Stuck in a rut with no way out

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Stuck in a rut with no way out
1
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 1:24pm

I hate my life. I am stuck in a rut and can't get out. I have had no life and no job since August 2004.

I think I need to get a divorce or I will never have a good life again. My husband does not want to do anything in life except rest and spend money. And he sabatogues anything I try to do. I love him and I don't want a divorce. But he has been unemployed since May 2004 and he has'nt been on any real interviews. He went to a few job fairs and according to him that's a huge effort to find a job. Oh yeah, he blames it on me. He says it is my fault becuase I wanted to move to this small town and there are no jobs here. He said he was on the verge of getting a job in DC but I wanted to move, so it's my fault that he is unemployed. It always comes down to my fault. He is so full of excuses, he should be a professional excuse maker. He is waiting for the perfect job to be handed to him on a silver platter, and until then he is happy waiting!

Let me explain my side. We moved here because I got accepted to grad school here, but I quit because of social anxiety. I have tried very hard to find a job here, but I have to agree with DH that there are few opportunities here. But unlike him, I've been trying very hard to find one! Our lease is up in July and we don't have a clue where to go because we have no jobs and I'm really sure companies will want to hire us when we have such a huge gap on our resumes! We are total losers!

I don't blame it all on DH but I am fed up with his lazy attitude. I never realized how bad his work ethic was until we came here- he had a good job in DC. But that job was handed to him on a silver platter, and he seems to expect it will always work out that way. Whenever I try to motivate him or talk to him about his work ethic, he gets angry at me and it turns into a huge fight. He says he has tried (three job fairs) and it's my fault that he can't find a job.

Now he has an "interview" for a work-at-home type deal, the kind where you don't get a salary and you pay to buy your own business. There are so many flags that this is a waste of time, like they won't tell him the job title or salary and instead of an interview there is an information session, and spouses are invited! I tried to tell him that this is a waste of time, it's not a real job, but he got very angry at me and tells me that this is an opportunity and why am I ruining it for him. He is not looking for another job becuase he has this opportunity, you see. He's driving very far to go to the session and I hope to God he doesn't sign up for it! That's all we need, to lose more money on some crazy buy your own business scheme. Can you now see what I am dealing with?

I wish I had married a good provider. Ladies, never never get married unless your boyfriend is a good provider! Love is not enough. She says with hindsight.

I tried to motivate him, but instead of me helping him he's brought me down to his level. He sees nothing wrong with his actions, it's always my fault, and he is always shocked when I say I am considering divorce. He says I am a nag and never believe in him and his opportunities.

This is the problem: I don't know how to leave! I don't know how to live on my own! I can't drive! I have asked DH for a year to teach me how to drive and he always has an excuse on why it's the wrong time. I looked for a driving school but the only thing I can find is for teenagers who haven't got their licence yet, it's at high school!

I told my parents in Nov. that I want to get a divorce. They got really shocked and upset, and then said that they warned me not to marry this man, so I felt worse. I thought about it and realized my parents don't have any room for me to live with them temporarily while I get back on my feet. They really have a tiny house and it is filled with their stuff- there literally is not enough room for me.

So how do you leave a bad marraige when you can't drive, have no job, no job references, have been unemployed for a year, and no where to live?

I know if my husband were abusive there are tons of agencies that could help me. But he is not abusive, he's just lazy.

Also how do I deal with the worry that as soon as I leave, my DH will get a job? I am almost positive that will happen. If he had a job, I would not want to leave him because I do love him. But if a man won't get a job, love isn't enough you know! His parents are rich, so I'm sure he'll never be on the streets. But I don't want to live on his parents charity.

Oh yeah, his plan is to go to grad school and become a psychologist. But he is so lazy that I doubt he'll graduate- I just can't see him doing that much work. I predict it will happen this way: he will start school, do all the easy classes, pay a ton of money, then when the hard classes come he'll fail and he'll have a million excuses why he did not have time to do the work. Meantime, we'll have paid thousands of dollars to the school and instead of quitting, he'll take all those classes over again because he never gets stressed out over a little thing like money. Do you think I'm being way too mean or given his pattern of behavior, is this an accurate guess? I dread being around for this and know I have to get divorced first or I'll be totally broke.

I also know the reason he's going to give: he can't get a job so he has to go to grad school. It's kind of hard to get a job when you don't send out your resume, isn't it?

I don't know what to do. I am so miserable every day. I am totally trapped. In DC we had public transportation. I didn't need to drive as much. It was such a mistake to move here, but how could I know it would turn out like this?

Also, half of my clothes and possessions are being stored in Connecticut at my grandma's house. So I'd have to get most of that before I move.

I really don't want a divorce. It hurts so bad that DH would rather lose me than get off his behind. He is 33, not 93!

I feel like there is no solution and the only one I can think of is death. I live in rural Penn. I want to move to Seattle or San Fransico- but how, how can I do that? Every night I pray I die in my sleep. That prayer is not answered. None of my prayers ever are.




Edited 5/10/2005 1:37 pm ET ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 3:26pm

Hi Bluerains,


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