too quickly fell into the pit TRIGGERS

Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
too quickly fell into the pit TRIGGERS
5
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 2:06pm
If my kids wouldn't be home soon and If I didn't have them at all, I'd be activitely attempting to kill myself. I am such a waste of time and energy and will never get anywhere. I will forever be a waste of time that can never be untangled.
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 3:41pm
that's just not true.
just ask your children.
is there anyone you can call?
if there's no one you feel can help...call the suicide hotline.i did once when i was on the edge & someone talked to me till i calmed down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:54am

Hi Sandra,


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Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 7:21pm
I guess my problem is that the depression is always there, will always be there and it's just me. I'm tired of thinking that I could somehow be different. I'm tired of trying to be "ok". I don't know how my fears and messed up thinking got to be this way. I don't know how to really explain how I feel or think, it's not all that clear to me anyways. 20 years I've been trying to figure this out. All I ever hear is I need to do this or that (which these suggestions don't make much sense to me and I don't know how to deal with all the underlying crap and terrifying feelings that goes along with it). I spend my entire being trying to be what I think everyone wants me to be, to do things that will help others like me, and to be special and to try to keep others from seeing me as the messed up person that I am (since they always tell me what I am doing wrong and how I should fix it and whatever pat answers they can come up with). I have no idea what I want (no idea where I'd like to take a vacation, no idea where I'd like to be in 5 years (not next week, not alone years from now, no idea what I really think about things, no belief in much of anything, no idea what I'd like to accomplish in life, no idea what I want to be when I 'grow' up, etc). In some ways I feel totally lifeless, in another way I feel messed up that there is no way to even begin to sort it out. I'm sorry for rambling. I'm sure none of this makes any sense.
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 10:30pm
Good evening! I am here to make you smile. Lol *insert cheesy voice*. No.
I want to ask you something - why do you need to know ... where you want to go on vacation or where you want to be? Sometimes, the joy in life is found in spontaneity.
Go to... Australia and ... become a ... stay-at-home entrepreneur who lives in a mansion with seven pools. Just because I said so. Ha. Choose something and go for it. And who told you that you are a waste of time? I remember some quote which someone said, sorta like this: "Anyone who lightens the burden of another is not useless." You have lightened the burden greatly of your children. Smile. Dance in the rain. I know I am lighthearted, but innocence, naviety, spontaneity, HAPPINESS, and OPTIMISIM - are good. Believe it or not. Just... snap out of it and don't think about it. Eat your favorite food and go to a movie. Dance in the rain. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2005
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 9:05am
Oh, and it makes perfect sense. I know this is sort of corny, but - I have experienced a little bit of a differemt thing, and I wrote a poem about it. Told you it was corny - "...rotting skeletons of thought..." - corny. Oh well. It helped me see... what I thought. Isn't that weird? I know that I am very corny, but you wouldn't be surprised at my age. I just had so many decisions to make and couldn't make anything, and the billions of suggestions I got didn't help either. I think of 20 things I was supposed to do, and then someone says something and I forget everything, then going crazy over something I remember was important. I am still in that phase, but I don't really care now. Because... important things will come to you. Don't sweat the small stuff. I am a corny person> I ADMIT IT, WORLD! Good luck.