My ECT update...possible trig

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Registered: 03-27-2003
My ECT update...possible trig
6
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 1:44am

Hi, just thought I'd drop in to say hi...I guess things have been "interesting" lately, at least...I did decide to have ECT, and I had my third treatment this morning. After my second one, I had horrible muscle pain for a few days and nausea (I was actually almost suicidal then just because of the physical pain!)...I asked about spacing out the treatments more, but the doctor didn't think that would work well.

Third one today, and they changed the anesthesia (since I was aware of the seizure the first time!), so I slept all day afterwards. Fortunately my class had our midterm exam yesterday (which I took), so no class today. I'd like to go back to only a little anesthesia so I won't feel so sleepy and nauseated, but the doctors won't agree to that.

Sorry, rambling on about details already. I thought I was maybe starting to feel a little better emotionally, but mostly just increasingly confused-feeling. I'd been trying to "hold on to" my short-term memory, but even I have to admit it's been slipping more and more lately...I called a friend and left a message, but then called back five minutes later because I couldn't remember if I'd left a message before!

And after my whole day of sleeping today, I woke up feeling pretty hopeless. I feel like the ECT doctors really dislike me and my complaints...one of them keeps telling me that this is all just a matter of balancing risks and benefits of treatment (basically, that I have to put up with a lot to try to feel better).

I do understand that...but when you already don't want to live, the idea of going through days of severe muscle pain (unusual for ECT, probably related to my fibromyalgia) and nausea and day-long sleepiness is hard to accept. I'm doing it, though, and hoping maybe I won't need too many more treatments...

I have been going to class at least, but I may have to start missing some next week...and the hospital won't let me walk home without an "escort" (although I live literally across the street), so a fellow med student has to wait for me there...and I feel so bad about asking someone else to miss class for me and take all that time out of their day. This all just seems like too much effort for a useless life.

But I'll try...I did think I was feeling a little better, as I said...even managed to study all day on Tuesday for my exam...so maybe things will turn back around. I know I need to stop eating junk food when I'm not even hungry and try to get motivated, but it's hard. Sorry to go on about myself...I hope you all are doing OK...

Hugs,

Rose

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Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 10:09am

Hi Dear Rosa,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 1:58pm

Thanks so much, Lori...I know, it didn't take long to start the treatments...even now I sometimes wonder "am I actually doing this?". Thanks for the well wishes...I think the muscle pain was related to having the treatments so close together...I'm going to try to get a massage if it comes back this week. They did pre-treat me for nausea, but it was still a problem...better now, though.

I'm also hoping that things will improve as a result of the ECT...weekends are always hardest for me, and today I'm still painfully depressed. Plus I feel cognitively pretty odd...I feel like the ECT has made my thoughts kind of confused, and I have this unpleasant feeling of being disconnected from reality.

But hopefully that will fade with time. Fortunately this block of med school classes is probably the easiest one we'll have in these 2 years, so being in school right now isn't such a problem (although this week I'll probably have to start missing classes).

To answer your question, I think I'm glad I went ahead with this in some ways because I was desperate for something to help...and as you said, I wanted to do everything within reason to try to feel better and be more functional. Right now the jury's still out, though, I think...I've felt so unsettled and unhappy lately that I've been questioning my decision...and hoping that I won't end up with major cognitive problems from this. I just don't know...

Sorry for the very vague answer there! I hope you're doing OK as well...thanks again for all the support and advice you've given me over the months (years?).

Hugs,

Rose

Edit: OK, to be honest, I've been feeling pretty awful emotionally...I hate asking med school friends to skip class to come pick me up at the hospital...and I know I don't feel any more of a desire to live. The doctor said it would take at least 6 treatments for me to start to see a difference...I had #3 last week...so we'll see. I know a big part of it has to come from me...but I can barely stand to be alive.




Edited 5/1/2005 9:12 pm ET ET by rosa444
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Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 4:55pm

Rosa,

I understand so much about physical pain! Please God, give me one challenge or the other, but when you have to deal with emotional AND physical pain at once it is too much to bear. I know that if I had one wish, I would wish for a lifetime of perfect health.

