3 weeks in the hospital
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3 weeks in the hospital
| Thu, 03-10-2005 - 1:58pm |
i was admitted after my h accessed my email,suicide notes...i do not even remember the surrounding circumstances.all i know is i feel like garbage & my admitting doc said not to stress anything for 6 months.
well...i get home & it seems my mother was visiting from out of town & taking care of my family.
not without a price.
this woman,who never had to care for 3 kids & a home on her own before...sat me down & tore into me within days of my arriving home.
i would say yesterday seemed a good day for suicide.
today was an improvment...my 1st day on my own,i got a parking ticket & somehow permanently broke the dryer.so much for the money my h saved while i was in the hospital.
1st she tells me in secret how my h came home moaning that he'd never be able to afford the 2 days of therapy my dr. insists i get per week.
he moaned about finding a psychiatrist as opposed to my gp who prescribes.
she HAD to tell me...& then asked why i felt i had to waste his money on jenny craig(i've become 20 pounds overweight during all this self abuse & experimentation.)& in the same breath tried to insist i join an exclusive yoga studio.
what are you going to do?she asked.she said i'm rude b/c i go to bed w/out saying goodnight(last night she came in my room while i was sleeping turned on the overhead & said...well...goodnight.!)
she told me my house is filthy & i'm a terrible mother b/c i don't clean my kids drawers or even make their beds(after 1 day of being home)
she knew i didn't want to be married,but what was i gonna do about it,since my husband was my enabler,but i seemed to like being enabled.
gets better.
i should stay w/ my h even tho i don't love him & he's a terrible provider b/c most men would've said bye when their wife got so sick & they found out SO MUCH dirt about her.
or my kids would be in fostercare b/c i do not respect them & i am lucky they are good despite me being their mother.
she said i don't seem to be 100% here & WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT>
she reminded me of all the terrible things i did at the peak of my illness.in detail.
then she took me out & bought me clothes that fit.
the fact that i made it thru yesterday...even the indignity of my mother & father at the same dinner table..well...it says alot for my fortitude & that the meds i take are really really good emotion blockers.
i'm scared.
when am i going to feel ok again?
i don't know what my h did in my 1st days being hospitalised but all the toxic friends are nowhere to be seen.
i don't know if that's coincidence or he orchestrated it but my email box is empty & no one knows i've been gone.
i don't feel human or good in my skin.
just venting.i don't know if this is over & my ability to feel seems to no longer exist.
something a young girl i know complained of & WHEN she DID feel..well..it was unbearable.
well...i get home & it seems my mother was visiting from out of town & taking care of my family.
not without a price.
this woman,who never had to care for 3 kids & a home on her own before...sat me down & tore into me within days of my arriving home.
i would say yesterday seemed a good day for suicide.
today was an improvment...my 1st day on my own,i got a parking ticket & somehow permanently broke the dryer.so much for the money my h saved while i was in the hospital.
1st she tells me in secret how my h came home moaning that he'd never be able to afford the 2 days of therapy my dr. insists i get per week.
he moaned about finding a psychiatrist as opposed to my gp who prescribes.
she HAD to tell me...& then asked why i felt i had to waste his money on jenny craig(i've become 20 pounds overweight during all this self abuse & experimentation.)& in the same breath tried to insist i join an exclusive yoga studio.
what are you going to do?she asked.she said i'm rude b/c i go to bed w/out saying goodnight(last night she came in my room while i was sleeping turned on the overhead & said...well...goodnight.!)
she told me my house is filthy & i'm a terrible mother b/c i don't clean my kids drawers or even make their beds(after 1 day of being home)
she knew i didn't want to be married,but what was i gonna do about it,since my husband was my enabler,but i seemed to like being enabled.
gets better.
i should stay w/ my h even tho i don't love him & he's a terrible provider b/c most men would've said bye when their wife got so sick & they found out SO MUCH dirt about her.
or my kids would be in fostercare b/c i do not respect them & i am lucky they are good despite me being their mother.
she said i don't seem to be 100% here & WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT>
she reminded me of all the terrible things i did at the peak of my illness.in detail.
then she took me out & bought me clothes that fit.
the fact that i made it thru yesterday...even the indignity of my mother & father at the same dinner table..well...it says alot for my fortitude & that the meds i take are really really good emotion blockers.
i'm scared.
when am i going to feel ok again?
i don't know what my h did in my 1st days being hospitalised but all the toxic friends are nowhere to be seen.
i don't know if that's coincidence or he orchestrated it but my email box is empty & no one knows i've been gone.
i don't feel human or good in my skin.
just venting.i don't know if this is over & my ability to feel seems to no longer exist.
something a young girl i know complained of & WHEN she DID feel..well..it was unbearable.

Hi there,
actually she went home to arizona & the only thing i need to worry about is her next visit OR next xmas when she wants us all to visit.
fortunately i have my father's support & my husbands who i'm told specifically asked her NOT to ask me for any conclusions or to make any complaints.he says that obviously she still does not beleive that i have an illness & that is HER problem.
but as you can imagine...not having the support of your own mother is very very disappointing,especially to a mother of 3 daughters.everyone tells me how much they NEED me,but all i can see is how much i would benefit from NOT dealing w/ my own mother.
at least iwill not miss her when she is gone so it might be a good thing...NOT to be too attatched to my mother.
it was awful....but i can see how my meds are benefitting me in the same way ect(which i would've had if a lamectal rash hadn't prolonged my hospital stay)would have.
at least the way a patien described it to me.he said the memories stay but lose the sting.
that's exactly how i feel. & its welcome right now.
i was knocked sideways w/ a daytime dose of seroquel but decided to take it all at night instead & i feel much more part of the human race this morning.
the rash was a bad setback(2 weeks w/ no meds at all)but i'm glad for it...as people ask WHY i was away so long & i have the ghost of the rash still on my skin & can blame it on that instead of mental illness...some peopl;e know but don't ask & this morning i begin my acting classes for children so its best that most people think it was the rash that put me in the hospital.
wish me luck...this is my new home bisiness & i want more than anything for it to work!
Hi there,