Need Some Advice, ASAP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Need Some Advice, ASAP
5
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 9:42am

Nothing has changed really. I've had problems with my ex husband for yrs. Sometimes I can deal with it better than others.

Here is the situation. My kids are at his house every Fri night to Sun night. That in itself I cannot stand. But when it is time for the kids to come back, my 7 yr old simply does not want to come back, and ex really doesn't encourage her to come back. She comes back angry and upset.

I've been trying to make this situation better for years. Another thing that is weird, ex has left my kids at his mother's for part of the weekend, and when it comes time for me to pick them up over at his mom's they do the same thing. The 7 yr old especially, does not want to come home, even from his mothers. (But when I have had them at my mother's they come back no problem.)

What am I doing wrong? What would you do if you were in my shoes? This situation has me going insane. It hurts beyond belief. I think I'm a very good mother. I'm not neglectful or hurtful to my kids. I don't understand the 7 yr old's reaction. If she gets around stepmom, his mother or him, she acts very distant and cold to me.

This situation has me wanting to do something drastic. Someone please give me some good advice, thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 1:13pm

Hi, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. When you ask your daugther why she feels like this, what does she say?

I remember when I was about seven. Sometimes I would sleep over my grandma's for a few days. When I had to come home, I always felt sad, and I missed grandma. That had nothing to do with me not loving my parents, at all. One time, my Mom asked me why I was upset. I told her I missed grandma and I didn't want to leave her house. From her face, I knew I hurt her feelings, and I was suprised and felt bad. I didn't mean to hurt her at all, as a child I didn't look at it that way. I wasn't choosing Grandma over Mom, it was a case of wanting both I guess.

On the other hand, do you think MIL and your ex are saying bad things about you, kind of brainwashing your daughter against you while she's there?

On the other hand, maybe there are things about Dad and MIL that are different that your daughter misses. Do they spoil her? They might be less strict, act more like playmates than parents, let her eat junk food all day, something like that. If that's so, it's kind of natural for a kid to miss it but too much of that wouldn't be healthy, and when she's older she'll realize it and even want to get away from it unless in small doses.

I hope this helped a little.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:07pm

Thank you for your response. It did help. I just am so depressed about this. I hate Sunday nights, the transition for my 7 yr old for my daughter is very hard. It actually makes me want to take this abusive man back. She cries, clings to him, doesn't want to leave him. She acts like I am the enemy.

I sacrifice everything for her. I take very good care of her and she means the world to me. I just can't understand what I'm doing wrong. I've tried everything to make the Sunday night exchanges easier for her. Sometimes she calls from his house and tells me she doesn't want to come back. It kills me. She asks to stay at his house longer, and any day off school she begs me to take her over there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 10:39pm
Hi Jody,,,,I am really sorry you have to deal with that emotional tug-of-war with your daughter regarding her visits. There has to be a reason she is reacting like that. If things were like Disneyland there each time she went I would think her sister would be reluctant to leave as well don't you think? They say a child will act up to the parent they are most comfortable with,,,because it is the one they are most secure with knowing they will still be accepted by them regardless of their behaviour. I think it is immature of her father not to talk to her about not acting this way and making you feel badly. Him standing there and letting her put on this show each time without comments to stop only sends her this is an 'okay' way to behave. At 7 she knows she is upsetting you Jody,,,,she may be angry and this is her way of hurting you. Is she old enough to write down her reasons for being so upset about coming back home after her visits? You said she goes every weekend,,,,it sure sounds like she gets to see her father a fair amount of the time and on a regular basis. Even though she is just 7 I can't help but to think she isn't being as reasonable as she probably could about this towards you,,,,,her 'mother.' Wishing for things to improve for all of you,,,,,Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 9:44am

Hi there...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 1:28pm

"I take very good care of her and she means the world to me."

I am sure she knows this deep down. I am sure you mean the world to her too. She is just not expressing it right now becuase she doesn't feel threatened to lose you. That's a good thing, right? She feels secure enought that Mom is always there for her that she can take it for granted once in awhile. Do you know what I mean? She doesn't have to put on an act with you, she trusts your love enough that she can show you her true feelings. In a way it's paying you a compliment. If you look at it that way.

Maybe she feels threatened that she's going to lose her Dad. So she's acting out from fear. It's just a guess. I think the suggestion of family therapy was a very good one. She does need to treat you with respect and consider your feelings. Kids need to learn how to consider other people's feelings. From what I remember of childhood, I doubt she understands how she is hurting you. I'm sure it's the last thing she wants to do. She is just dealing with too much and lashing out inappropriately becuase she doesn't know any better way to deal with it. A therapist might be able to help her, if she's willing to go and talk and listen. At the least it would give her the option of talking about it to a neutral person.

If Dad is abusive I doubt he's a good influence. I hope your good influence overcomes whatever mind games she is dealing with, if in fact that is the case. I really think it's a case for a professional. Good luck with this.