How much depression, how much "me"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
How much depression, how much "me"?
5
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 11:09pm

I had a long appointment today with the doc in charge of ECT here. Still unsure, but mainly because the doc said he wouldn't expect me to be able to stay in school while undergoing treatment (although some of his patients have managed to). My tentative plan now is to try and do ECT and continue with school anyway...and if it doesn't work, to finish this block of schoolwork over the summer.

That's just my plan of the moment, though...and I haven't yet told my mom about it. I guess I'm not doing so horribly at the moment, so maybe I should just hang in there with my current meds. I'm also wondering whether some parts of my depression are treatable at all, or if they're just part of my personality or habit.

Can I ask about one or two of these? For one, I don't want to do anything or make any effort...in school, I just do what's required, and dread it the whole time. I see people who are passionate about helping people or pursuing a hobby, etc. My main concern about any activity is "when will this be over?". Guess that's my approach to life as well.

The closest I've come is my interest in neuroscience...I did sign up for a related activity, and I feel like if I were able to enjoy anything, this would be something I'd enjoy. But I'm not sure if I'll manage to get there. I especially dread anything involving social interaction with people I don't know...not sure how much of that is social anxiety and how much is just "me."

But as little as I seem to care about doing anything, another problem is the strength of my sympathy for people in pain. I can't seem to stand hearing people describe certain illnesses...it makes me jump to the idea of self-destruction. Not a good thing for a med student...I don't know why this is...maybe I just feel so helpless that I can't think of anything else to do...or the world seems like too harsh of a place to live.

I haven't felt as upset as usual lately...I think I've kind of given up on life and am just going through the motions, so I often don't feel much of anything. But if I'm not planning to hurt myself (only because of my mom), is there a point in doing something as drastic as ECT to try to feel better? And are apathy and lack of motivation parts of depression that can be improved, or something that I have to somehow find the energy to fix on my own?

I know these questions probably have no clear answers...still, I wonder if you all have any opinions. Really, the mix of meds I'm on now lets me be at least somewhat functional. Well, as functional as I can be spending almost all my time in one room! I'm going to try to follow through with my therapist's tasks for me...just to clean my messy, pretty much unsanitary room and to go to class. But there's a volunteer activity on Sunday I'm signed up for, and I'm already dreading it...I guess I'll go, though.

Thanks for listening, as always, and letting me ramble! Still debating ECT...even practical stuff, like how to get back from the hospital (no family around, only one close friend) and how to explain to less-close friends why I'll be gone from class so much... and if it's even realistic to try to function when the doc says I shouldn't expect to (but I have my easiest class schedule now). Oh well...lot to think about...I hope you all are OK...I will try to respond to posts if I feel like there is something positive I can say.

Thanks,

Rose




Edited 4/15/2005 11:12 pm ET ET by rosa444
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 10:02am

Hi Rose,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 1:12pm

This sounds like me!:

"I don't want to do anything...I just do what's required, and dread it the whole time. I see people who are passionate about ...pursuing a hobby, etc. My main concern about any activity is "when will this be over?". Guess that's my approach to life as well.
...I especially dread anything involving social interaction with people I don't know...not sure how much of that is social anxiety and how much is just "me."

Sometimes I feel like I'm lacking something, a spark of life or just the essential will to live. I do everything becasue it's my duty, becuase I should, not becuase I get anything out of it. No one can relate to that feeling and my friends get uncomfortable or even angry if I try to explain it. Do you feel like that too?

It's made me co-dependent. I do everything to make other people happy. DH advised me to live my life for myself only. So I thought about it and asked myself what I want from life, and my truest answer was "I want it to end". He got very angry when I told him that. But it's the truth. I should know better than to say things like that by now. Is it really such an unusual feeling?

Since you feel like this, and you can still be a med student, all I can say is that you're incredible! I do wonder, are you doing it for yourself or to make others happy? Is there anything you'd rather do? Or are you like me, and you don't really care so may as well be a doctor as anything else? I have to admire that you are choosing to be a doctor since it's so hard, and not many people can do that. But if you decide to do something else, that is fine too.

I don't know what to say about ECT and school since I don't know how important being a doctor is to you. Of course, your health is #1 priority. If you get too sick you can't do anything. But at the same time, if you're about to graduate and you need to stay on track, it may be wiser to accomplish that goal first. Then you'd really have something to be proud of and wouldn't it raise your self esteem. So I guess it would depend on:

1. can you realistically cope without it?
2. how important is being a doctor to you?
3. how close are you to graduating?

Since you want to be a doctor did you consider being a psychiatrist? I went to one recently and couldn't help but think how easy his job is. My appointment was for half an hour, he only spend 15 minutes with me. Basically he made a snap diagnosis and wrote a prescription. For that he gets a huge check.

