Getting it all off my chest...triggers
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| Fri, 05-13-2005 - 12:01am |
Hi again...I hope it's OK for me to post once more (warning you in advance, this truly is a monster of a post in terms of length!). I think the ECT may be helping some, although it's done a number on my memory...really to an extreme...so I think I may have to ask for an extension for my school exams. I can't even remember what I did last week, much less any new neuroscience information! My apologies if I repeat something I already posted!
I did get up the courage to ask the doctor today what I could do about still feeling suicidal...he brought up a good point, that I should just look at these feelings as a symptom of depression, and that just because I have them doesn't mean I have to act on them. So I'm trying to keep reminding myself of that, even though it seems counter-intuitive...
I do keep getting these images in my mind and these urges to do self-destructive things...at times I wonder if I'll just follow my urges and do something harmful before I even realize it (I've done that before, although obviously it wasn't fatal). With everything I've read about the human drive for self-preservation, it does seem odd that I have to keep restraining myself from doing gruesome things.
Oops, enough philosophizing for now...sorry! I did have to tell a classmate I couldn't drive today because I'd been under anesthesia (didn't say why), but she asked about it, and I just mumbled something about it being embarrassing. I have told two of my closer friends...but I wonder how bad it would be to tell some classmates I don't know quite so well...
I probably won't since I wouldn't want bad rumors to get started...but I somehow wish it was more acceptable to be open about these kinds of things, just to a limited number of people. It seems like future doctors would be understanding, but I know the stigma is still definitely there...I just hate that depression has to remain a "hidden" illness, when I know classmates with physical illnesses who are able to be open about them and get support.
Well, since I'm rambling already...(anyone still reading now can feel free to stop if you want, lol!)...lately I've developed a fear that if/when I come out of this depression, I will realize I don't want to be in med school. I've been depressed, to some degree, for years and years...and while I probably had some decent reasons for making this career choice (at least intellectual interest), I don't know that I ever came out of my depression enough to develop an actual passion for it.
But when I "tried out" other careers before, I didn't feel like I loved them either, probably because I was so continually depressed. Like I think now I'd really like working with animals...but when I volunteered at a vet's before, I thought maybe it wasn't for me since I didn't feel exactly "happy" then either...but I don't think any career would have made me happy.
Hmm, I wonder...I'd asked my doctor if she'd known any med students who'd gone through ECT before, and she said that she did know a few, but that they'd all ended up leaving med school to pursue other things. But there are some parts of human medicine that interest me (part of the reason I didn't go into vet medicine was because I liked dealing with human psychology, at least on an intellectual level!)...so maybe if I get un-depressed, I'll be able to get into those more.
Because the truth is, I'm pretty sure I would pick killing myself over leaving med school...for so many reasons, but high on the list is the fact that I really don't particularly want to live, and haven't for a long time...added to the humiliation and unimaginable hassle of leaving school, and that makes a recipe for disaster. Plus I don't even know that I'd be happy as a vet...I'd probably always wonder if I should have stuck with human medicine, knowing me, lol...
OK, now that I've talked your ears off (I'm amazed if anyone's made it this far!)...thanks for letting me just get this all off my chest. I'm not in therapy right now (the school counselor was the one who suggested ECT because she didn't feel like she was helping me), so I guess this is my own way of unloading...thanks...I really hope I didn't end up triggering anyone.
Rose
Edit: Why not add to what's already a novel of a post?! I guess I have yet another philosophical question...I'm having trouble seeing the contribution of each individual in a field. I'm not sure how to phrase this...but my mind tends to lean towards the thought that there is no value where there is no individuality...one reason I always envied my sister, who's an accomplished writer.
For instance, it seems like if I didn't become a doctor, there would always be someone else to take my place...and the same goes for most other careers. That tends to make me think it would be OK for me to end my life because I don't have anything special to contribute (I've tried my hand at writing some, but don't think I've gotten very good). But another part of me knows that this line of thinking somehow doesn't make sense...because if everybody acted like me and ended their lives, of course there would be no doctors or anybody else! I just can't sort out the logic.
