losing once again.. trigs!!!!!!
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| Wed, 03-09-2005 - 3:55pm |
a lot has been happening in my life. 1st my dad went into the hospital due to his heart problems and he was in the CCU and now he is doing better but I went up there when he was still in the CCU and he was sitting up and talking to me and when I was getting ready to go I walked over to him and told him that I loved him and gave him a kiss and he didnt say I love you back. Mind you he heard me and didnt say anything, then he blamed me for his heart attack b/c he was working on my sons toybox that he was pose to make for them years ago, so I have all that on my shoulders on top of now I am back to my eating disorder behaviors and I have lost 6 pounds in a week and a half and I love it but my T found out today about it, I had to tell her b/c she knew I was keeping something from her so now I am going to gain all that back. I have gone off my meds cold turkey yesterday and so far I am the same as I was a few days ago. I am so depressed but I dont allow anyone to know it but this board this is the only place I feel safe at to let my gaurd down.
I am losing my grasp on my life and I am scared but at the same time I am happy, I want to die but then I dont I am so confused about everything in my life, and I am so tired of living this way.
I am sorry this post doesnt make sense but I am trying to have it make sense to me and I CANT and I umm feel all alone right now if my kids werent here I would take all my meds. maybe I should tonight then just leave the house so noone will find me.
my best friend says I am not a good mommy b/c I do my ED behaviors with my kids in the house. so maybe it would be better if I would jsut enbd all the pain and confusion that I have caused.
mary

Hi Dear Mary,
((((((((((((((((((((((Mary)))))))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry you are hurting. I completely understand. I was so close to the end just this Sunday.
You don't deserve to hurt. You need to stand up for yourself and not let others hurt you. And take care not to hurt yourself.
Your kids need you. Please keep them in mind. They love you.
Your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend if she only passes judgement without anything more constructive to go along with it.
You can get through this.
Stay safe.
Lots of hugs
Amanda
Hi Lori well I am still here and havent done anything yet. My T called me b4 she left worl last night just to check on me and I told her that I was very very depressed and her and I came up with a plan to keep me safe until I see her again.
As far as my paretns go for some reason I have this need and desire to have my parents love and acceptance and yet I know I will never get that from them all I get from them is pain and hurtful words.
my friend is a very dear person to me and she only tries to make me see how much I do love my children and she too has an eating disorder and she knows that in the past I have almost died from my eating disorder, in 92 I had a brain bleed and a stroke due to my abuse of diet pills and purging and almost died so she wants to make sure that it doesnt happen again.
When I get down this low it is very hard for me to think clear and to realize that Iam an important person in my childrens life and that they need me as much as I need them. I promised my T that I would go back on my meds, and that I would call her if I was going to harm myself.
Lori you are really a special person. I know i can come to this board and post wat ever I need to and I will be supported. You have really helped me in my journey towards the light and I have to keep in mind that at times I will be taken back to the place of total blackness and utter loneliness and I have this board and you to remind me that I have gotten past it in the past and I will over come it again, nad when I get that down it is hard for me to see anything past the depression, but you help me see that I have done it b4 and I will do it again.
thank you so much Lori and the board.
Mary
Hello Mary ,,,, Your posts hit my heart and I just wanted and needed to express to you that I care about how you are doing and so wish the 'light' will start to illuminate all around you very very soon!
I'm not doing as well as I wish so I can't talk much more,,,I'm sorry,,,,but please know you matter okay,,,,,,Abby
Hi Mary,