HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
HELP!
7
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 10:56pm

I need advice again about the situation I posted on a few days ago. My kids are at daddy's every weekend and 7 yr old totally throws a fit about coming back to me every time.

Tonight was awful. Stepmom dropped her off and everything went fine then. Well, we get ready for bed and 7 yr old starts screaming she wants daddy and misses daddy. She told me she needs to call him. I told her no, it's bedtime. (Normally I let her call him anytime, just not at bedtime) She grabs the phone and calls. No answer. She calls again, no answer. By this time she is hysterical. Daddy told her to call him when she gets home. I've told him not to do this because it's hard to get the kids settled into bed.

I'm just sick of it. My 7 yr old is just totally obsessed with daddy. I'm gonna end up losing her, sooner or later, I see her living with daddy. My 5 yr old wants to be with me though, and she doesn't want to be apart from her sister.

The kids see daddy every Fri-Sunday night. It's not they never see him. I've been very upset about this situation for a couple yrs now. It's always "I want daddy"

The 7 yr old told me tonight, that "no one wants to be with me." God, I just wanted to die. I do EVERYTHING for this girl. I've never been a bad parent. She calls stepmom "mom" and prefers her over me.

While this was going on tonight I was just thinking "God, I don't want to live anymore." I thought God didn't give anyone more than they could handle.

What would you do if you were me? I've tried everything in the world to make coming back to my house easier for her. What do I do? Just leave her there?

Honestly, I'm really thinking of how to shoot myself. I just want to die. I have been obsessed with dying lately because of this. I think about how I would call the ex and have them pick them up from school, and then just do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 11:26pm

Hi there...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 8:00am
Hi Jody,,,I'm so very sorry that you have to deal with this all of the time. My suggestion to you is to first make an appointment with your daughter's doctor, go in and tell him/her what is going on and how bad it is getting and how it is affecting the entire family. He/She will should then refer you to a therapist, or a therapist for your daughter. Maybe just maybe if your daughter talks with someone outside of your family,,,,someone who she doesn't have to banter with some of what is going on with her will surface and then you will finally be able to address it. I'm not trying to tell you what to do,,,,please don't think that,,,,it is just that I have two kids both in therapy and well,,,,they talk differently to them than they do to their parents,,,,much luck to you. Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 8:16am

I've gone to a counselor a couple of times, started to feel better, then I quit going. I know I need to start going again.

My daughter was seeing a counselor from DCF for a short time for things that were going on at daddy's house. It made her feel like she had done something wrong and that it was like a punishment to her. Because of that, I can't get her to go anymore, seemed like it was doing more harm than good, cause she felt worse after each time.

I have been going to work less and less. The ex has made it hard for me to keep a regular babysitter. Many times the kids call him and tell him I'm at work, he comes and gets them from the sitter, and then I have to deal with the verbal abuse and emotionally draining exchange of the kids, after I'm done with my shift.

There is just no getting away from him. He has more control over my life than he did when we were married.

Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
In reply to: jodyannrn
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 9:00am

I don't really have any great suggestions other than trying a different therapist and trying to get dad on the same page as you with it so that he can encourage it rather than trying to talk it down to her. I have a dd that just turned 8 and I know how strong headed they can be and how difficult they can be to reason with and deal with (not like they can easily be picked up and put in a time out chair or whatever). I would try to talk to her whenever she is calm tho and would not give up after one try to 1. ask her what her feelings are on it and why and 2. tell her how I feel and how deeply I feel for her and that it concerns me that she acts out after coming home. I would not tell her how hurt it makes me tho nor how angry it makes me or how much it makes me resent her dad, etc. I do tell my girls (ages just turned 6 last week and just turned 8 in feb) how they are my life and I love them more than I can ever tell them, no matter if I am upset with them or if they are just being cute. I love them NO matter what! I tell them that if they don't remember anything else, that I want them to remember how much I loved them and that they will always be loved by me. Kids this age are really starting to be able to follow a routine mostly on their own, so it might be wise to give her a routine that is pretty constant and some consequences that would happen if she were not to follow them (no tv, no video games, etc.). If she does get everything done that there would be time to do those things or to play a game with you or rub her back or whatever special things you do with her). It takes time to get them to cooperate and it also takes persistance! We are in the midst of that persistance stuff, trying to get my oldest to be more responsible for herself. As far as dad, I'd make it clear that he is not to pick them up unless you give the ok and if he doesn't abide by those rules than take him back to court. He should not be coming to pick them up while you are working and giving her a leverage to use against you. Maybe explain to him that your biggest concern is getting her to have a healthy balance and without his help that isn't going to happen. Sorry to ramble on and on. I hope that things get much easier with her for you, if you did take your life tho, you will NEVER see her again! That reason is what keeps me going, granted sometimes I think that might be better for them in the long run, but I usually can't stand the idea of never seeing them again! TAke care and gentle hugs.

