wat the flip wrong with me? trig

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
wat the flip wrong with me? trig
10
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 6:44pm

well I had my T session today and well I left there feeling like a worthless peice of garbage. my T wants me to write a letter to my kids in case I die and explain to them why I chose my eating disorder over them, so I did that and then I went to wal mart and got a bottle of Tylenol PM that I am going to take, I am not sure when since I have to schedule things around rather I can get someone to take my kids then I am going to leave the house so no one will find me, and do it. Sorry Lori but I jsut cant keep hurting the ppl who I love and care about I know I will never get to see my g-ma again but I hope the Lord will forgive me and I hope you all will also. Lori you are a friend to me even tho we have never met I feel like I know you and have known you. TY for all the kind words and being there for me.

Sorry all
Mary

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 8:15am
is your thearapist trying a form of "shock therapy"?it sure sounds like it.
did you actually tell her what you are going to do??????????????????
DO NOT take the tylenol pm.....besides the fact that I DON'T WANT YOU TO KILL YOURSRELF...it will not kill you.it'll make you very very sick is all.trust me on this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 10:37am

Oh Mary hon.....don't feel the need to apologize to me--although I WOULD feel very sad if you left us in that manner. I too feel as if I know you and I'm glad at some point along the way my words helped you through. I only wish I could do so again!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 11:22am
The only thing about going to Hospital Lori is that my DH will lose his job which in turn means we will lose the house and then I would have that on my hands. Why cant I be normal not have to deal with massive depression.
I have not talked to my T about how I am feeling, and I can't it is real hard for to be open with my feelings and thoughts when it is face to face.
ok so now I am not going to take the Tylenol PM, I dont want to just get sick I want to end it all. I CAN NOT DO THIS ANY MORE. The only thing I think of anymore is my kids life w/o me and it makes me so sad, I dont want to die but I am so tired of fighting to be happy and stay happy, I am tired of the pain yet I dont want to leave my kids, I can see my baby's face w/o his mommy. I know i need to go into the Hospital but I cant, I cant afford it for one thing and my DH will lose his job.
sorry if this makes no sense to any one I just said wat was in my head
Mary
Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 12:39pm
why can't you talk to your T.?that's the person you MUST be honest with...i...also(?)have been in the position of having a T i couldn't be honest with....is that the problem?maybe we can help you find a new one.
tell us,please..
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 2:55pm

Hi Mary...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 3:38pm

TY Lori, but to be honest with you, when I said I wasnt going to take the tylenol I didnt mean I wasnt going to take something else, but right now I am fighting that urge, I try to picture my kids w/o me and my baby w/o me to cuddle with him on the couch and I am so confused, and frustrated with everything.
I dont think the laws apply for his job b/c his job is in the farming business he makes feed for over 2 million chickens, and I know they dont have the Family medical leave act there b/c they dont have enough employees.

I am very fearful that I am going to just give up I still have some fight in me and I hope that is enough to get me through this episode. I posted on the thyroid board but wasnt too honest with them but let them know a bit about me and the ones that posted said that my thyroid has a lot to do with my depression if that is the case then I am more or less screwed b/c it takes a while to get my levels to a norm or wat they say is normal and they doc lowered my thyroid meds so I have to get back up to a normal for me, and I dont think I am going to beable to deal with this depression for 4 months more.

I am not sleeping much now I am up every 2 hours, and I love my best friend but I just dont think she really understands me at times heck I dont understand me most of the time.

I am so confused.

mary

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 4:11pm
WE understand you so please keep talking all you want.
can you tell your husband everything?i mean ,does HE "get it?"..b/c for the longest time mine didn't not at all....
he told me that i didn't have the "luxury" of going to the hospital.
he was my worst enemy & one of the things in my life i wanted to escape was HIM.
so i tried...well....i will not get specific but i made 3 attempts & that's all i thought they were b/c that's what everyone told me i did...& i wrote a suicide letter in a drunken & klonopin stupor & one of those people called me back to tell me the "right" way to do it.
can you beleive it?
well...that person doesn't have a clue what became of me,but my husband accessed my email & found all my letters & my ramblings...he accessed my sites such as this & he GOT IT.he told me i had to go to the hospital or i was going to die.this was after he read confessions of all my destructive & quite selfish & mad acts.
my point is....you might be surprised.
after i came out i still got reamed by my mother who has lived with my mental illness all her life & still obviously doesn't beleive that it is not in my control.
& when my husband re acted to my tale of her rant with "how dare she"...& that he had previously TOLD her she WASN'T ALLOWED to confront me with complaints about what i had done & my current shortcomings....well...no one was more surprised than i was.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 4:52pm

No my DH doesnt GET IT and never will I have been hospitalized over 5 times 12 years ago and he has never been able to get it. The only thing he worries about is rather I am going to be sent to the hospital or not, He doesnt care how I am feeling graanted he says he does and he asks me all the time if I am ok, but I am not I know what is going to happen and I am scared right now I still have some fight but when that fight is gone I am not sure what is going to happen to me.

I am not one to ask for help but I am about ready to call my T up and ask for help but I am not sure if I can do that right yet.

The only thing my DH knows is that I am depressed, I am Anorexic, and I have MPD, and that I was sexually abused as a child, but other then that he knows nothing and I dont think he wants to know anything. I just feel at times that everyone is against me and wanting me to fail and die.

Mary

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 5:56pm
oh mary...that's ALOT!you have MPD?i for one am impressed with how you DO manage.
really.
DO CALL YOUR T.
you absolutely must.
take it from someone who continued to call THE WRONG PEOPLE FOR HELP over & over again without trusting the people i should trust.
please call.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 2:03pm

Hi Mary,


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