update

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Registered: 02-06-2004
update
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Sun, 03-20-2005 - 2:58pm

This will be the beginning of a long update but I don't want to post so much that no one reads it, not that I expect too much anyway. I don't want to impose when others have struggles too.

The beginning of my update is my appointments.

My disability counsellor is the one out of all the people I see that I like to talk to but I really don't think that her job to listen to my problems. I also don't think I'll be able to see her in the summer because I won't be in school in the summer. I wonder if I can get my registration for my second degree program moved up to the summer so that I can be in school in the summer. I'm anxious because I don't have another appointment set up with her and think I will never see her again and I really like her.

The second appointment was with the psychologist at school. It was only our second meeting and it was better than the first which I was really really nervous and didn't know her and didn't know what to talk about and the first thing she says when we started that appointment was "how can I help you?" Couldn't we work up to that... give me a few questions first and then we'll see what I need to work on. This time we talked about my recent dissociation. Ya that was fun :( I have a really weird thing that grounded me in that but I need something that I can access at any time. It was just a fluke that I saw this. Well I didn't even know that it would ground me.

The third was with the school psychiatrist. We'll come back to that another time.

Amanda

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Registered: 02-06-2004
In reply to: schitz
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 11:55pm

The third appointment this week was with the psychiatrist. This was our first meeting. I was very nervous, as I am with anything for the first time. I actually declined the suggestion that I could meet with her when my disabiltiy counsellor suggested it. Then when the psychologist suggested it, I was in a mental wellness group at school and the psychiatrist came to answer any questions, so I was familiar with her after that although hadn't really "met". She says she isn't sure about all the dx's I have been given - I think she is leaning toward bpd with possible bipolar and has added one that no one has given me before - a tic disorder. I never knew I had a tic?! I don't know what disorder that falls under or if it's one on its own. Then there is the fact that we didn't even finish our inital interview in the 45 min we were supposed to. She said she needs more information. She is going to talk to my dr and get my records from the mental health clinc and then we are going to continue with our interview. Yikes.

We also talked about some very serious issues that I had never told anyone about let alone talked about so that was tough. I think I probably looked epileptic with all the shaking i did that appointment. I was so shaken emotionally that i had to skip my next class. I was supposed to have an hour between my appointment and my next class but I went in late and got out of the appointment even later. I think she had no lunch break left by the time I left there.

It is funny that after the appointment I really wanted to call my friend from the mental wellness group (who also happened to have her first appointment with the same same doc.). And then I looked in my purse because I thought I had it on the paper that had her email address but it didn't and then I remember she gave it to me when we were talking online so it wouldn't be on that paper. I was sitting in the lounge for a few mintjues and there she is! (There are many lounges in many buildings, and she doesn't hang out there). So that was awesome. I ditched my class and my friend and I grabbed a coffee (actually iced chai latte and iced cappuccino) and walked around campus. I still had to go to work so I didn't have much time, the same as if I had gone to class, but I liked this use of it better, plus I have been surprisingly good about going to class this year.

Amanda

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Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: schitz
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 10:52am

Hi Amanda,


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In reply to: schitz
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:05am

Thanks (((Lori)))

It's not that she thinks she has served her purpose and wants to get rid of me, thankfully (although sometimes I believe that way). It's just that as my disability counsellor she is not there to be my therapist. Still I have decided that I'm going to make an appointment. I was going to do that today but I didn't when I was at school and then I was going to call when I got home (at least I wouldn't have to book it in person) but I didn't either. So hopefully I get up the courage before it's too late! I need to know what I am doing with my assignments, exams, what happens in the summer and if I see her next year and if I can see her before next year. That's going to be so hard to ask. I wish that she could just know that I need to hear that without me asking the question! If only!

So far my week is okay. I am looking forward to going to Toronto on Wednesday. That's keeping me going, but at the same time I'm not getting my essays done and I'm starting to freak out about that. I wanted to have one to hand in tomorrow and the other in a week, but I wanted them all written this week so I could start editing next Sunday and it would all be good. The best laid plans....

How are you?

Amanda

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Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: schitz
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:49am

Hey Amanda,


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In reply to: schitz
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:44am

Hi Lori,

Well I didn't call my disability counsellor or the office to make an appointment. I will I promise...some day. I can't even muster the courage to email, even though that is less personal than talking on the phone...but that still means I will have to face her at my next appointment.

You're telling me it's hard to do school and battle depression...add to that OCD, GAD, bipolar, BPD...whatever, and it's disasterous. Oh and add to that working nearly full time.

Oh the sunshine, how I've missed thee! It was so beautiful today. I think it was at least 6C today. I was walking around without a coat! Now if the thaw would happen and get over with it so I can start sitting on the grass behind my favourite building on campus. Unfortunately, by the time that happens I will have already finished classes and exams. OMG! I can't believe it. If all works out I will be a graduate in a month and a half!

Oh and BTW I had a cat named Simon too! And before that there was Wicca.

A quiet day with the cat. I wish. Can I come over :)

Amanda

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In reply to: schitz
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:30am

You're right---must be that much tougher trying to deal with school AND battle not just depression but all the other stuff you are dealing with! But you are doing it--or at least trying and that takes a HUGE amount of effort and courage!! Graduating soon is also something to look forward to and be proud of!!!


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In reply to: schitz
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 9:01pm

Wicca was black. Simon was black and gray tabby.

I am really trying but it's hard. I'm ready to give up. If I cancelled all my appointments and stopped taking my meds would anyone care? I really don't think so. People don't have the time or resources to be checking up on everyone who cancels their appointment...especially when I was manic last time I was in there. I'm getting sick of it all even though I know I've just begun. I'm so close, yet so far from graduating. Everything is always such a precarious balance.

Amanda

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Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: schitz
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 10:16am

Simon is a black tabby. He's about three years old (the vet says) but he sure has some kitten still in him---energy to spare--lol!


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Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
In reply to: schitz
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 2:09pm

((Lori))

So close yet so far seems to be my motto. With me (and this is definately the borderline personality showing) the slightest feeling of being overwhelmed and I think I'm going to fail and might as well just quit now and save the energy. You should see the footnote I put on my essay...and I can't believe I left it there.

ah here it is...

* I am aware that there are very little references used. This is all out of my stupid little head. I found this topic to be difficult to write upon using specific examples from Fear and Trembling, and in the CCW there is only a small section that even mentions this topic. By the time I realized how horrible this topic is, it was too late. I couldn’t come up with a new topic, especially since they had to be approved ahead of time. I am quite upset with this course as a whole. I did not want a philosophy course. If I did I would have taken a philosophy course. I took this as a religious studies course and think it should be more relevant to religious studies… how did Kierkegaard see Christendom? How did he want to change it? Well that’s my little rant. As I’m going to fail this course anyway, I figure it doesn’t matter anymore.

Such a catastrophizer!

Amanda

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