I'm Not Doing Good Right Now
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| Fri, 05-06-2005 - 9:50pm |
Just need to vent, I haven't been doing well emotionally. The kids have a new stepmom and it seems like they are bonding with her more than they have me. My oldest calls her "mom" and my daughter prefers to be at her father's. It is literally killing me.
I had been posting under the name Jodyannrn, but stepmom had read a couple of my posts on another board so I changed it to this. Some of you all might know my story.
My kids really don't want to be with me, they want to be with daddy. Still the same,,,nothing has changed. The kids are my world. To hear them constantly telling me they want to live with daddy really hurts.
My youngest told me she wishes stepmom was her mom. The kids see their dad every Fri-Sun. I desperately wish I could get it changed somehow, but right now I'm unable to. Seems like most kids have an every other weekend schedule.
Anyone have any encouraging words to keep me going??

I know it's really hard, but can you try to analzye this objectively and figure out what's going on? I am puzzled by it, I don't understand why your kids are being so mean to you.
Do you know:
1. What specifically do they like about Stepmom?
2. Could it be the novelty, the excitment of someone new and different?
3. Why exactly do they want to live with Daddy?
4. Are the kids trying to manipulate you? Do they mention Daddy and stepmom when they want something from you?
Knowledge is power. I think you have to analzye your kids motives before you can figure out what to do.
Also, make a list of five other things in your life that you love. This list must have nothing to do with your kids! Focus on the list so that even if they choose to live with Daddy, you can go on. Remember, you had a life before you had kids. There has to be something that you love in life besides your children. Hold onto those things, becasue it's clear that your kids are not being loving to you right now.
I think bluerains has some good advice...I'm also not sure why your kids might be feeling this way, except maybe that the novelty of the stepmom hasn't worn off yet. Another thought that occurred to me: is there a chance that your ex or the stepmom could be telling your kids negative things about you? You may have already mentioned if that's been happening...sorry, my memory lately has been horrible from the ECT.
Other than that, I agree with bluerains that maybe it's time for you to focus some of your attention on other aspects of your life that you can find joy in. I know that must be so hard to do...I don't have kids, so I can only imagine...but I think it might really help.
I also wonder if there's a chance that you and your kids are caught up in a negative cycle of depression and unhappiness. I know that when I'm depressed, I have to work very hard to even appear pleasant and fun to be around...and even then, it's often just a show that fades around people I know well. I hope I'm not saying anything that offends you here...I'm just wondering if your depression, whatever its original source, could be contributing to your kids' unhappiness at home.
If that's the case, I know it seems like a difficult situation...since you may feel that your depression will only resolve *after* your kids decide they like spending time at your house...but they may not decide that until after your depression resolves...kind of a catch-22! I don't know, would it help to focus on trying to feel better *for* your kids since they are so important in your life?
Whatever the case, I hope you can hang in there...keep posting here to keep us updated. And remember, no matter what "feeling of the day" your kids may have, you are and will always be the only mom they have...they need you to stick around!
Many hugs,
Rose
Thank you blue rain and rosa. I know I keep posting about the same thing. It just isn't resolving. It's just ever since he has been with this new woman things have been real bad for me. He seems to treat her differently than he did me. He puts her up on a pedestal. She doesn't have to work. He wants her to be at home with him and take care of there new little family. Honestly though, there has to be some stress in that household, maybe she just isn't speaking up yet. He lives with his dad and his brother too. He spends money like crazy, he's on the verge of bankruptcy if he hasn't filed already.
I'm hoping this stepmom situation is more of a temporary one. His last live-in girlfriend and I became friends. She called me one day to ask whose blue slippers and nightgown were beside his bed. Wasn't mine,,,:}
Sooner or later something will change, hopefully for the better, cause I can't live like this. I'm gonna die of a broken heart if my kids end up over there full time.
I hate hearing about her from my kids. For mother's day he bought her a #1 mom chain that on the card was from her kids, and MINE. Nice.
have you talked bad about stepmom in front of the kids? my suggestion is to show your kids that you like stepmom also even if you dont just let the kids think yo like her.
Another thing I was thinking is that maybe dad has less rules then mom does.
and being a mom also I know that kids can just be plain mean, my kids tell me that they hate me a lot but I know it is just b/c htey have to go by the rules.
have you ever asked your kids why they are so mean to you, can you set up a special time with your kids where yall jsut play a game and just haev fun?
hope things get better
Hugs to ya and may God bless you and your family
Mary
It might look good now but it's just the honeymoon period. I feel bad for the poor Stepmom because once the bankrupcy hits her, her life will be hell. She's got rose colored glasses on now because she's in love, but a lot of heartbreak lurks under the surface. No one deserves that.
How does Stepmom treat you? Do you think there might be a chance for friendship? She will surely need a friend very soon. I know you're in a tough spot, but if you think about it so is she. Who needs a key chain when her husband is putting her into the poorhouse.
There is no way he can provide a stable, happy home for the kids with his money habits. I don't think you should feel threatened.
Try to stop thinking about them and work on you. Be the best parent you can be, and work on showing your kids an alternative way to live. It would be a disaster if they learned from your ex and wound up like him when they grow up. But the only person who can prevent that...is you!
Honestly I don't understand how your kids can idealize a man like that, but children don't see things the way adults do. I only hope you can show them how to respect people and be responsible with finances. It seems like you are their only hope. Focus on that, and ignore all the Jerry Springer type drama your ex sends your way. It's not healthy for the kids or for you.
You have some very good points bluerain. My mom says the same thing. My mom says that I should be friendly with stepmom, cause she is going to need me one day when he starts hitting her. Right now her and I are just civil, we just tolerate each other. We've had a couple of confrontations, but other than that it's been ok.
I was thinking maybe when the ex is gone at work, invite her to Busch Gardens or something and our kids can get together. My daughter and her daughter are best friends. Maybe that would be good, she can get to know me as a person, and not just by what the ex has told her about me.