Ups and downs with ECT, parents...trig
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| Sat, 04-09-2005 - 10:00pm |
Hi again, hope you all are OK. Still struggling here...but trying all I can...spent a long time walking/jogging in the sunny park today even though I didn't feel like it...but once I came home, back to the same old desperate sadness. There aren't even any watchable TV shows on the 2 channels I get...usually my main nighttime distraction.
I've had an interesting few days, and now I've got a big dilemma. I made a semi-urgent appointment with my pdoc this past week and explained to her how I was feeling...and that I would rather not live, but that I feel that I've sunk below that to the point that I don't even care what happens to me. She mentioned 1 or 2 other options, but after talking with me for a while, told me that ECT was really what I needed, and soon.
I know she's a good and well-regarded pdoc, and this isn't the first doctor (or therapist!) to mention ECT to me. Plus I was desperate...so I agreed, though tentatively, but said I'd have to talk to my parents first. My pdoc was concerned that my mom would convince me not to get the ECT...and I think she has, along with the research on side effects and the fact that the benefits of treatment usually "wear off" after a few months.
At my appointment, the pdoc was trying to get me into ECT as soon as possible...if I decided to go that route, I could start within the next week probably. I don't know if she was just trying to help (my original thought) or if she wanted to catch me before I decided otherwise...guess it doesn't matter if I'm not going to do it anyway.
But then my mom called me back to bring up one of her favorite topics...the fact that I don't eat a healthy diet and that I'd feel a lot better if I tried her suggestions (and gained a little weight). It is true that my diet can use some improvement (although I do try to get protein and all my vitamins), and I'm willing to do that (except I'm a vegetarian and am unwilling to eat fish, as my mom wants).
But as I told her, I felt like she didn't quite understand how bad I've been feeling... and I didn't tell her this, but it almost felt like she was blaming me for my depression. I guess it is hard to tell from my pretty cheery conversations with her that I seriously don't even want to live, that I'm only sticking around to avoid causing her pain...that most nights, I feel like I just can't go on, can't handle another moment.
My pdoc did put me on Wellbutrin in addition to my other 2 antidepressants for the short term, to try to stop me from sleeping almost all day...and at least I have been more awake today (after weeks of feeling like I'm sleepwalking through the day)...but I'm now realizing that sleep at least allowed me to escape for a little bit!
It feels like a lifetime since my last mildly "hyper" phase...I guess if I can hang in there long enough and act normal, that may come back. Funny, when talking about ECT, my mom said she'd read it was for people with things like bipolar...that I didn't have that, of course...that I'm not "crazy"! I may not be bipolar, but I guess now I'm glad I tried my best to hide my hyperness from her when it happened.
Oh yikes, I'm rambling forever again. I'm just feeling so lost and alone and desperate. I need to study, but can't even concentrate for that at all. I guess it may be a good thing that my parents convinced me not to have ECT...I wonder if my almost total willingness to try it was a form of self-destruction...as in, "I don't care what happens to me or my brain...even if I were to die, that would be fine with me!". But I guess the idea of it at least gave me hope...and now I don't even have that.
OK, sorry...thanks for letting me get all this off my chest. Any thoughts, as always, are much appreciated...thanks so much,
Rose
Edit: Is is possible that I can make this post even longer?! :) Just now in the shower, my tears of disappointment and hopelessness finally came out...I know it must make no sense to someone who's never been there, but even though I don't know where this emotional pain is coming from, I feel like I can't live with it much longer. Will try to calm down tonight, though.
Edited 4/9/2005 10:53 pm ET ET by rosa444

Hi Rose,
Hi baby,
yeah, it would be hard to make your post much longer, lol!!! You say at the end that it wouldn't make much sense to someone who has never been there. Perhaps; however here most of us do understand what you are dealing with (otherwise we would be on some other board discussing cooking or stockbroking). I know how you feel about my mom, cause I keep my depression very very private, and most people around me have no clue how much of an act I am putting on.