Your question: "How much depression, how much me?" is a good one. I have wondered about that myself many times. Hey, are you reading my mind? :) I also think that anxiety/pessimism/sadness is part of my personality by now. Hey, I've lived like this my whole life. I'm guessing you have too. I don't know any other way of existence. I actually feel like I'm used to it sometimes. The biggest problem is that no one understands, and I always feel like some kind of alien. It sounds insane but at times I have felt like I wasn't human because I can't relate to most of the human race and can't find anyone who understands the real me. Even on the message boards I feel like I don't fit in most of the time. I don't know why. I'm tired of being so different.

ECT or not ECT: that is the question. Sorry, I'm an English major. I hope you find a plan you can feel comfortable with, no matter what it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 9:47pm

Thanks so much, Lori...I agree that ECT isn't as effective if you don't do all the recommended sessions. I do plan to go through them all, though.

I guess it is a little scary for me, although much more so for my family, it seems. Lately I've been pretty much at peace with my decision to have ECT, but I begin to doubt it when I hear the fear and sadness in my mom's voice...my parents seem to act like this is a tragedy, as if they're losing me...but I see it as more of a positive step (although I know there are big risks).

I do hope that I'm not jumping to this option out of blind desperation...sad as I guess it sounds, I honestly don't care what happens to me, so I think that's why I'm not scared. When your strongest wish is to die, nothing else seems frightening in comparison! I hope that isn't causing me to make an irresponsible choice, though.

Thanks for your wish that life gets its color back for me...you described my situation well. But I still have a question looming over me...is life even *supposed* to have color, or should I just accept that it's something everyone has to endure? I begin to wonder if I'm even depressed at all, or just "normal"!

OK, I'm off to perform a practice physical exam on someone for a class...with my social anxiety and lack of familiarity with the exam, I'm actually more nervous about this than I am about ECT!

It's odd, I've felt better since my decision to have ECT, so that I'm wondering if I even need it at all...but maybe it's that decision that's brought me some hope. Still, I talk to my parents and friends and seem pretty normal...maybe this is all just of my own creation? Oh well, we'll see...I haven't yet gotten a date for my first treatment, just waiting to hear.

Thanks again,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 1:25am

Thanks so much, bluerains...I'm honestly amazed at how much I can relate to your experiences and feelings! I definitely feel like I lack that "spark" that drives other people, the "essential will to live" as you describe it. And I have the same reaction when I hear that I should live for myself only...I don't generally say it out loud, but if it were my choice only, I wouldn't want to live. I'm not sure how common this feeling is, though.

About med school, thanks for the compliment...I think it was partly for myself and partly for others. Occasionally in the past, I had moments of interest in some medical stuff...it was interesting to me intellectually, but didn't get me too excited emotionally. There isn't anything else I'd rather be doing (although I wonder sometimes, maybe I should be working with animals instead since I'm more comfortable around them)... but I don't feel like I'm doing a really whole-hearted job of it now.

Thanks also for the advice on making a decision about ECT...I'm not even close to graduating now (in my first year out of 4), although I am close to finishing this year. But at this rate, I'm not at all sure I'd make it 4 years anyway. It often seems to me like I'm just "playing along" with this idea of becoming a doctor, that it won't actually happen. After I finished my practice exam with a patient today, I realized that this is a really bad profession for someone with the overwhelming social anxiety I have!

I have thought about becoming a psychiatrist, though...that or a neurologist. Interestingly enough, I think it's easier for me to talk to psychiatric patients, maybe because I can relate to them. But I'm still not hopeful about the future or my career...

It does sometimes feel like you're reading my mind too! :) I've often had that feeling of being different, almost not human. I've already given up on ever having a romantic relationship...not too hopeful for close friendship either. I don't know how much ECT can help if this is just a part of my personality...but as of now, I'm planning to go ahead with it.

Sorry if I'm rambling...getting tired...guess I need to stop relying on daytime naps and food as a way to escape (my pants are tight enough already!). I hate living this way, though...trying to keep up a tiring act of seeming happy and energetic while just wanting it all to be over. I hope maybe we both can find some answers soon!

Have a good night,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 2:48pm

Rosa,

Are you in undergrad or grad school? If you are an undergrad did you ever consider being a vet?

Good luck with your ECT treatments. You are brave!

It's really good to find someone that I can relate to too. I'm grateful to you! I think we have a lot in common- especially the social anxiety. For some reason everyone in my life is a huge extrovert, so it makes me feel even weirder compared to them. I do have one relative that is so introverted that she hides in her house, shuts off the lights, and pretends she's not home when someone comes to visit. I'm not that bad yet but I can see it happening sooner or later.

I think you are doing the right thing exactly: facing your fears and taking the hardest path. You are pretty amazing, if you look at yourself from an objective point of view!