panic and tears

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
panic and tears
3
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 8:47pm

The next installment of my saga lol...

Last weekend was not a fun one. Starting Friday things went downhill. I had a massive panic attack when I was sitting outside the building of the class that I was just about to go to and so my prof so me flipping out and shaking and hyperventillating, all that wonderful stuff. This is my cool prof that i talk to every week mind you, but still it's embarassing whenever I have a panic attack. I especially felt like a loser because she went upstairs to put the video on and came back down to stay with me...and she asked me twice if I wanted to go to the hospital (probably 100ft away). I said no way. What the heck would they do for me. So she must have been pretty worried and didn't know what to do. When she came back outside I had taken off my scarf and coat and rolled up my sleeves. I was boiling. I'd have to be to roll up my sleeves. I never wear short sleeves or show my arms in any way. She said I was nuts, it's freezing. Go figure. Then without even having gotten over the shaking I got up and decided I was going for a walk, nearly falling over when I got up. So I left and Dr. C. went back up to the class.

I had to work that night. There was no way I could go to the hospital. My boss works during the day and there is no one else to work friday nights so he'd have to work friday night too. I managed to get through it somehow.

Getting through work the next night wasn't so good. I was constantly on the verge of tears (actually think that started the day before) So, I went to work Sat and went to the back and cooked bacon (balling my eyes out) and did prep so I wouldn't have to deal with customers. But only a couple of hours into the shift my coworker left - since one of the day shift girls took the day off. I cried and cried all night. Sometimes just streams of tears rushing down my face and others all-out wailing. I don’t know how I made it through that night. I was SSSSSOOOOOOOOOOO alone. I got home safe and stayed safe.

I went to church in the morning but was late so I couldn’t tune and get set up to play my guitar, but the pastor set up a microphone and I sang. At the time he was first setting it up, tears were streaming down my face but by the time everyone finished greeting each other I was ready to sing. Tried to put on a semi-happy face. After the service I was curled up in a ball, sobbing again like I had lost my best friend.

For the first time since the tears started three days earlier, I felt a bit better. You know, the “good cry” that you get it out and get on with life. Up until then I cried a bit and it remained just below the surface so anything could bring it back up again.

again, sorry for so long,

Miserable one aka Amanda

p.s. since then I saw dr. c and she didn’t say anything directly about the incident asked how I was but normally does. got some ativan…after the fact of course

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: schitz
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 2:13pm

Hi Amanda,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
In reply to: schitz
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 8:41pm

Thanks Lori *hugs*

Ya my prof IS supportive. She is the one who said she would give me accommodations and got me to go to the disability services. I had told her I was Manic-Depressive last year. She even said that she had never seen me struggling so much as this year. I don't know why that is. Thankfully I did get accommodations in place. I talk to her every week. I have felt like I liked her from the very beginning. Even wonder if I have an inappropriate relationship by bordering on *egads* friendship. I hope that we do continue to have a relationship after I graduate and/or she leaves the university.

I have a friend who I had been talking to. He was a bus driver. I found out later he was a pastor and so I went to hear him speak at church (and he's a very good speaker) and I don't know what it was, but the music pulled me in right away. That day I went home and found the songs on the internet and started playing. Within a couple months I was playing at church.

When I was younger I was also involved in many choirs...elementary school, HS, church, childrens dioscean (sp?) choir...that was in the RC church, but in HS I got completely turned off by the church and never went back. And I didn't even know that there was different versions of christianity that weren't all the same until the last year...even as a religious studies scholar (although I avoided the biblical religion courses like the plague until the end when I *had* to take at least one biblical reliigon)

Well if you miss it you should go back. I know, obvious answer. If you do I hope you find the church for you.

Amanda

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: schitz
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 8:55pm

I also hope you can keep this professor in your life--at least for now. She sounds like a wonderful source of support!


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket