He makes it even harder for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
He makes it even harder for me
5
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 12:35pm
It is so gawd-damn hard enough for me to just cope,,, but having HIM weighs me down as if I'm wearing cement boots and trying to come up and gulp a breath of air to substain me just a little while longer. Like so many others who post here it is my children who keep, or make me continue to burrow through each day. I told him the other day again I wish I was dead and I wanted to kill myself. This time instead of yelling at me he said he wanted to die too. Well I wish he would then!!!!!! He knows how hard things can be for me, well I thought he maybe did,,,,he knows my 'weak points' because he turns them on me whenever he wants to really hurt me. As dreadful as this sounds I can see why people commit murder and then kill themselves afterwards. If he knew how much I hated him he should be scared.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 2:21pm

I know what I'm about to say might sound as if I don't understand how hard it would be to follow through with it but I think I DO have a sense of the enormity of this suggestion...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 3:36pm

Hello Lori,,,first I'd like to please apologize for my initial post. I should not have wrote what I did and it is very upsetting to me now when I come back and re-read it. I was more upset then and just sort of 'blurted' out what was banging around in my head.
I haven't been to my 'real' T in over 5 weeks now (do see the other one but it isn't the same) I 'know' I need to see her and talk about how I get here sometimes but if I said what I posted here, well I am afraid of what she might do with that. I took some Lorazepam and I've calmed down some now. I try to manage on my own and not see her as often as I should and she wants, but to me it is even a scarier feeling that I need therapy. It just all makes me so so tired, oh how irratic emotions can drain you more than anything I find. Just the thought of going and talking again makes me want to go to sleep. I have to explain the payments to him and I hate that. He ridicules me and he has no idea how hard it is to go to see these therapists I see. I can't win, it has been too many years, too much messing around with my head, too much dealing with other family members needs, too much acting and manipulating and pre-planning, so many fights, so much yelling and put-downs, so hard to cope when you feel so worthless and stupid and inferior,,gawd I am so tired of it all.

,,,,I will make the effort to see her next week though if I am able, I think I really need to.
Thank You-----Abby

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 8:52pm

You're welcome, hon. No apologies needed... we are here for people to "vent!" Be gentle with yourself--sounds like you've had a rough week! Hugs, Lori

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 4:40pm
Thank You Lori, yes I've had a rough week and continue to a have one. The norm for me though so I shouldn't really be bothering to vent. He was awful again this morning, I just know there is something wrong with him but I don't know what to do. His irratic and explosive behaviour is partially stemmed from him being an addict but it is affecting me more now than ever it seems. I am so vulnerable to his actions and they often regulate my very well-being. I can't talk to him about my problems and the things that scare me because he is some of those things. I feel so guilty about my children having him as their father and I apologize to them all the time, but what can I do? My kids and I are all in therapy and largely because of him,,,,he who won't do a damn thing to change his lousy self. I've recently learned my daughter has been thinking of suicide as well,,,,does anyone have any idea what that does to a mother hearing that???? I am just so incredibly unhappy so deep down inside I don't know how to be happy. Even hanging on for my kids doesn't seem to be enough,,,how I hate to see them get upset when it gets bad here. Oh I just don't know what to do,,,,,if only he'd just go away away away away I know I'd still struggle with my bouts of depression but at least I'd have a fighting chance then. I'm sorry Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 11:57pm

Hi Abby...


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