Losing all my friends
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:54pm |
A few years ago I had five very close friends. Call them N, A, P, K, and L.
N died.
A realized she was a lesbian and moved far away.
P is marrying a guy with no morals, and gets more like him every year.
K got a powerful, successful career.
L is still my best friend.
We all moved and none of them live in my state or even close.
Thank god- L will always be my true friend. We have an amazing friendship. But she lives far away and we never see each other, only talk on the phone and write letters.
I feel like I'm losing my friendship with K and A. Both of them are very motivated, successful, caring, loyal, enlightened people. I've always known that and it's a part of why I love them. But now that my life is such a mess and so am I, I am ashamed of myself and I'm afraid they are disappointed in me too. They don't call or write anymore, and I miss them. When I try they don't return my calls. I know it's my fault. They tried so long to encourage me and give me advice to help me and I guess they don't know what to say to me anymore. Also we don't have much in common anymore since their lives are so busy and mine's not going anwhere. There are long silences on the phone. No wonder they don't call me. I know they are not fair weather friends- I was friends with all of them for many years.
A is my oldest friend. We met 15 years ago. I miss her the most. We were so close, together every day for years. When she told me she was a lesbian I was surprised but it did not change the fact that I love her. But it is kind of wierd that I feel jealous of her gf- becuase I used to be the most important and closest friend to her, and now I'm replaced! It's not the same with L's boyfriend. Because she's a woman, A's girlfriend replaced me in a way that a guy could never do.
I'm not blaming it on A's gf, it's also my fault. I kind of pulled away from A before she came out because my life was a mess. But I never wanted to lose her forever. I tried to talk to her about it and somehow she got the wrong idea- she thought I was trying to say I didn't want to be friends! It upset her a lot and pushed us even further apart. Every time I tried to talk about it we had a misunderstanding. Now I'm afraid to say anything else and make it worse. And we used to understand each other and be able to talk about everything!
It kills me that I lost four good friends in less than four years. I'm worried that L will be the only true friend I have for the rest of my life. I was friends with these girls for so many years, I miss them. I feel guilty that it was probably my fault that we're not freinds anymore.
P is the only one who's trying to get in touch with me. I have been avoiding her, and I feel really bad. But she has changed a lot since meeting her fiance and I miss the old P. I don't think our friendship can ever be the same, even though she's trying- and I feel horrible for ignoring her, but I don't know what to do. I don't trust her after some of the things she's done since meeting her bf.
Does this sound like a soap opera?
Added to the problem is that I'm terrible at making new friends. I don't really want to make new friends, I just want to be close to A again, at least. I want to be able to trust P and I want to be close to her again too.
My birthday is this week. I'll be 26. I am guessing that L is the only one who will remember to send me a card or even call, and that makes me very sad. Knowing L, she will probably send me a very thoughtful gift and card and call. She is such a great friend that I tell her all the time she's a blessing. I know I'm lucky to have her. But I really miss A. And I regret the way things are with P. I must be a terrible friend!
Edited 4/18/2005 3:01 pm ET ET by bluerains

Hi Blue,
Lori,
I know, I'm being such a hypocrite about P! I don't want to go into details, but P did and said some hurtful things to me. When I talk about her morals I'm not trying to be a preacher, but I mean she lies and can be very cruel to people. Then she tells me about it. If she can lie to them she can lie to me too, right? I just don't trust her anymore. But how can I tell her that without being cruel? So I avoid her.. and that makes me a hypocrite! P is also sucicidal at times and I just can't bring myself to be honest with her when I the truth is so negative and cruel. I still care about her, I just can't forget a few incidents from the past.
I am going to call A again. What's holding me back most is that I am ashamed of my life. I know when I call her, she's going to want to know all about me and how I'm doing lately. Then I have nothing good to tell her. There's a long silence on the phone. And then I think, "I've ruined it again." I am trying to get things going with me but I have a feeling it's not going to happen any time soon. I've been waiting until I had some good news to tell A before I called her. But it's been months, and I still have nothing good to call about!
You are right that I should say something good about her gf. I've never actually met her, since they live so far away. I always try to include her in Xmas cards and such. I talked to her on the phone once. I am trying. But I hate feeling awkward and having long silences with someone who used to be like a sister! It doesn't feel right. There is a lot of guilt because I feel like it is my fault. She says I changed and I'm not the person she used to know. She said I used to be so incredible and now I've just given up on myself and she can't stand to watch it. I can't lie to her, she is one of the very few people who have always seen through my acts. I try to pretend I'm happy and great, but she sees through it! It hurts her too much to watch me suffer when she can't save me so she avoids me.
You are so right..the more I think about it...she feels about me the way I feel about P! What a horrible mess. I don't know how to fix any of it.
Hi Blue,