Family, friends, and suicide (Triggers)
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 04-25-2005 - 3:26pm |
This is a letter for the other victims, the ones who lose someone they love to suicide. I'm imagining I'm writing it to my family. (I have no immediate plans to commit suicide.)
To the ones I love:
I am sorry to hurt you. I know I broke your heart. Please forgive me.
You may think this has come out of nowhere. But I have been in pain for a long, long time. Every day for years I have carried tremendous physical and emotional pain. I can't bear it!
You may wonder why I didn't come to you for help. But what can anyone do to help me? You can't live my life for me. You can't take away my pain. I've gone for you for help many many times. You didn't know I was suicidal. But I talked to you about some of my pain and asked for help. You were there for me. You gave me love and a shoulder to cry on. You did everything humanely possible..and I'm still in pain. It's not your fault. You were always there for me.
I don't want to hurt you..but no matter what I do, I'll hurt you. If I lived, you would see me going through a downward spiral as I slowly lose everything and everyone I love. You would see me lose my job, my home, my health, when my strengh fades and I'm just not strong enough to do it anymore. You would watch that for years, until you gave up on me. You'd probably give me money, and help, but it's not what I need. I need peace and relief from pain. Life is pain. I know you can't understand this, but try to believe me. You've already seen my life fall apart and me self destructing in many ways. I know it's been hard for you. I wanted so badly to be happy. But I don't know how to be..and even the dumbest person learns from experience. After so many years trying to be happy, I don't believe it's possible for me. Why should I live 74 more years of constant pain? Do you really want me to?
Believe it or not I am trying to save you pain as well. I believe this is best for everyone.
Right now I still have some money left. I can leave you something in my will. It makes me happy to know that I can do this final thing to make your dreams come true. Mom and Dad, you always had to worry about money. I've always wanted to give you this. If I live I'll just waste it- you know I can't hold a job because of my issues and my savings are going down the drain. I don't want to waste my money. I want to give it to the ones I love. If I live, I'll wind up bankrupt and then die anyway, but I won't be able to give you anything. I'd much rather do it this way.
You probably think it's selfish of me to do this. But is it selfish of you to want me to live for you when I'm suffering, and all I want is peace? I have lived for you for many years. I endured all the pain I could. I wanted to die a long, long time ago. As a child, I wished I had never been born. I hung on as long as I could for you- I did not want to hurt you. I need you to let me go now.
I will always love you.
Love,
Blue
Edited 4/25/2005 3:32 pm ET ET by bluerains

Hi Blue,
(Warning: MAJOR triggers ahead)
I wrote the letter from the heart because it's what I feel but I'm not going to act on those feelings yet. I still have strength to resist it and keep trying to do the hard thing. Which is living.
I read a few books about suicide and the writers think it's a big mystery. No one understands what motivates a person or what goes through their mind. Also, I wanted to respond to the woman who lost a brother and maybe help her understand the suicidal state of mind. But I think it might have been different for him because it sounds like he did it in a fit of rage, whereas I've been considering it for years. I remember being ten years old and wondering if I would die if I drank bleach. I decided not too because I thought it would just hurt a lot and not kill me. That is not normal, right? Do most kids think like that? I wonder why I did even then.
"It seemed so presumptuous of me to assume that I knew what was best for those I love---or for anyone really! Making major decisions for others takes THEIR power away---it in fact, DISEMPOWERS those we care about (in my opinion anyway--lol!) and I just in general try very hard not to do that."
That is true but by the same token, it is wrong of them to ask me to live for their sakes. Do you know what I mean? I think that is the selfish thing. People say suicide is selfish but I think expecting someone to live against their will is the truely selfish thing. I am really just living for other people. I can make a list of the people I would hurt by dying, and because I love them I'm still here. But if I didn't care about them so much I wouldn't make this sacrifice.
Most people think the greatest sacrifice is to die for someone you love. I think the greatest sacrifice I can make is to live for them! Why can't I live in the happy world? Why do I have such bizarre and negative points of view on everything? I didn't ask to be like this, I really didn't. I'm just doing the best I can with the mind I have to live with.
I hope you know I meant no disrespect when I shared my thoughts with you... I understand how you wanted to elaborate a bit on the other post and help that writer understand what it is like to live within the suicidal mind. In fact, I understand that VERY well because I "lived there" myself for more years than I can count!