panic and tears
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| Thu, 03-24-2005 - 8:47pm |
The next installment of my saga lol...
Last weekend was not a fun one. Starting Friday things went downhill. I had a massive panic attack when I was sitting outside the building of the class that I was just about to go to and so my prof so me flipping out and shaking and hyperventillating, all that wonderful stuff. This is my cool prof that i talk to every week mind you, but still it's embarassing whenever I have a panic attack. I especially felt like a loser because she went upstairs to put the video on and came back down to stay with me...and she asked me twice if I wanted to go to the hospital (probably 100ft away). I said no way. What the heck would they do for me. So she must have been pretty worried and didn't know what to do. When she came back outside I had taken off my scarf and coat and rolled up my sleeves. I was boiling. I'd have to be to roll up my sleeves. I never wear short sleeves or show my arms in any way. She said I was nuts, it's freezing. Go figure. Then without even having gotten over the shaking I got up and decided I was going for a walk, nearly falling over when I got up. So I left and Dr. C. went back up to the class.
I had to work that night. There was no way I could go to the hospital. My boss works during the day and there is no one else to work friday nights so he'd have to work friday night too. I managed to get through it somehow.
Getting through work the next night wasn't so good. I was constantly on the verge of tears (actually think that started the day before) So, I went to work Sat and went to the back and cooked bacon (balling my eyes out) and did prep so I wouldn't have to deal with customers. But only a couple of hours into the shift my coworker left - since one of the day shift girls took the day off. I cried and cried all night. Sometimes just streams of tears rushing down my face and others all-out wailing. I don’t know how I made it through that night. I was SSSSSOOOOOOOOOOO alone. I got home safe and stayed safe.
I went to church in the morning but was late so I couldn’t tune and get set up to play my guitar, but the pastor set up a microphone and I sang. At the time he was first setting it up, tears were streaming down my face but by the time everyone finished greeting each other I was ready to sing. Tried to put on a semi-happy face. After the service I was curled up in a ball, sobbing again like I had lost my best friend.
For the first time since the tears started three days earlier, I felt a bit better. You know, the “good cry†that you get it out and get on with life. Up until then I cried a bit and it remained just below the surface so anything could bring it back up again.
again, sorry for so long,
Miserable one aka Amanda
p.s. since then I saw dr. c and she didn’t say anything directly about the incident asked how I was but normally does. got some ativan…after the fact of course


Hi Amanda,
Thanks Lori *hugs*
Ya my prof IS supportive. She is the one who said she would give me accommodations and got me to go to the disability services. I had told her I was Manic-Depressive last year. She even said that she had never seen me struggling so much as this year. I don't know why that is. Thankfully I did get accommodations in place. I talk to her every week. I have felt like I liked her from the very beginning. Even wonder if I have an inappropriate relationship by bordering on *egads* friendship. I hope that we do continue to have a relationship after I graduate and/or she leaves the university.
I have a friend who I had been talking to. He was a bus driver. I found out later he was a pastor and so I went to hear him speak at church (and he's a very good speaker) and I don't know what it was, but the music pulled me in right away. That day I went home and found the songs on the internet and started playing. Within a couple months I was playing at church.
When I was younger I was also involved in many choirs...elementary school, HS, church, childrens dioscean (sp?) choir...that was in the RC church, but in HS I got completely turned off by the church and never went back. And I didn't even know that there was different versions of christianity that weren't all the same until the last year...even as a religious studies scholar (although I avoided the biblical religion courses like the plague until the end when I *had* to take at least one biblical reliigon)
Well if you miss it you should go back. I know, obvious answer. If you do I hope you find the church for you.
Amanda
I also hope you can keep this professor in your life--at least for now. She sounds like a wonderful source of support!