Sorry to turn so philosophical and rambly...this may be coming from a class discussion we just had on a depressed character in a book who ended up committing suicide. I guess it has become more of a real possibility to me, which I guess is not good...hmmm...sorry again...
Edited 5/13/2005 1:27 am ET ET by rosa444

I know it may seem a little philosophical and rambley but I can follow your logic lol. Maybe that's just because I have a weird brain too. (not an insult to you).
I really do think you will be able to do very well as a doctor. Your personality just shines and I can tell that you are very bright. It's just that you're having some trouble right now. Hopefully that will all turn around very soon. Can you defer your studies for a year or even a semester while you get things straightened out? I have so much faith in you. I wish you could have faith in yourself.
I don't know much about ECT so I can't comment on that. I am still stuck in the movie vision of it. ;)
Please don't think that your only options are stay in med school or kill yourself. That would be a false dichotomy....that is the faulty logic, not what you talked about at the end :)
Love,
Amanda
Thank you so much, Amanda...your post meant a lot to me. I'm amazed anyone can follow my logic at all, lol! And thanks for pointing out that piece of faulty logic in the false dichotomy...I hadn't thought of it that way! :)
I hope you're right that things will turn around for me...thanks for the compliments, although I don't see myself as especially smart or good at anything (especially anything social, ugh!). It would be very difficult to defer a semester or a year, plus I don't know what I'd do in the meantime (I seem to do a lot worse when I don't have the distraction of school, if you can imagine worse than this!)...but I will think about it. Already I'm betting I'll have to wait to take my final exam until later this summer, after the effects of the ECT on my memory have worn off some (which they hopefully will!).
Thanks again so much...I really appreciate your faith in me...maybe I'll try to adopt some of it myself, lol! I want you to know that I have the same kind of respect and faith in you even when you don't...you are such a strong, caring person, and you deserve the best in life.
Hugs,
Rose
((((Rose))))
I really do know where you are coming from on this. You said you are better with the distraction of school. I understand that. Sometimes it's not about that, things just get worse (in my case, natural BP progression). I was having severe episodes and my anxiety was through the roof and constant, and according to one of my profs she had never seen me this bad - But it turns out this is the best year I have had since my first year. My marks are better (at least I think so), at the very least this is the first year that I haven't failed anything! I don't know how I managed not to get kicked out with 6 failures (well I think it's based more on my average which was high first year so I managed to only end up on academic probation at the end of last year). I am graduating! In my case however, I took 4 years to do a three year degree (including summers). I registered with the centre for student development as a disability student and have accommodations around test writing and flexible deadlines. If I had to take a full courseload and have no accommodations I wouldn't have made it. I wish I could say I could have.
I do have faith in you and meant what I said. I know how hard it can be to accept compliments (I'm the worst) Just say thank you and then zip your mouth before a "but..." can come out (I'm struggling with that too). Thank you for saying you have faith in me too. I am trying to find that myself too. I had a T.A. this year who had faith in me and that made a world of a difference. I guess that wasn't the only one though. All my instructors and T.A.s this year were amazing. But the one T.A. particularly stands out in my mind. I was so miserable when I wrote my first paper for that class that I ended up putting myself down and saying I was going to fail so what does it matter...as a footnote! When she handed back my paper she gave me a smack with it and said "you didn't fail" (like how could you think that!). I went to talk to her one day because I thought I knew nothing of the material, plus was looking for the topic to my paper and she kept assuring me I knew what I was talking about. Unfortunately that conversation couldn't be graded as my paper or exam lol! I wish that was one of the alternate testing methods I could get, but I probably wouldn't anyway and it probably wouldn't be exactly what I imagine.
Wow, I'm the one who is rambling tonight!
Love,
Amanda