Failure (triggs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Failure (triggs)
5
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 2:25pm

For many years, I hid my depression and pretended to be happy and normal. I got straight A's in school, graduated cummma sum laude, and got a pretty prestigious job that paid well. My friends and family thought I was lucky and had a great life. No one knew how hard it was for me to keep it up, or how much pain I had inside.

Then I quit my job, and moved because I wanted to go to grad school. That's when I broke down. I dropped out of grad school and I'm unemployed. I've had no job for almost a year. My marriage is also a failure. My husband is also unemployed but he doesn't even try to find a job. He gets mad if I suggest he try to find a job too. I try to find a job but I can't. I go on interviews but I'm depressed, it's obvious, and no one wants to hire a suicidally depressed person. They don't know I'm suicidal but they can see I'm not the confident, enthusiastic type of person they want to hire.

I've gone from a success to an unemployed drop-out who lies in bed all day wishing she was dead. I've gone from a success to a total failure. The fact is, I've felt this way the whole time inside. I just had the strenght to hide it. But my strenght had to run out sometime, and it did.

My husband is also a porno addict who spent all his time for the past three years in 12 step meetings, yet he still hasn't even finished the third step. Of couse, that's my fault somehow according to him. It's my fault because I don't support his recovery enough. (Sarcasm). I love my husband very much but he has so many issues and I'm sick of his issues, I know that sounds hypocritical coming from me but I'm only human! I've also realized he will never "recover" because he likes to be sick, it's easier than dealing with life as a healthy person. (I'm probably being a hypocrite again, but I think it's different. I tried for years before I gave up, but he always takes the easy way out).

And also, I can't drive. I am terrified of driving and I have panic attacks when I try. I am afraid of killing or hurting someone becuase a car is a deadly weapon. I have slow reflexes and terrible coordination, so I don't think I'm fit to drive. But without that, it's a huge handicap. I really feel trapped. There were so many times when I would have walked out of my marriage if only I could drive away. But where could I go on foot?

My parents are worried about me. I wish I could move back home with them but they don't have enough room or money, they work so hard and are struggling. I tried to tell them I'm depressed, but I don't think they understand.

When you're so depressed you lie in bed all day, it looks to the world that you're a lazy bum. I know that's what everyone must think, because no one can understand this kind of pain unless you feel it yourself. I think you will understand me.

Now that I've been unemployed for a year, who will hire me now and even if I got a job I don't know if I could do it, I feel that bad. My dad just sent me another email that he wants to have a meeting to talk about my career and he'll try to help me. He's been trying to help me get a job for months, and I keep letting him down.

Every night I pray that I'll be dead by the morning. If I were to die in a second my wish would come true. It is all hopeless! I have ruined my life and I don't know what I can do to make it better.

Do you understand? Do you think I'm just a lazy failure? Why isn't eutanasia legal! The only think stopping me from suicide is that I can't tolerate physical pain. Ironically, I'm in emotional pain every second of the day! How is that for ironic?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 5:29pm
you are NOT a lazy failure & you are certainly not a hypocrite.i think that you've done alot of hard work & that it's good that you realize that you cannot solve your husband's problems & that you are not sure that you want to deal with them anymore.GOOD for you.that's a big accomplishment.
have the meeting with your father(provided you have a good relationship with him)& TELL HIM THE 100% TRUTH....he MIGHT understand more than you anticipate & getting the burden off...sharing it with someone who is not depressed,may take alot off your own shoulders.fighting & hiding depression is exhausting work.is it possible hhe can HELP you find some help?a therapist or dr.?
forget what you feel you HAVE to do.concentrate on what you NEED.
you must talk to someone ASAP about these suicidal urges(& no one cares if you've been out of work for a year...i've been out of work for a dozen.when you're strong enough,you will find work...you didn't go thru all that schooling for nothing)BUT FIRST you MUST get5 help & get thru this depression!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:40pm

Hi there and welcome to the board! I think you will find it a supportive place and I hope you'll stick around and let us get to know you better as well as allow you to know us!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 2:13pm

Thank you for caring and understanding.

