Not doing very well
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Not doing very well
| Fri, 04-08-2005 - 10:54am |
Hello again, just came back from my heart doctor, my hbp isn't responding to the meds I'm on so now he's given me something stronger. It is all stress caused. He told me not to lose any more weight, I'm kind of underweight as it is. He also doesn't want me to take my Lorazapam as much, thinks I'm getting 'hooked' and wants me to wean off of it and start another med called Buspar and just take Lorazapam at night. So now I'm feeling like,,,well I can't use the word here. I am scared now because I 'hate' the out- of -control feeling regarding all of this. I'm SI'ing nearly everyday, my T wants me to see her more often now, and well I am starting to feel the weight of that black tarp that falls on me and just makes me want to throw up my hands and say you win, the fight is out of me. Things are too hard for me, I try and try and yet I never seem to move into a better lit area in my dismal life. How I hate this feeling I am just so tired I wish I could be sedated for a year and then wake up and try again. What a stupid post this was, I'm sorry just don't know where else to go.
Abby
Abby

(((Abby))))
Your post was not stupid. I don't have much advice, although I am here to listen. And I can relate...to the med thing (my pdoc just made me stop lectopam)...to feeling out of control (how does "loss of reality" sound?)... to the depression and SI (although thankfully that is not a "right now" thing...I'm bipolar, so not *always* depressed).
Just want you to know that I'm here.
Hugs,
Amanda
oh do I know how you feel... I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't... Let me just send some friendly hugs your way.
I know the black days, I know going to bed thinking "please let me never wake up again". Today is one of my brighter (relatively) days, and I am pulling through and not letting myself think the black thoughts. I find that keeping myself distracted from the blackness often helps. Not letting myself think about it.
Have you tried this approach? It's kinda "fake it until you make it", and it does (in my experience) partially work, and you get some satisfaction out of life.
Creatures like you and I and may of our fellows on this board may never ever feel the full happiness of life. Perhaps we will always be plagued with dark thoughts and will be battling grim impulses. But I guess in spite of all that we still must keep on living. There are people who need us, and there is good to be done. I wish you luck!
I need to comment on something zverushka wrote. First off I've not met you before so 'hello' and 'welcome' to this board if you have not been here before.
There was something you wrote that just really made its way into my muddled head. You saying how some of us just may never feel the full happiness of life. That was somehow a comforting thought to me. Maybe you are right. Maybe some of us just never will be able to be as content or happy or have that peace of mind others have. Maybe it is just a reality I haven't given much thought to. I wonder if one stops fighting against that whether or not we can come to a place where we will just be the best we can be. I will never be really happy and will always be fighting something, but maybe that is just the way I was meant to be. I am going to think about this further and deeper, but it is just something that makes sense to me somehow. The meds, the doctors, the T's always trying to make you 'okay',,,,maybe 'my' okay will never be 'their' okay.
Thank you for that,,,,,,Abby
Hello and welcome to our board! I'm sorry I somehow overlooked your post when I responded to Abby earlier. Please know it wasn't intentional! I hope you will stick around and get to know us and let us get to know you. It sounds like you also know how dark the bad times can be and yet you have somehow managed to cling to that hope that is so important and yet so often hard to find when we are struggling. Thank you for taking the time to post and I hope we'll see you again! Hugs, Lori
I don't hide my cuts on my arms to her anymore,,,,had 3 big ones and told her beforehand not to say anything about them. I honestly am not sure how to take that session, so much was said mostly by her. She is such a good person and tries with me,,,but I can't help to be always thinking someone else besides me should be sitting across from her. I go there for help and yet I always leave there feeling somehow worse because things have been brought up and then left for me to carry alone until next session. For me that is hard.
Thanks if you got this far,,,,,Abby
Hi Abby,