losing once again.. trigs!!!!!!
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| Thu, 05-12-2005 - 1:28pm |
Well I am losing the will to go on again, all I think of is my grandma and you know I am missing her so much and I feel as if I have lost the one person who I need and I get mad at her for leaving me here then I feel so bad that I am mad at her.
I have enough on my platter right now and I know that the Lord will only give you as much as you can handle but come on please I cant do this anymore, I am tired of being depressed and just tired of being in pain if it doesnt let up soon I am going to have to end it all.
My T seems to think that I may have bipolar b/c of my moods but you know putting a name on my depression doesnt make it go away, nor does it make it any better.
I am so tired of being depressed.
why cant I just have a "normal" life, why did my granny have to die I need her and she left me, everyone that i love leaves me
mary

Mary, I'm so sorry you're going through this again...I know it must be so hard to deal with the loss of someone you loved so much. I think it's OK to feel mad at her for leaving...anger is just part of dealing with loss, I think. But maybe you can also come to see her as still having a positive influence on your life...I'd imagine that your grandma would want to see you do whatever it takes to get help and feel better, even if that means going to the hospital if you feel like you can't stay safe.
Because there are people in your life who need you at least as much as you needed your grandma...your kids, for one. I'm not sure if it helps you to think of them in times like these...but I can't imagine how hard it would be for them to deal with the unnecessary loss of their mom, especially so soon after losing your grandma.
Please take care of yourself...if you feel like you can't stand the pain, please go to the hospital to see if you can get help with medication and intense therapy. If you can imagine your grandma looking down on you, I'd guess that her wish would not be for you to take your own life. If you can somehow start to feel better (and I know it's a long, hard road sometimes), you can be a living reminder of your grandma's spirit, for your kids and everyone else who knew her.
I hope this didn't get too sentimental or preachy-sounding...I just really want the best for you, a chance at a happy life. If your therapist thinks you might be bipolar, have you ever talked with a doctor about maybe trying a mood stabilizer? My psychiatrist once put me on lithium just as an "augmentative" therapy for depression...it's supposed to have a pretty good success rate for unipolar depression as well, which I hadn't known...and it did help me to some extent.
Please stay safe, keep posting, and keep trying to find any little thing to hang onto,
Hugs,
Rose
Hi Mary,
Yea I do miss my granny so much all I think of is her and it hurts so much to miss someone this bad, I either dont sleep or sleep all the time, I hope it gets better soon.
Mary
TY Lori
I am doing ok for now I know that most of this is due to my granny's death and you and I both know that the only thing that is keeping me here is my children, but when I get so depressed I think it would be better for everyone if I would jsut die that way I would stop being a bother to them or hurting them ya know.
I lay in bed and think of ways to harm myself not so much kill myself but harm myself in a way that no one would know. well I have been up for over 24 hours and it is now 5:30 my time it is time to get DH up for work, hopefully I will get to get back on the board today I have to try to do home schooling today with my children.
Mary
Hey Mary,