Yesterday, I told my husband that I want to kill myself. It upset him a lot, and I feel guilty. I've told him many times in the past, he's the only one I've confided in, but it scares him and hurts him and then I hate myself even more. Nice vicious circle!

I don't want to have to spell it out but yet part of me hopes someone will figure it out and help me somehow. I have done many things that were "cries for help" and said many hints to my parents,friends, and coworkers that I thought were way obvious, but they never figured it out.

When I read about sucides and the family/friends say they never saw it coming, I bet the person tried and tried to tell them, but they didn't notice. No one has noticed any of my hints or "red flags", and I don't get it because there have been many. I know you're probably thinking, "Why not just tell the plain truth?" But I'm afraid that will make it worse. I am afraid of being commited and totally losing control! I'm afriad that no one will understand, and think I'm trying to get attention or manipulating them. This is very likely, so I don't say anything. I even called suicide hotlines twice and they were nice but not very helpful.

The only people who understand are probably here... like you...thank you for being so kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 2:31pm

Finally, someone understands! It's not just a mood, I can't pull myself out of it, I'm not doing this for attention, I'm not sleeping 12 hours a day just because I'm lazy, I don't WANT my life to be like this, no one would choose this. But everyone thinks it's an excuse to avoid "dealing with the problems of life" or just "a stunt to get attention".

I love my husband but his issues are a big strain on me. He's gone to therapy for 2 years, group and individual, and it doesn't seen to help. I think he's addicted to therapy. I've tried it to, and it didn't help much. No matter what I said, my therapist just said, "And how do you feel about that?..." "And how does that make you feel?" "How do you feel today?" :) Caring, but not very helpful.

I'm glad the hospital helped you! I am afraid of it, I've read a lot of books about mental health and heard some horror stories about hospitals.

I've done a lot of reading about mental health, and it occured to me that I might have Asperger's syndrome. (It's a very high functioning form of autism). So I tried to tell my parents that, and got no response at all. My family is the type that almost doesn't believe in a lot of mental health issues and thinks it's an excuse. The problem is, I faked it so long that they think I'm normal and now when I try to tell them I'm not, they don't believe me!!!!

I wanted them to say, "Oh you probably do have asperger's, that explains why you can't deal with things in life that are so easy for most people, you are incredible to have done so well despite this, but you don't have to pretend anymore, we'll help you," but that is a total fantasy. So ironically, even if I am high functioning autistic, if no one believes me that won't help me any! I'm even worried that therapists won't believe me since I seem so normal and healthy on the outside in many ways...they don't know that I had to work ten times as hard as my colleagues just to get through the day!

None of the therapists really gave me a diagnosis. My husband called the mental health clinc to see if they can test me for asperger's, but they are booked for a long time and have no appointments. It is so hard to find help, even when you try so hard. And then people wonder why I just want to give up.

I'm also feeling kind of bitter that no one noticed that I needed help as a child. I never talked to the other kids, I was beyond shy, I was always a loner. But because I always got A's, because I was obidient, no one noticed something was very wrong! If I got special ed back then, if someone noticed I couldn't fit in with the kids, I would be in a better place right now. But they thought I was "the perfect student, such a good girl!" So I believed it too, and if that was true, if I felt bad and afraid, it must be because I'm weak and lazy, I'm not trying hard enough! Teachers and parents should realize, it's not just the "out of control" kids that need help. In fact, sometimes the "good", quiet kids are the ones with the most serious problems, if only someone cared enough to find out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 9:03am

Thanks for writing back.... Yes, I've heard of Asperger's. In fact, we studied it some in college (I have degrees in mental health but am not in that role here--just a support person, board leader) Asperger's can be very subtle and not easy to diagnose correctly. Can your family physician point you in the right direction? Might be an option for you!


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