Junk food...yes I do that too. I eat it every day. I recently tried to make a change. I now eat health food too. I have to have dessert every single day but I try to at least have spinach, or fruit, or something healthy every day. Why does junk food taste so good if it's not healthy????

Mother Nature, I have a serious complaint to file with you! If it's junk it should taste bad so we won't eat it but no, it tastes delicious. And other thing Mother Nature, why did you invent fat if the body won't use it??? Why am I hungry when I clearly have a few pounds to spare, shouldn't my body use that before I need to eat any more? But no, you want us to go the gym and eat health food don't you. You might want to rethink this policy!

Rosa, I hope ECT helps you. If it doesn't work you could try alternative therapy. I know that after dealing with this, you probably need something gentle!

Oh guess what- I just noticed a carnival setting up in my town. They have the biggest cinnamon buns you have ever seen, with a pound of butter and sugar each. Oh my god... I am going to get one and share it with my husband. I won't think about calories and I'll enjoy every bite...but we'll just eat one. I think that's a good plan.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:59am

Bluerains, thanks for your understanding words...and for your complaint with Mother Nature, which actually brought a smile to my face (hard to do these days, as you can imagine!). I hope you enjoyed that cinnamon bun...I'm glad there's no place close to me that sells those, or I'd be in trouble! Although this semester at school there are always free doughnuts and bagels every day...even bagels aren't much better, probably.

I may look into those alternative therapies you mention...I'm scheduled to get a short massage this evening and am hoping that will ease some of the muscle pain. My mom just sent me an article about an even more invasive technique, though...a new "deep brain stimulator" that's implanted into your brain for depression! That idea actually scares me a lot more than ECT...and it's not yet in common use, so I probably won't go there.

I've been wondering lately about all this anyway...maybe if I could somehow just decide that I wanted to live, things would start heading down the right path? I'm worried that nothing much will change if I can't get rid of that strong sense that I don't want to be alive. I wonder if everyone has to face that and overcome it, or if it's really all depression-related...hmmm...

Sorry to ramble again...hope this wasn't triggering for you, and thanks again,

Rose

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Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 4:50pm

"I've been wondering lately about all this anyway...maybe if I could somehow just decide that I wanted to live, things would start heading down the right path? I'm worried that nothing much will change if I can't get rid of that strong sense that I don't want to be alive. I wonder if everyone has to face that and overcome it".

I don't think most people feel this way, but I do. I think one of my problems is that I can't figure out a purpose of life that makes sense. If I could discover a purpose that makes all the suffering worth it, well then I would know why I am enduring it all.

But this is how life usually feels to me:

I feel like I'm running a marathon, feeling exhausted with chest pains and blisters, and I don't even know why I'm running it or where I'm headed. In fact, I have the strong suspicion that I'm actually running in circles and going nowhere. And the scenery isn't even nice, I'm running past factories and pollution and ugly buildings. But in the meantime, I look at most of the other people running the marathon and they're smiling and happy and actually enjoying this! And some of them tell me that they see beautiful scenery, and have been to incredible places while I'm running in a circle past the smoky factories. And no matter how hard I try, I can't see the path to the beautiful scenery or incredible locations, but everyone assures me that they're there. So I have to believe that either:

1. Everyone else is crazy or lying.
2. I can not see reality.
3. My reality is different than the world most people live in.
4. Something is going on that I don't understand.

I don't know what the answer is, but I wish I did. But please don't get brain surgery. That sounds like a very dangerous, bad idea! The last thing we want to do is suffer even more.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:02pm

Thanks so much, bluerains...I can identify so well with all that you said, especially your description of life as a marathon. I hope maybe it won't always have to be this way for either of us...and today, after my 5th ECT treatment, I thought I might have felt a little glimmer of hope...at least not actively wishing I were dead all the time. So maybe some good will come of this...I hope you can find some relief too...thanks again,

Rose