so upset...... pos trigs
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| Wed, 05-04-2005 - 2:51pm |
Ivillage dont dont the correct icon for how I am feeling right now, I am so brokenhearted. I just heard that my mom blames my child for my nephew molesting her and that it was only a few little bad touches, and that she doesnt understand why I am so mean to my nephew and well too make a long story short my mom doesnt love me and I know she never loved me like I wanted her to but she absoultely hates me b/c of my nephew, all I have ever wanted was my moms love I almost died when I had my brain bleed( due to abusing diet pills ) and she never came up to see me when the docs said I may not make it through the night, just an example of what I would do to get my moms love, I guess I better explain why I was taking diet pills as a little girl I was sexually, as no surprise from the age of 2 to the age of 15, any ways my mom would tell me that i am getting fat even when I was 76 pounds I was still fat to her, as you can see I would do anything to get my moms love and well now that I know I will never have it well it makes me so sad, all I can do is just cry and sob b/c I feel so empty right now.
Mary

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Mary,
You deserve to be loved. It is not your fault that your mother is such a horrible person. I hope you don't mind me saying that but you've got it backwards, your mother is unlovable NOT you! She sounds totally screwed up, and it sounds like she does not even know what love really is.
Now, with a mother like that who needs enemies? It is not your fault that you lost the mother lottery. But you can find love in other places!
Do you know any older women who might love you like a mother? Maybe you will find one in your life, maybe there is a wonderful, loving, incredible woman out there who needs someone to love, and you two are destined to find each other.
If I were you I would write my mother out of my life, never talk to her again. She doesn't deserve a daughter and that's her problem, not yours. She will only hurt you again and again unless you cut her out of your life! You don't need her when all she does is hurt you.
You can find love and you will- just not from this woman. She's only one person, there are millions of other people in the world that are far, far better than her. Don't let one person ruin your life when she is so not worth it!
Hi Mary,
Why do I want my moms love so much bad I am 34 years old I shouldnt need nor want the love of my mom, I dont understand at all. Please someone help me understand.
Mary
I know Lori and I have been crying all day b/c I know I have to let her go and that leaves no mom in my life and I want so bad to have her but I know I cant my T has even said I need to stay away from her b/c she is toxic to me, I am way beyond the dark place my life seems hopeless, my mom dont love me and my FIL hates me wat is so wrong with me that I cant keep anyone in my life, I dont have anyone here in my home town and I dont get out that much the only time I leave my yard is to go to the store with DH and my T appts that is the only time I leave, and I really have no urge to leave, sorry I am just rambling on, but I am afraid to stop b/c I am feeling so alone that I will end up doing something real stupid again, but I am running out of things to say. Why cant I let go of my mom Lor? Her and I use to be so close, but now that I look back I can see that it wasn't a healthy relationship, I want that back
mary
Oh mary,
It saddens me so much to read your post. I am sending all the thoughts, prayers and positive energy I can your way. I can understand the needing of a mother figure. In fact, this is one of the things I have discussed with my counsellor. She said that mother's love can come from elsewhere. I can see that you found that in your MIL and grandmother. It is okay to look for it in others, and I'm not saying not to continue to search for someone who can fulfill that role as well. I say as well, because the 1st person that has to fill that gap is you. My task in this regard was to learn self-nurturing (first I tried to come up with my own and then looked online). If you would like, I can post those.
Hugs,
Amanda
Hi Mary, I'm glad you are continuing to post and share with us--even though it obviously doesn't make it go away I find personally that it DOES help to get stuff out and to feel supported.
Mary, I will post on a new thread so everyone sees it, I'm sure we all could use a little self nurturing.
Hugs,
Amanda
It is a deep unfulfilled need in you because you never got enough mothering a child. It doesn't matter if you're 34 or 94, everyone needs to be loved and supported.
Just an idea, but have you considered volunteering with the elderly? A lot of people in nursing homes are deeply lonely because no one bothers to visit them or their families are too busy.
It is a depressing job because a lot of times these people are very sad, lonely, chronically ill, or senile themselves... and not in the habit of being social. But, perhaps you can find an adopt a grandparent program or something similar where you are very needed. If you can deal with the fact that these people are old and probably will die soon, you might just find that they understand very well what you're going through. And maybe with the wisdom that comes with age, they can give you a new perspective on the situation. At the least you'll be bringing a little light into a lonely person's life.
I often thought it's so sad that in this country, there are so many charities and such for children but no one seems to care about the elderly. They need love and lots of times they are as helpless as children, but no one cares about them because they're not cute like children. Maybe volunteering with older women could fill a hole in your heart at the same time as you fill the hole in someone else's heart.
I did that when I was 16 and I was in a group home and I loved it, the program was called helping hands, and I had a special lady there and when she passed her family invited me to the funeral, I would love to do that now but the only problem is that I have children and I cant afford a sitter, nor do I trust anyone to watch my kids, I love interacting with the elderly. As soon as I my children are old enough to stay at home alone then I will do that again, but right now I am doing home schooling with them and that in it's self is a full time job.
Thanks and my God bless you.
Mary
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