Having a hard night...poss trigs
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| Sat, 03-26-2005 - 8:56pm |
Hi, it's been a while since I posted here. Objectively things are going well...I just finished my second semester of med school and am on spring break for a week (going home to visit my parents on Tuesday). I've been trying to keep busy, going to aerobics classes, hanging out with friends when we've had time. So I know I can't complain.
But still I feel awful, absolutely on the edge...I don't even know why, but I feel like each minute, it's all I can do to hold in my tears (haven't succeeded with that all the time either) and keep myself from acting on my self-destructive urges. The urges have often taken the form of images that I can't get out of my head and that seem so close to real and so tempting. I felt this way even during final exams, but managed to hold it in...just barely, though!
And I have no appetite, which means I'm really depressed...normally, I tend to overeat when I'm feeling just kind of down. Friends have invited me to go out...tonight, I'm meeting up with a friend for dessert, and tomorrow with other friends for brunch...but none of them knows how I feel, and somehow I manage to act cheery even when my nose is red from crying...but the thought of food and friends makes me feel ill.
I hadn't even been able to talk to my parents about this...but tonight, I called them back for the second time and blurted out that I was feeling bad. My mom was sympathetic, but said it was probably just the "letdown" from final exam stress, and that we'd have a good time when I come visit. But I know it's not...and I feel like I can barely keep living like this, much less have a good time.
I was seeing the school counselor, but this week she told me it seemed like I wasn't making any progress, that I was still so severely depressed, and that I should probably look elsewhere for therapy. She's going to call my pdoc, though (who's now out of town) and ask what else can be done...she also asked me if anyone had mentioned doing ECT before. If that ends up being an option, I might even be open to it.
I'm sorry, I know I come here and vent and don't seem to get better. I am just feeling so desperate and awful...I just want to get rid of this horrible pressure that seems to surround my heart and throat...it seems like almost too much to bear. And it seems to get worse each time I have to talk to my parents or friends and act like things are normal, just for a little while more...and then a little while more...
Sorry, guess I just wanted to get this off my chest...thanks for listening. I don't know why I'm so desperately sad.
Rose
Edit: as if this post wasn't long enough :)...it's a few hours later, and now I'm totally confused. I went out with my friend for dessert, and maybe it was the massive doses of chocolate (I did feel some kind of "brain rush"...I've heard there's serotonin in chocolate!), but I was laughing with him and having quite a normal, upbeat conversation. How could I pull that off if I was really feeling so bad?! I'm trying to figure out if I actually still felt bad during the conversation...or maybe I fooled even myself...or maybe I'm not so depressed?! Argh, guess there's no use in overanalyzing it...but it just doesn't make sense to me...
Edited 3/27/2005 1:30 am ET ET by rosa444

((((Rose))))
I don't know if I replied to you elsewhere. In any case, lots of hugs!
I know how confusing feelings can be. I am in the middle of feeling/mood confusion myself right now. I doubt my dx'es, even what I thought I was feeling.
I don't know what to say except I know where you are coming from and lots of hugs for you.
love,
Amanda
In some ways you are so similiar to me that it's almost scary--lol! I tend to be an analytical overachiever who could almost always put on a happy face (or at least a passably content one) and only shared my deepest feelings of despair with a chosen few. The fact that I DIDN'T share the pain I was in "across the board" with everyone made me wonder at times if I was "doing it for attention" or if the depression was real. What I came to realize was that human beings are incredibly good at self preservation---even when their mind is saying "Enough!" and they are considering suicide. We also have good sense to be aware of social boundaries and so most of the time we pick and choose who we will share with and when. That's not a bad thing and it doesn't make your depression any less valid!
Thanks to you both for your replies. Amanda, it's good to know you can relate...I wish neither of us had to go through this! I hope you're doing OK yourself.
Lori, it is funny how similar we seem to be! I can relate to everything you said...and I hadn't thought about the idea of self-preservation playing a role in "faking it," but that makes a lot of sense. I agree that my parents do care, but just have trouble understanding...and I can imagine why, given the way I hide my problems from them. Years ago, I wouldn't tell my parents anything was wrong until I had to call them from the hospital...I guess I've come pretty close to that again lately.
I have had a day or so of feeling somewhat better, for no reason that I know (well, I did spend some time with friends, faking it still, but I guess it helped anyway). And so I've re-thought my original willingness to try ECT. I will definitely talk it over with my pdoc (although I somehow doubt she will even think it's a good idea), but I've begun to see it as less than practical, even if it would help.
Although fortunately I am feeling a little bit less desperate, I still don't know what to do when I get that sense that the pain is just too overwhelming, and I would do anything to escape it...it really feels like torture, although I know that sounds silly because there is nothing bad going on in my life. Hopefully I will figure something out...maybe this vacation (I'm going to visit my parents for a few days on spring break) will help a little.
Thanks again so much for your support and understanding,
Rose
Hey Rose,
Hi Lori, thanks again...I just now got a chance to read your last post because I was out of town. Yes, you're right that it must also be very difficult for a friend, mother, etc to hear "out of the blue" that you're in the hospital. I guess honesty is the only way to go...but that is hard as well since I don't want to cause unnecessary worry.
I was actually visiting my parents this week, and even then, I didn't get up the nerve to mention what's been going on. My mood wasn't quite as horrible there, but I think that was because I was focusing all my energy on counting down the days, hours, meals I had left until it was time for me to go (not my parents' fault at all, though...I just had this feeling I wanted to escape).
But after finally getting my wish and making the return trip, I feel even more hopeless and alone! It's that overwhelming pain/pressure that makes every minute of the day feel painful (I realized the only time I get a bit of enjoyment, or at least calm, is the moment I get into bed for the night). I feel like I seriously need help but am not going to get any immediate (or maybe even long-term) relief...I don't know what to do.
Classes start again tomorrow, and we're focusing on a subject I've always been interested in...I just hope I'll get out of this mindset of waiting for every minute to be over. I wish I knew how to stop this feeling of not being able to stand "it"-- life, a class, a social situation, etc. I once had a therapist who taught me some "mindfulness" techniques to try to live in the moment more...I did find them helpful at the time, but I was in a somewhat different mood back then, and now my depression seems to crush any efforts I make at trying those techniques again.
Sorry, I'm rambling as usual. Thanks as always for your great advice and support...I don't know if anyone else has experienced this overwhelming feeling that each minute is painful, and that life consists of counting down the days, hours, and minutes until it is finally over...in any case, any ideas on how to cope would be so helpful. I'm tempted to try alcohol again, although I have class tomorrow and the alcohol hasn't helped much before...but nothing else seems to either.
Thanks again,
Rose
You know I totally relate to your situation. I don't have anything bad going on in my life either. Actually I have a very good life with a wonderful husband and son as well as a steady job (these days that's something special). I used to have anxiety attacks during my last year or two of college and it all got better after I graduated. I've been fine ever since. The day after Christmas I started having some of the same thoughts as you going through my head only it was worse because I'd close my eyes and see myself causing injury to my son (which I would never consciously do). I couldn't figure out why. I talked to my husband who thought I was stressing out over his safety so much that it was affecting my subconscious thoughts. I'm only having problems at night. During the day I'm fine. I'm wondering if my issues have to do with stress which could be triggering everything. I have been meaning to talk to my doctor but haven't had the chance and now my husband is changing jobs so our insurance is changing as well. I need to wait till he gets his new insurance before I can call my doctor.
Anyway, to sum things up I do feel your pain.
Hi Absfins and welcome to the board! Thank you also for posting a message of support to rose even though you also are suffering. That says a lot about the kind person you are!