He makes it even harder for me
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He makes it even harder for me
| Fri, 03-25-2005 - 12:35pm |
It is so gawd-damn hard enough for me to just cope,,, but having HIM weighs me down as if I'm wearing cement boots and trying to come up and gulp a breath of air to substain me just a little while longer. Like so many others who post here it is my children who keep, or make me continue to burrow through each day. I told him the other day again I wish I was dead and I wanted to kill myself. This time instead of yelling at me he said he wanted to die too. Well I wish he would then!!!!!! He knows how hard things can be for me, well I thought he maybe did,,,,he knows my 'weak points' because he turns them on me whenever he wants to really hurt me. As dreadful as this sounds I can see why people commit murder and then kill themselves afterwards. If he knew how much I hated him he should be scared.

I know what I'm about to say might sound as if I don't understand how hard it would be to follow through with it but I think I DO have a sense of the enormity of this suggestion...
Hello Lori,,,first I'd like to please apologize for my initial post. I should not have wrote what I did and it is very upsetting to me now when I come back and re-read it. I was more upset then and just sort of 'blurted' out what was banging around in my head.
I haven't been to my 'real' T in over 5 weeks now (do see the other one but it isn't the same) I 'know' I need to see her and talk about how I get here sometimes but if I said what I posted here, well I am afraid of what she might do with that. I took some Lorazepam and I've calmed down some now. I try to manage on my own and not see her as often as I should and she wants, but to me it is even a scarier feeling that I need therapy. It just all makes me so so tired, oh how irratic emotions can drain you more than anything I find. Just the thought of going and talking again makes me want to go to sleep. I have to explain the payments to him and I hate that. He ridicules me and he has no idea how hard it is to go to see these therapists I see. I can't win, it has been too many years, too much messing around with my head, too much dealing with other family members needs, too much acting and manipulating and pre-planning, so many fights, so much yelling and put-downs, so hard to cope when you feel so worthless and stupid and inferior,,gawd I am so tired of it all.
,,,,I will make the effort to see her next week though if I am able, I think I really need to.
Thank You-----Abby
You're welcome, hon. No apologies needed... we are here for people to "vent!" Be gentle with yourself--sounds like you've had a rough week! Hugs, Lori
Hi Abby...