I just wanted to say that ECT (as far as I've read and heard about it) is a pretty effective therapy for otherwise intractable depression. Once the meds fail, of course. I am only talking about it because your doctor suggested it to you. What do you have to lose? Discuss it again with your doctor. And I don't think it is self-destructive at all!!! It's like having a surgery: it is major and invasive and extremely unpleasant, but may be lifesaving.
As for your parents talking you out of it, I understand them. They probably have very little idea as to how close to death (we are talking about suicide, right?) you actually are. They see a smart, charming young woman and think she is just a little bit sad and moody. To them it's not a big deal. Only you (with the help of your doctor/therapist) can make a right decision.
hugs
Thanks so much, Lori...it's always comforting to hear your advice/support. Still, I'm going to work on shortening my future posts! :)
As for ECT, I had a similar thought...that maybe my hope about trying it was telling me something. The doctor is experienced, educated, and licensed and knows me pretty well (except for my few "up" periods, during which I cancelled my appointments with her...so I do wonder if trying meds for bipolar might help).
And I have tried literally almost all the meds, as several doctors have agreed! There are one or two left, though (MAOIs and Cymbalta), so maybe I should give those a shot. And I've been in talk therapy for many years... almost straight through from when I was 18 (I'm 24 now)! The school counselor recently gave me up as a patient because she said I seemed too profoundly depressed to make progress (she suggested ECT as well).
But that said, right now I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do ECT. My parents researched it some (as have I) and found some pretty scary evidence of memory loss. There's even a chance I wouldn't be able to handle the work in med school. My mom wants me to try something "less extreme." I will still meet with the doctor in charge of ECT to see if there are other options, like the new transcranial magnetic therapy.
My update for the day: I'm not sure what's going on now...I got only 4 hours of sleep last night (absolutely couldn't fall asleep, which hardly ever happens) but still feel alert...maybe from the Wellbutrin or my naps yesterday. Managed to get up and showered...but not to go to class. This is the first time I've missed ALL my classes in a day, although I did study some in my room...just can't face people anymore. So I guess maybe it's getting worse...?
Thanks again so much...how did I do in my attempt at brevity? :) I really appreciate all the support,
Rose
P.S. Ack, just can't make a short post! Have to add...I know ECT is used for suicidal patients, but I don't think I'm in much danger (not motivated enough...did come close last night, but realized I'd promised my mom I wouldn't). So I guess I could wait for a new med or treatment to work instead of needing ECT...I'll be miserable, but probably still alive!
Thanks so much, zverushka...I know that most people here can relate to what I'm going through, so I'm very grateful for that. Your post helped me see this in a different light...thinking of it like a potentially life-saving surgery makes sense.
And I think you're right about my parents...I do probably seem pretty normal to them. They do know that my depression can be severe, though, especially since I've been hospitalized for it twice before...but I guess they don't want to think about that, or are hoping it's in the past.
Yes, I have lately wished for death all the time and came close to acting on that wish. But I'm strangely apathetic and don't think I'd even bother to make that decision...plus the effect it would have on my mom weighs heavily on me. Now it's daytime, so I probably sound OK...for some reason, my mood drops even lower at night.
I wish I had nothing to lose with the ECT, and I actually don't feel like I have anything to lose. But the possibility of major memory loss would mean I might have lots of trouble in school and life. I've read that some people even feel that ECT changed who they were by taking away memories or making them feel "stupider"...Ernest Hemingway committed suicide after having ECT because he felt similarly.
I personally don't care too much about any of that...I would deal with memory loss if that's what it came to...and I'd even welcome some personality change! But I think I should maybe go along with my parents' opinion because I don't even know if I can make responsible decisions for myself now. I'd be willing to try almost anything at this point, regardless of the danger...morbid as it is, I'd even be willing to die if a good opportunity or cause came along.
Sorry about that and about my failure to keep to my short-posting goals! :) Thanks again,
Rose
Hi Rose,