In search of will to live...trigs

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Registered: 03-27-2003
In search of will to live...trigs
7
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 7:14pm

Hi again...from what I can tell, the ECT doesn't seem to be working...it's just made me very sleepy and forgetful lately, but still not wanting to be alive. But I guess nothing like that can give a person the will to live anyway. I've just been sleeping and over-eating and feeling worse and worse about myself and my life.

I've been debating how much of this might be related to my recent feeling that I'm not "cut out" to be a doctor...the school counselor told me a while back that this career is probably going to remain an uphill battle for me, given my social anxiety and introverted-ness. I wonder if I should have taken the other route of vet school since I feel much more comfortable around animals...but there were reasons I didn't go down that path too. And it's far too late to turn back now.

As it is, though, I seem always to take the "path of least resistance," as a classmate half-jokingly pointed out to me...staying in the dorm because it's just easier, doing whatever requires the least effort and thought. Doesn't make for much of a life, I guess.

And my thoughts have focused on death a lot lately...it seems like I'm running out of options to try to get out of this depression, and I consistently just want to die. My mom remains the only reason I've been hesitant to act on those thoughts...I really don't want to hurt her like that, but I also don't feel like I can continue to live this way.

Does anyone have a suggestion? It seems like the ECT has made me feel pretty disconnected from reality, and the few ties I do have to life aren't necessarily pleasant ones...help?! I hope I'm not going to end up in the hospital if this progresses.

Thanks so much for listening,

Rose

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Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 10:36pm

Hiya Rose,


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Sun, 05-08-2005 - 10:44pm

Thanks so much, Lori...I really appreciate it. It was good to hear that someone else could understand to some degree...and the way you describe it makes the "path of least resistance" sound less shameful, at least! :)

In terms of changing from human to vet medicine, I think it is pretty much too late. Well, technically it's still at least possible, but I'd have to completely re-apply to a different school in a different state, and also somehow justify to the vet school why I wanted to switch. I don't think it's really an option...I mentioned to my mom a few months ago that maybe I should have gone to vet school instead...and she said "don't even mention that!" since I'm so far into med school.

And I guess I shouldn't feel at all sure that I'd want to live more if I were in a different career...I was really depressed through most of college, even though I was planning on going to vet school during that time.

Oh well, I hope the ECT still has a chance of working...the doctor said it typically starts working by about the 6th session...and I had my 6th one last week...but I'm sure there's a range of time when it can still work. Lately, though, it's just seemed to make me very forgetful and feeling almost disconnected from reality...not a good feeling! I'll ask tomorrow about the chances that it will still work.

Thanks again so much for caring....I really appreciate it,

Rose

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Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 12:24pm

Rose,

Are you in grad school? I think Lori is talking about undergrads when she said it's easy to change majors. She is right about that; I changed mine three times.

Let me share this with you. I quit grad school last year because of social anxiety. I was going to beome a librarian because it is the perfect job for an introvert. It is also my dream job. BUT... first you have to go to grad school!

In every single class we had to stand up and make an introduction speech about ourselves. Then I found out about the group projects and oral presentations. I got sick from the anxiety and couldn't concentrate enough to do the work. I quit.

Ever since then I've been unemlpoyed. I feel like such a loser. So my advice to you is: If you need to quit then do it. But make sure you have a plan for the next step first.

My career is one of my biggest problems. I don't know what I can do with social anxiety! Most careers are tailored for extroverts. It really upsets me when the job ads ask for an "outgoing, enthusiastic person". So many of them do! Why aren't there any ads that ask for a "quiet, reserved and serious person who will actually do the work instead of socializing for half the day"?

If the ECT is not helping then you should stop it. I am pretty skeptical about it, because it seems to cause more pain than anything else. You don't need that.

As far as the path of least resistance, I don't think it exists. Your life is so easy now, right? I think that we probably have more resistence on your path than most people, but it's internal, not external. But it's still very real.

You asked about will to live. I grasp at straws to find reasons to live in my own life. No matter how slim the reason is, if it works it's good enough. I think family is probably the strongest reason. I also love animals. When I see a cute animal it always cheers me up. I don't think you have to be doing cartwheels, saying "Hip Hip Hooray, I love to be alive today!" What about accepting yourself the way you are? I like you the way you are. I'm sure a lot of other people do, too.




Edited 5/9/2005 1:01 pm ET ET by bluerains
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 9:59pm

I also have the problem of "where an I going in life". The original plan was 4 yr degree with a minor(psych/soc) to have my two teachables. (then switched to B.A. hons, religious studies). I have switched to a 3-yr B.A. and have found out that religious studies is a sucky teachable(so now I'm taking even more school for geography). Now, everywhere I turn, things stand out as options of a career that aren't teaching. Then I was thinking about music therapy because of my big time interest in music (and psyhcology was the original program I had been accepted into). Then someone suggested I be a dr. Ya right. Like I could make it. In any case, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in wanting to change directions

Also finding reason for living, is really difficult right now. I promised I wouldn't try it again, but I really do feel like it and have yet to find joy in anything.

Amanda

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Mon, 05-09-2005 - 10:55pm

Thank you, Bluerains...I read your post over several times because it was comforting to me to hear someone else say those things...so thanks for taking the time to write it.

I'm actually in med school...I did end up changing majors a few times in undergrad, but it's not so much an option now...although of course there are a variety of different fields of medicine...but unfortunately they pretty much all involve a lot of human interaction! Except maybe pathology...although that sounds pretty boring...

I agree, I wish there were more ads asking for serious, introverted people! I doubt I'll quit school anytime soon because I don't know what else I'd do. I wish I could convince you you're not a loser for quitting...I can relate so well to that social anxiety...and I feel like I'll probably end up quitting eventually too, if I manage to even stay alive. Sorry for sounding so morbid.

I may end up quitting the ECT...today more than ever, I'm noticing major memory loss... although today is also coincidentally the first day that I've started to feel a tiny bit better too...I think maybe the two are related (maybe I forgot what I'm sad about?!). At this rate, I may HAVE to quit med school for now since I can't remember anything!

I really liked your answer to my "path of last resistance" question...that's a good way to look at it. And I guess you're right about the will to live...I will work on accepting myself the way I am. It just seems to me like most people, if faced with the possibility of dying, would fight to live...whereas I would see it as an "easy out." Oh well...

Thanks again...I really appreciated your post.

Rose




Edited 5/9/2005 11:07 pm ET ET by rosa444
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 11:01pm

Thanks, Amanda...it's good to know I'm not the only one facing this issue of where I'm going...although of course I wish you didn't have to face it! For what it's worth, I think you'd make a great, very caring doctor if you did decide to go down that path.

I'm sorry you're having trouble finding reasons to live too. When you said you promised you "wouldn't try it again," did you mean suicide? Sorry to be so blunt...I just wasn't sure what you meant. I hope that's not what's going through your mind now...but of course I'm concerned if it is.

Thanks again for your post...I hope we both manage to find joy in something soon.

Rose

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Registered: 02-06-2004
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 3:15pm

Yes rose, the promise that "I won't try it again" was about suicide. Apr 27 I had a bit of a run in with that. You can read my post in the trigger section if you like.

hugs,

Amanda
p.s. thank you for your kind words about me making a good dr. :)

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