Parents disappointed in me (poss. trigs)
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 04-11-2005 - 2:28pm |
Last week I went to visit my parents, and they sat me down for a surprise talk. The subject being: myself and why I'm not doing anything with my life, why I've been unemployed for a year, why I'm wasting all the opportunities, money, etc. I ever had...in short, why I'm a total loser. They put it all in nice words and I know they're just worried about me, but it hit me hard. Afterwards I hid in the bathroom crying. Then I had to pretend I was fine but I'm not. The fact is, I know they're right but I don't know how to improve my pathetic life. I already know I'm a failure, you don't need to point it out thank you.
I'm not sure if you read my last post but, I've been depressed my whole life. I'll be 26 this month.
I started out as a workaholic/overachiever. And where did it get me? It never lasts. You have to constantly keep trying or entrophy takes over and you wouldn't believe how quickly success vanishes when you're not able to put in the 24/7 effort of hard work. I had some great successes. I got a full merit scholarship to college, I earned 17 college credits while still in high school. I even had a scholarship named after me in college, and after college I got a good job in Washington DC making decent money. I also managed to save a lot of that money, which I've been using up now that I'm too depressed to get a job.
It was always very important to me that my parents and everyone else be proud of me. The funny thing is, now that I've spent a year lying in bed wishing I was dead, they seem to have forgotten about all the years I spent as a succesful person. So I ask myself, why bother doing it again when everyone forgets so quickly? Why bother when it all disappears so quickly? It was so, so HARD for me to do what I accomplished. A lot of people seemed envious of me as if I was lucky to achieve that. But there was no great luck involved at all, my big secret was working at it until the job got done right, even if it took all day, all week, all month, whatever. And it was exhausting! Now, it exhuasts me to get out of bed in the morning and cook and clean. When you're depressed, these things are major achievements, but they don't exactly hand out medals for them do they?
Now I have nothing. I hate the town I live in. It is a college town in the middle of nowhere and I hate living here. I have no job and my resume and references are out of date. My marraige is unhappy. My husband has been unemployed for even longer than I have and he hasn't been on one interview the whole time. In fact, one reason I quit my job was that I was so stressed out from supporting him. He refused to look for a job, and he didn't even do the housework. Also, I had severe health problems becuase our apartment was full of mold. I kind of had a nervous breakdown, quit my job, and left Washington DC to move to this town. That was a HUGE mistake! Ever since then, I haven't been able to accomplish anything or get a single job. I go on interviews, but no one wants to hire me. No suprise- I'm pretty much a basket case.
I hate my life but I don't know how to change it. I try and get nowhere. My references are so old that I don't even know how I'll get a job at this point. I hate the hiring system, that the more desperately you need a job the less likely you are to get it.
My parents lecture was kind of the last straw. I thought, "I know all this, for god's sake, I think about it every day. If I could change my life, don't you think I would have by now? I've been trying and trying and getting nowhere!" But I said nothing becuase I've learned that your words are always used against you, so it's best to be silent.
I can't drive. Can I be any more pathetic, right? I am the only adult I know who can't drive, and it keeps me trapped in a bad marraige becuase I would be totally stuck if I lived alone. Not enough public transportation in this town. I can't drive because I get severe panic attacks behind the wheel, and after several near accidents I'm afraid to take the risk- it could kill an innocent person and I refuse to be so irresponsible. When I get behind the wheel I am so terrified that I blank out, and am almost not aware of my actions. Once I sort of blacked out like that and found myself in the wrong lane- I don't know how- and I almost caused a head on collison with someone. It scared me so much I have not driven in 8 years. But as a result, I'm pretty much totally dependent on DH to drive me places and I hate it.
So bascially, my life is a failure all around and I have no idea how to save myself. My life is totally useless, and I wish I would die in my sleep to save everyone and myself a lot of pain. I'm sorry this is so long. I never have anyone to talk to who will actually understand how I feel.
Edited 4/11/2005 2:47 pm ET ET by bluerains

Im sorry to hear you are having such trouble. I, too, am an overachiever who has been unemployed for a while (6 months here). I had no savings to go through, so I've been dependent on my fiance and Im about to bankrupt. I also know how you feel about words being used against you...for me, its like they just don't get it...and they wont pick up the books and read to learn about it or even go to the pdoc with me to understand it. I can't give you any advice to make it go away...but I know for me it has helped to know I wasnt alone...and I know its not much, but its all I have to offer. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Stephanie
Hey there Blue,
Thanks Stephanie and Lori. Today, I finally went to psychiatrist. It was so hard to get myself in there. Well a psychiatrist is totally different than a regular therapist. My appointment was only for half an hour, I expected it to be longer. I really felt rushed through the office. The doctor was very kind, but how can he really diagnose me so quickly?
His diagnosis was: generalized anxiety disorder and social phobia. He said he "saw no evidence of depression!" OK- now I don't know what to think.
I was doing my nice-normal-girl-act, kind of automatically, like I always do with new people. So did I fake it too well or is he right and I'm not depressed, just delusional and I think I am? He says I'm not psychotic, so that can't be it. :)
He prescribed Lexapro. He assured me it has no side effects and I won't gain weight, is that true? The problem is, we have no health insurance and we're already paying for two other medications- (not mental health related). I think I will keep it until I get insurance, becuase our health bills are way out of control already. I have never taken an anxiety drug before, so I'm also wary and nervous of it.
Lori, you're kind of right that I stopped trying at this point. But at first, I did try a lot and everything I tried failed. I ended up feeling like I could never do anything right again.