Sandra.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
In reply to: jodyannrn
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:17pm

You said ExH is abusive, is he abusive to the kids? If he is a decent father, why don't you let her live with him for a few weeks or a month? I know it's drastic and not what you want, but if the alternative is suicide you would NEVER see her again, like another poster said. If he's abusive, of course this would be a horrible idea! But if he's abusive, he shouldn't have any visitation time with the kids.

Someone once told me that before you commit suicide, you should try all other options. Take risks that you ordinarilly would never do. At that point it doesn't matter how risky it is, since you no longer have anything to lose.

If you die it would be a terrible thing to do to a little girl. Imagine how you would feel if your Mom commited suicide because you were a brat. I'm not judging you, but your daughter needs you whether she realizes it or not.

If this is too much for you, it's no shame for you to admit it. Your daughter needs you in her life in some way, but you have needs too. It sounds like first you put your husbands needs first, and now you're controlled by your children's needs. What about your needs? Do you have a therapist? It sounds like you need someone on your side for once, giving you support when everyone around you is pulling you in different directions.

I am worried that if someone doesn't help your daugther she may grow up into a spoiled uncaring person. It sounds like the best person to be a good influence in her life is you. She needs you, but you must take care of your needs first or you won't be strong enough to help her too.

Why don't you let her stay with the grandparents for a few weeks in the summer vacation? Only if they aren't abusive, of course. You need a break and distance to break this vicious cycle. Maybe she might just miss you if you're gone for weeks. But the best thing you could do while she's gone is get therapy and come up with a good plan to deal with her issues when she gets back home. Maybe you feel like you can't live without her but a few weeks is nothing compared to eternity, right? It's just a suggestion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 5:44pm
Hi again Jody,,,,I 'know' all these suggestions from us are so much easily written than taken into action,,,,I do know,,,trust me. It just sounds like this man is very controlling as you already know,,,and you probably also know your daughters are hearing things he wants them to hear which will contribute to how 'he' wants things to go. He is a cruel and manipulitive man if he is using his children as pawns in all of this. He must be saying something for a 7 year old girl to cry so much each time she is to return to her own home and her own mother! Please go back and find some help,,,,I wish your daughter could see someone else,,,,perhaps the other counsellor wasn't suited for her. She shouldn't have felt she was being 'punished',,,and I wonder how that particular word was introduced into that? Do you have any family Jody who can side with you in any of this,,,,support you at all? It sounds like you are up against him and his family which outweighs all of this a lot. Again my heart breaks for you,,,especially that your 7 yr old is being so cruel and inconsiderate to you. When she says mean things to you,,,do you cry? I think I would at first,,,but to be honest,,,,anger would nudge its way in and I would confront this girl and tell her she is 'your' daughter and you are her 'mother' and nothing can change that,,,and she needs to respect you as much as she does her father!
Oh I feel badly going on like this,,,,as if I am preaching,,,it is not my intention Jody honestly,,,,but thinking of you hurting so badly because of some little 7 yr old kid and your ex that you want to die,,,well I can't help but feel a lot of anger towards them both on your behalf. Please be okay,,,please call your T,,,,Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 8:12am
I'm feeling better today. It usually goes this way, Sunday nights are real hard for everyone, and it takes a day for everyone to adjust. I think I take it harder than the kids. Maybe I overeact, but it's hard being at work every weekend, knowing stepmom is taking care of my kids going to bday parties, etc. Things that I should be able to do with them. Then it's the last straw for me when I hear "the kids don't want to come back to you" on Sunday night. It's like kicking me when I'm down. But I'm feeling better, thank you for getting me through those low, low points! (I'll feel better til next Sunday, lol)