Wish me luck...trigger

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wish me luck...trigger
4
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 6:52pm

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my pdoc to discuss new meds, partly because the ECT somehow doesn't seem to be doing the trick completely. I'm honestly starting to think that no one or nothing outside of myself will be able to help...that I'm just deep down a very lazy person who can't get motivated even to want to live. Already I've had to stop my hand from reaching for the pill bottle many times just today...and I'm only doing that to avoid hurting my mom.

Pretty much the only meds I haven't tried are Cymbalta and the MAOI's...but in order to take an MAOI, I'd have to be off all my current meds (all 3 different ones!) and then have to deal with daily migraines...so I just don't know. I don't think I'd mind the dietary restrictions on the MAOI's, but they would make it easier to hurt myself.

I just don't know where to go from here. Even my innermost instincts seem to be telling me I'd be better off not living...my favorite moment in a day is usually that split second before the anesthesia from the ECT completely knocks me out. I know my mind must be somehow sick to be thinking like this, but I don't know how to change it.

Once again, I apologize for the many potential triggers in this post...the last thing I want to do is spread this mood around! But if anyone has an idea of how I should talk to my pdoc about this or what else I might try, of course I'd be open to anything now.

Thanks, as always, for listening,

Rose

Avatar for markshay
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Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 9:16am
Rose, sorry to hear that things are so frustrating for you. I understand how that can be, really I do. I still hear alot of loneliness in your posts, I wish I could find a way to fill that void. Is there anything you can think of to find some way to feel some human nurturing? It sounds like you need a distraction for now from your thoughts and feelings. How much longer til you get a break from school? Do you have classes all thru the summer? Would you have any time to go on a vacation?, Maybe get a closer friend that you do have and get them to go with you (try as hard as you can to find another person to spend some time with, I'm not suggesting to go out and find a 'new' friend unless that's what you would want to do). Any chance to get to visit your sister and spend some quality time with her? As far as the time you have alone, what do you like to do that is distracting to you? (I know you've said you like photography, which is great, but maybe something you can do on more of a minute by minute base, like painting, drawing, reading, um, playing a game on the computer, a good movie. Maybe try to get together with a friend for breakfast or lunch. As far as the evening's go, my suggestion would be to try to go to sleep a bit earlier to avoid that late night loneliness. I do alot of crossword puzzles at bedtime just to help me wind down and to distract myself some. Write in your journal. Ask yourself what you really want out of life (I know you keep doing that, but continue to do it, write it down, look at it and see what you feel about it). One of the better therapists used to tell me to just live thru the bad times and see where it takes you. Eventually you will feel a bit better and will have learned soemthing about yourself. Some of us it just takes longer to figure out to get thru these really down places. Do you have any idea of what you would really like to do or what you'd like to see your life be???? Even if you are afraid to admit it? Any place where you're at to do some flowers? Any games you like to play that you could find a friend to play with you? Maybe making things a bit more structured for yourself, so that you know what you are planning on doing with your time. Write down the things you want to do, then check them off the list as you do them so you can see how much you are accomplishing. Find another therapist off campus if at all possible. Someone who is willing to really work with you and help you figure out what YOU want and need out of life. Spend some time and figure out what it is that you'd like to improve in yourself and take that in when you go in to see them. Anyways, I hope that you find something that will give you a break from what you are feeling, even if for a little while! Hope your appt. goes well today! Let us know how it goes and what they think. My instinct would be to go back on whatever med did the best for you and give that more time and maybe with the ECT, it would work better this time around, but no med is going to fill that void. Also they say that therapy combined with meds is the best way to go. (((HUGS)))! Take care, you really are a special person.
Sandra.
Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 3:30am

(((Rose)))

Not much advice here. I'm pretty brain-dead right now. I need sleep.

I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and give you hugs and good luck.

Love,

Amanda

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Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:10am

Hi Rose,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 11:35pm

Thanks, you all...Lori, your way of describing the situation made me feel a little better, that maybe I'm not as completely lazy as I usually think I am. I posted the following message on the Bipolar board...it's been such a strange few days that I don't know how else to describe them! There may be triggers to come...
----------------------------------------------------

Hi you all...I just got discharged from the psych ward of my local hospital this morning...it has been a LOOONNNGG few days. I'd gone in for my regularly scheduled ECT (electroconvulsive therapy, if you aren't familiar with the term) and made some "worrisome" comments, I guess, so I wasn't allowed to leave!

My sister even came up, cross-country, to visit, which was great...but overall it was a crazy, stressful experience...not to mention that the ECT has wreaked havoc with my memory and given me odd "flash-back" feelings and other really bizarre, "am I losing my mind" kind of things.

So there you have it...I'm not sure what else to write right now. I just saw my regular psychiatrist, and she didn't change any of my meds, although I'd wanted her to...I'd started having really frequent migraines again, so I'd have liked to try some kind of mood stabilizer that also helps with those headaches.

The docs there said bipolar II could be a possibility for me, but that they've only seen the depression so far, so that's all they can diagnose me with. But my "happy," energetic times involved not sleeping very much and being grateful for every little thing in life...so of course I wouldn't head to the hospital feeling like that. I just wish I could have another time like that...I could sure use a break from this sadness!

I'm going to try to figure out if I can salvage my schoolwork and exams...I'm going to have to reschedule them all. I talked to a dean at my school today who hinted that she knew everything...how humiliating...she even said "it must be so embarrassing for you!".

Hope you all are making it through OK...I would write more about how I'm feeling, but I don't want to trigger anyone. I do want to ask, is it possible for a person to be so lazy that she just wants to lie down and give up on life rather than have to live it? That's kind of where I'm at now. Sorry for ending on that downer of a sentiment!

((Now I remember you said I may not be that lazy, so I'll try to keep that in mind...I have been thinking how I wish I'd gone to vet school instead of med school and looking at switching to that career path, so I guess that's not necessarily lazy...but it's getting to the point that I'm once again feeling drawn to the pill bottles, and having to restrain myself from going that route...if it weren't for my parents' feelings, I'd probably have done it long ago...))

Hope you all have a good week, and hope I didn't bring anyone down too badly,

Rose