Bluerains, I could have written most of your original post a year or so ago...and I relate to so much of it now too...odd to see such similar thoughts in someone else's post! I've had the "parents' lecture" too...in my case, I was also unemployed and struggling with depression and physical pain that my dad thought was "in my head."
I know how hard it is to hear things like that from your parents...especially with all you've accomplished in your life. I look back on it now and hope that maybe they were trying to help me, just going about it in the completely wrong way! That lecture was so awful to me because it echoed all my thoughts about myself as a worthless person.
Sorry to ramble about myself...just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm glad you went to see a psychiatrist today...unfortunately, as you found out, a lot of them don't spend much time with their patients. Do you have the option to see a therapist or psychologist as well? That can be really helpful.
I'm also a bit surprised that he gave you a clear diagnosis after half an hour...especially since you probably put on the "normal nice girl" act pretty well. At least for me, it's the act I put on every day, even to my parents! You're not delusional in thinking you're depressed...you just didn't share that part of yourself with the doctor.
It's really hard sometimes finding a doctor, or anyone, for that matter, that you can open up to...but it can be really important in the end. Medication can help too...Lexapro can help with both depression and anxiety, and it's not a sedative or anything, if that's what you're worried about.
I know there are some good websites about meds...I'll see if I can find one. With any medication, there's at least a small chance of minor side effects...I think Lexapro was developed in order to minimize the chance of side effects, though (sorry, my med school talk may be slipping in!). I've taken it for a while before with no problem. (I also am very anxious socially).
I know how painful it is to feel like you'll never do anything right again...I'm not over that issue myself. I guess I've tried to change my definition of "right" a bit...so something I do doesn't have to be perfect to be OK or helpful or good-intentioned. And I try (often in vain!) to realize that my standards of "accomplishment" are different from anyone else's...it's so hard, but I'd like to try to do the things (and follow the dreams) that bring me happiness, regardless of how important the rest of the world views them to be.
I hope things will start looking up for you...you have a lot of life ahead of you to enjoy. I apologize for the wordy post...can't help it! :)
Rose
Edit: here's an article from a few years back, when Lexapro first came out...it talks about how few side effects this med is supposed to have: http://my.webmd.com/content/article/49/40120.htm
Edited 4/12/2005 6:20 pm ET ET by rosa444
Oops, I'm not sure if that website link works, so I'll copy and paste the article here:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Antidepressant Approved
Revamped Version of Celexa Has Few Side Effects
By Jennifer Warner
WebMD Medical News Reviewed By Michael Smith, MD
Aug. 15, 2002 -- The FDA today approved a new form of the popular antidepressant drug Celexa that promises to treat depression with fewer side effects. The drug, to be sold as Lexapro, was created using a relatively new approach that removed inactive ingredients in Celexa -- yielding a safer and more potent form of the medication.
Celexa and Lexapro are both part of the new generation of prescription antidepressant drugs known as SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), which also includes Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil. The medications work by increasing the activity of a certain brain chemical involved in depression called serotonin.
Nearly 19 million Americans suffer from some type of depression. Researchers say one in four women and one in 10 men will be diagnosed with depression within their lifetime.
SSRIs have rapidly become the first choice of many doctors for the treatment of depression, but the drugs can take up to six weeks to provide relief and come with some side effects. These side effects -- including nausea, anxiety, problems sleeping, loss of sexual desire, and headaches or dizziness -- are not life-threatening, but can be problematic for many SSRI users.
But because Lexapro contains a more concentrated and purified form of the active ingredient in Celexa, it can be given at much lower doses, which means it causes fewer side effects. Clinical trials of Lexapro in people with moderate to severe depression found a dose of 10 mg per day of Lexapro was as effective as a daily 40 mg dose of Celexa.
Andrew Farah, MD, medical director of behavioral services at High Point Regional Health System in North Carolina, says intolerable side effects are the main reason that only about 40% of those who seek treatment for depression complete the recommended therapy.
"The real advance is that this drug seems to be devoid of virtually all side effects," says Farah, who is also a clinical professor at Wake Forest University. "I think most people who have tried antidepressants in the past and didn't like them because of the side effects will be very pleased with this one."
The most commonly reported side effect of Lexapro was nausea, and it occurred in 15% of the patients who received the drug, compared with 7% among those who took a placebo. Other side effects occurred at a rate similar to the placebo group and included insomnia, ejaculation disorder, sleepwalking, and fatigue.
"I think it's a really important step because we've been using these drugs since Prozac came out in 1986, and this is the first real, elegant refinement where you see such a nice cleanliness and such a nice tolerability," says Farah.
In addition, clinical trials suggest that many patients' depressive symptoms may begin to improve within a week or two after they began taking Lexapro. Studies on other SSRIs have had similar findings.
Farah says similar modifications have been attempted with other types of SSRIs but this is the first version that has been so successful in treating depression without producing unwanted side effects.
The manufacturer of Lexapro, Forest Laboratories, Inc., says it expects the drug to be available in pharmacies by Sept. 5. Lexapro is expected to cost about 8% less than Celexa, which currently costs about $60 for a month's supply of the 20 mg tablets.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
© 2002 WebMD Inc. All rights reserved.
Rosa,
I read your post about your parents, and I can see we're in the same boat. We know they mean well, but they don't seem to understand.
Thank you so much for that article. It said Lexapro is for depression, but my doctor said it was for anxiety. Strange. I'm a little worried about that naseau side effect. I hate that feeling! I'm going to hold onto the prescription. Just having it makes me feel like I can use it if I get more desperate. But right now I'm afraid it will make me feel even worse.