How much longer?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
How much longer?
6
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 3:35pm
I posted this on the depression site but it may "fit" this one better...
I have battled depression for as long as I can remember. I've always wanted to go "home." Death has never scared me and it's always been something that I have looked forward to. Anyone who knows this about me, thinks that is nuts. I keep trying to see what everyone else sees, why they all insist that being alive is so important, but I don't see it.
Stop babbling, KM! Ok, so my question, if anyone else has fought depression for a long time, when is it acceptable to throw in the towel? If I was fighting cancer for 18 years and decided to give up, people would understand. Why is depression different? It's just as painful (and yes I've had both). Why should I stay here?
My DH wants me try a new doc and new meds. I've been on all of them. I don't want to go through it all over again. What if they just don't work on me? I waste more time here and dement my daughter further by having a crazy, sad mom?
I don't even know why I'm writing this, I don't think I even want help. I just don't understand my it's bad for depression to take your life but okay for another disease, like cancer, to take your life. If it's incurable, what is the difference?
Isn't there anyone else who tried all the meds and still didn't improve? Are any of them out there or are they already gone?
KM
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 3:47pm
i'm here & i am with you.
i don't know the answer but its true...its NOT ok to take your life when youre depressed.& if you have cancer you have to wait for it to kill you.its not ok for you to take your life then,either
i often thought that the one plus to being depressed is that you stop fearing disease.you are someone who has battled both...is my theory true?
i just wonder.
i'm assuming you fought the cancer.
i think you SHOULD take your husband's advice on this tho.
i really do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:43am

Hi K and welcome to our board! I think you will find this a supportive place to be!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 12:15pm
Thank you for your reply and advice. The cancer was caught so early and easily removed with surgery. No further treatment was necessary, so I didn't really fight as much as others have.
Anyway, I'm feeling a little better, but I still wish I could feel something, feel hope, see some light, actually enjoy something. Depression has robbed me of my love of reading, I no longer have the concentration. I had hobbies, I had career ideas, now I can't think of a thing that I would enjoy doing. I want to want something. Does that make sense? I want to crave a food or a movie or anything. I just feel so numb.
Wait, there is something I want, I want my daughter and my husband to be happy. I'm just still not sure if I'm going to be the one to do so, or if I'll be watching from above. I guess we'll see, day by day, right?
KMK
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 2:17pm

I used to hate that numb feeling---sometimes even more than the depression because at least with the depression I was FEELING SOMETHING!! Also, I recognized the dangerousness of feeling numb.... Depression tends to alter one's perception and can impair judgement and when you couple that with the psychic numbing it's NOT a good thing!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2005
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 9:32pm
I read your message and noticed that you have a daughter. Well I currently suffer from being depressed as well, but however I know you said that you see no point in living? Well A year ago this month my father commited suicide and a year and a month before that my brother as well. I know its hard being depression and not wanting to live, but as a daughter of a suicide I would just like for you to see it from a child's view. I know you said that what's the difference between dying from cancer and not depression. Well what I continue to suffer from is the thought that my father chose to died and that is the hardest thing that I could ever deal with. I would much rather my father die accidently rather than intentionally. I know its hard and I'm sure you don't want your daughter to have a sad mother, but trust me I'm sure she would rather be able to help her sad mother, then wondering what could she have done. I don't know if any of this that I'm saying is helping or if you care. But I ask one thing. Please think of your child. She needs you sad or not sad. Be there for each other. The view of a 19yr old.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 10:25am

Hi and welcome to our board! I think you will find it a friendly supportive place to be!


I saw your post and just wanted to take a moment to welcome you AND to THANK YOU. There is such WISDOM in your words and I am touched that you would take the time to support someone else given that you are still feeling depressed and grieving so much loss in your own life! That says a lot about the kind of person you are and I'm SURE your departed loved ones are so very proud for despite the fact that depression took their lives, their loss is not in vain because you are speaking out to prevent similar tragedies in someone else's life!


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