Hi everyone, trigger maybe

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Registered: 02-06-2004
Hi everyone, trigger maybe
5
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 9:51am

I'm sorry about not posting. I haven't been up to doing much in the last few weeks. I don't even know when I posted last. Probably after going to the hospital.

Work last week was heck. It was so busy for the first 1 1/2 hrs that I was ready to scream, and would have been even if it wasn't my first day back. Then I had to deal with everyone from next door confronting me on the OD. I'm sick of the question "Why?" and hearing "I'm your friend, you know people love you, you should have called me" If I was in any frame of mind to call you, I wouldn't have *needed* to call you!

I saw tdoc and my family doc last week. Didn't really focus on the OD too much. Almost not at all with my family doc. That was my doing. I don't want to talk about it. I was really sick of it by then.

This week I saw my disability counsellor and pdoc.

My appt with Christine was awesome. We talked abit about the OD and then moved on. I told her about my sound sensitivity. She said she could ask questions to find out what it is that's making me afraid. We never got to that. We did touch on something that she noticed and said I was obsessed with playing with my "wedding" ring or maybe that she was. I said ya, it's probably just me distracting you ;) But seriously, I didn't make anything of it. I am always playing with something. Usually my class ring is on that finger and I always play with that - or I'll be playing with my zipper, scarf...there's always something.
One of the things she asked me is what it would look like if I could have my one dream. Right now that is serenity and a place of my own, sanctuary. So, we finished of the appt with a meditation to find my safe space. I better practice it so I don't lose it and so I am able to recall on demand.

The pdoc appt wasn't that good. I left there feeling more anxious than I went in and even ended up crying shortly after. The fact that my next appointment isn't until June 22 doesn't help. So we talked about the OD, she thinks it's just a coping mechanism so to speak, that these thoughts are always in the back of my head and have been for a long time and I bring them up as a way of releasing the feelings. Making me feel like there is something I can do about it. I don't think that's entirely it, but whatever. I didn't get in the things that I was supposed to ask her or tell her. We talked about meds and she wants to take me off the Wellbutrin or maybe all meds and start again... she wants to see for herself how I am without meds - that's pretty selfish in my books. Make me go off the meds, so you can judge the effectiveness yourself. Once again I feel like no one is taking me seriously and that maybe she thinks I'm not bipolar again. Grrr.

Sorry about going on. I really needed to get that out and I hope someone makes it this far and will write me back. I feel so alone, lost, misunderstood.

Amanda

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 3:09pm

I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone and down, Amanda...I am glad to hear from you, though. It sounds like Christine has some good ideas, with the meditation she mentioned and all...but I wish your pdoc were more understanding. I'd be worried too if my doc was planning to take me off all meds to start over...and I know how awful it feels to think that you're not being taken seriously.

Is there any way you can call and try to set up an earlier appointment with her to discuss these issues? It scares me to think you might get into serious danger again, and I wish I knew what to say to help more.

Please keep posting and unloading whenever you need to...I know it helped me recently to get all that off my chest too. We are here to listen and try to support you...please lean on us if and when you can.

Many hugs,

Rose

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Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 5:21pm

Hi Amanda,


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Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 2:24am

(((Rose)))

Thanks rose. Christine is great. I wish I could see her more often but she is supposed to be only my disability counsellor. Pdoc couldn't see me after it happened so why would it be any different now. Ugh. I should remember to make an appointment with Christine and with my family dr. (note to self...) I haven't gotten them set up yet. I will definately see my family dr before seeing the pdoc again so now that I have some answers, I'll bring up the inpatient with him again.

It is so hard for me to tell someone what I think, particularly in this situation. I don't want to be a know-it-all patient who is seen as trying to do the dr's job. Also I probably do it out of fear of conflict and judgment.

It really angers me that the hospital didn't take me seriously though. When I started seeing Christine I had a really bad episode of SI and we made an agreement not to and then it happened again, and even at school where the is dr's and counsellors and peer counsellors and chaplain and security and emergency first response team (first aid) and there is a hospital on the other side of campus...i felt like I had nowhere to turn. I guess it was more like I didn't know where to turn. So we made a plan. And I actually was the one to speak up and say that I needed it. But that wasn't the point of me saying all that. The point was that part of that plan was I could go to the hospital if I wanted to SI that badly. So for me to go to the hospital *thinking about* SI should be lower than *thinking about* SU and then actual attempt be most serious. I have such faith in our health care system! *sarcasm* So, if I sould be going to the hospital for thinking about SI I should definately be going to the hospital for SU attempt and expect to be taken seriously!

Well, thanks again. I didn't mean to keep ranting.

Love,

Amanda

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Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 3:02am

I have talked about my overdoses quite a bit considering. But I have talked to who I want, when I want and about what I want. It has to be on my terms. I guess I was getting defensive otherwise. Plus you're right about not understanding myself. They don't even understand how I can't understand myself. They are also a sensitive subject. I never even wanted my mom to know I felt this way, let alone see it in action.

It does seem odd that she wants me to come off of everything so she can see how the meds are working. I think that she doesn't see a difference in me since she's known me and maybe still hasn't figured out what to diagnose me. She is fairly new. It was my family doctor who wrote the prescriptions in January. I do trust her but at the same time I get mad that she questions whether or not I am bipolar. My friend (although a new friend at the time too!) and I both started seeing her at the same time (the same day actually). I feel that she is treating us both exactly opposite and I see how exactly alike we are. She had been diagnosed in an outpatient program at the hospital although from what she said I don't think they said it straight out. Even the fact that she got into the program shows that she was taken seriously. God why must I *look* so normal?! So pdoc treats me completely like a non-bp or maybe even a complete normie, and my friend ""unquestionably"" as a bp. I think they are two extremes and neither should be taken. I know I'm bp, half the world knows I am. I don't know why she doesn't get it! Maybe it's because there are two many other symptoms that I show and she seems to be pretty by the book and narrow minded when it comes to diagnoses. Apparantly psychotic features are not a part of borderline or bipolar (which are all me). Does it really matter that I'm a bipolar borderline with psychotic features, obessive compulsive, panic disorder and general anxiety? Or anything? Just don't treat me like there is *nothing* wrong when obviously there is. Take my word for that when I say that!

Sorry for the rant again.

Amanda

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Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 6:55pm

Hey there,


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