even try anymore. There really is nothing left for me. I haven't achieved a single on of my goals. I've made such a tremendous mess of my life that I don't think I can ever fix it or get out of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 7:49pm

Hey there and welcome to the board!! First let me say congratulations----you sound like the sanest, maturest and most stable one in your family!


It takes incredible inner strength to set boundaries with those we love/care about. But much like a parent has to with a young

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 7:49am
Hello BatGirl - First off may I say I'm sorry that your plate has been piled so high by others around you. I don't think you have made a mess of 'your life',,,it is the people who are hanging onto your ankles as you try to walk away who have messed up their lives. This may sound harsh, but they seem almost parasitic expecting you to constantly help them either financially or emotionally with no thought of 'your' needs.
I have to agree with Lori,,,you have to set some boundaries,,,some tough and non-flexible ones. I too have a father who is a bad drinker, he's not out on the street,, though he could be if he was alone,,,and I have made huge boundaries with him and other drinkers in my family,,,BatGirl,,,you just 'have' to do that to survive yourself!
Is there no way you can live on your own? ,,, easier said than done I know. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, please don't think that, I just feel so badly for you. You are working two jobs and it is like you are doing that to fund others wants and needs instead of your own. They won't go away, they will only get more dependant on you. You sound so intelligent the way you write, and I think you know this isn't a good way to live and that it is guilt keeping you doing what you are doing. Guilt can hurt, I know, but guilt can also keep you from ever making major positive changes in your life as well.
Wishing much luck to you,,,,,please take care,,,,Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 11:18pm
Hi batgirl, i need to begin by thanking you for your posting. I just came home from school (i go to a university and live with my parents) and I was feeling incredibly depressesd. I cried at songs on the radio on my drive and contemplated driving off the road. I don't have any kind of a social life because i live with my parents and they are very much against me going out any later that 9pm-ish. I am a college student but that dosn't seem to matter. I have few close friends because i don't really enjoy telling people all of the details of my personal life, and this is what brings people closer together.
I am not going to tell you to set boundries or "toughen up" because i don't think you need that. What i will say is that i feel very similar to you at times and simply don't want to go on. I do go on because if i don't there will always be that chance that my life could have gotten better but i wasn't there to see it. You see, life right now cant get that much worse so i really don't have much to loose by sticking around and finding out. I also think my funeral would be pretty pathetic. ;) Anyway, thanks so much for sharing and letting me realize that i am not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 1:47pm

Hi Ivygreen and welcome to the board! I hope you will stick around and get to know us a bit and let us get to know you. I think you'll feel supported here!


I'm sorry to hear you are also having a hard time and struggling with some things. Please know we are here if you want to "vent." Hugs, Lori

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 10:57am

Yes, I can remember telling the therapist that I thought everything that could possibly happen already had. Boy, was I wrong! Every time I think things can't get worse, they do. I think that's part of what's so frustrating for me. I've done everything I can think of to try and make things better, but none of it has helped. I'm running out of options.

I know exactly what you mean about the friends. I don't bother telling friends about what's going on anymore. They don't really want to hear it, and since there isn't anything they could do anyway, why bother? It makes you too much of a downer. Generally, people want to spend time with happy people. I can fake it very well, and it's been the only way I can maintain friendships.

Even today, I had that reinforced for me. I mentioned that I'm frustrated because my brother just bought a laptop. I'd been saving for one, but ended up forking over to dad instead. I got yet another lecture from the pseudo-boyfriend on how I'm letting everyone take advantage of me, I'm too good to people, why don't I just stop, blah blah blah. Like that hasn't occured to me. It's easy to say, but entirely different when you've been trapped alone with your abusive alcoholic for 3 hours. It seemed worth the money just to get rid of him at the time.

Million Dollar Baby just won a bunch of Oscars. When I was leaving the theater, my said, "How could anyone be so cruel to their father?" She was refering to the letters returned to the Clint Eastwood character. It's a common response, but we don't know what he did to his daughter. I find myself getting closer and closer to cutting off my whole family permanently. We don't know what he did to her. I pray for the strength to move, cancel my phone and dissapear every day.