Don't know how to go on

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Don't know how to go on
3
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 8:16pm

My whole life has fallen apart in the last month.  I'm 12 weeks pregnant today.  My husband, who is struggling to come to terms with the fact that he has a drinking problem, has decided he wants a divorce.  My midwife, upon hearing the stress I'm under, told me to take at least four weeks off work.  My employer wouldn't work with me on it, so I had to quit for the health of my baby.  I have an anxiety disorder that has gotten completely out of control with the recent events and the pregnancy, but they won't increase my medication (75 mg Effexor) due to the pregnancy.


A few months ago I was a successful, happy, independent 30-year-old, with a great job, my own house, and a graduate degree in business.  Now I'm unemployed, soon to be a single mother of two children, and I'm so exhausted I can't do simple things like take care of my house.  The house I'm going to lose because I don't have an income now.


My family is trying to be supportive, but I can't help but feel that everything has fallen apart to the point where I can't ever fix it.  I feel like an absolute failure.  Even my ex-husband is pitching in, but I can't stop the feelings of utter despair and hopelessness.  I can't sleep anymore.  I miss my husband so much, but he refuses to come back to me.  He is in a lot of pain of his own, I know, with the drinking and a recent DWI, but I feel so abandoned.  What kind of man leaves his pregnant wife?  I tell people it was my choice, but it wasn't.  I'm so ashamed that he would leave me when I need him most.


I try to laugh and joke around with people, putting on a strong front, but inside, I'm dying.  Last night I sat in front of a huge pile of pills I'd assembled, intending to take my own life.  I don't know what to do or how to go on, and I'm so ashamed that I'm thinking of ending it.  Killing myself would not be a good solution, I know, and it would hurt my son so terribly, but I can't stop thinking about it.  I don't know what to do.  Please, if you have any advice, I would love to hear it.

Angie


Angie

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 10:37pm
Hi Angie,,,my gosh you do have a lot heaped on your plate right now don't you? Right now it seems like everything is caving in on you at once and you don't have time to sort through anything. I just wanted to tell you that my husband has a drinking problem too,,,heck let's just call a spade a spade and say they are alcoholics. It could be a postive thing Angie if your husband has come to terms with that and isn't in denial. If he can get into AA,,,find himself a sponsor he may just be able to clear his head enough to think deeper about whether he really does want a divorce or was saying that as an escape mode. I don't know him of course,,,I just do know though how drinkers think and they often jump to the extreme in their reasoning or lack of. I hope he finds a sponsor who he can talk to and he will reconsider. That would be a big help and relief for you I would think if he gets his act together and stays in his family's lives.
I'm really sorry about your job,,,and your employer being so insensitive to you during your pregnancy. I don't know what you do, but they can't find anything for you at all to do,,,even something you could do from your home?
It is good you have some support from your family,,,they can only give so much I know but there are so many who have none at all. I so truly hope things will improve for you,,,and congratulations on your pregnancy,,,Supportive Hugs,,,,,Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 10:51pm

Hi Angie and welcome to the board--though I wish no one were in a place that they'd need such a board! Anyway, glad we can be here for you!!


First let me say I recognize it takes great courage to share your pain---much less with strangers and I commend you for it. I also happen to think that self awareness and sharing is the first step to healing! I've been in that dark desperate place myself and so I have some idea of what it feels like.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 12:35pm

Hi, I'm unemployed too. I know how terrible it feels.

You need to stop pretending to be happy. Grab your closest friend, and cry your heart out. Let out your emotions and ask for support. Tell your family how terrible you really feel. Tell them the truth about your husband- your pride isn't helping you now.

It sounds like you are an innocent victim of an alcoholic, so get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting ASAP. Everyone there knows how you feel and has probably been there. You can get a sponser who will support you and they also have a telephone network where you can call many people for support.