Justifiable Suicide? (long)
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| Sun, 05-15-2005 - 8:48pm |
Hi everyone,
I'm new to the board. This is going to be a long post.
I'm 25 years old and still living at home with my parents, unfortunately. They are the source of 90% of my suicidal feelings... but also the reason I can't leave. As I type this, my mother is storming through the house, screaming about how worthless I am.
I wrote my first suicide note when I was eight. My mother found it too early and spent the rest of the day telling me what a baby I was being. She still uses those words today. After that, I've learned to never write a note. No one will ever see it anyway. Even if I manage to die, she'll just throw it away so nothing can be traced back to her.
I work full-time for the local school system as a secretary. The school system is very "economically challenged." Which basically translates to dozens of parents screaming at me all day long about how it's not their "babies' fault" they're failing/fighting/etc. If there are no parents around, it's the teachers complaining that the copier doesn't work, the phone is ringing off the hook, the kids are causing problems..... blah, blah, blah. I honestly don't know how the majority of them ever got their degrees.
Which is my other problem. I'm currently working on my teaching degree through an online (accredited) university. Not for long. When I was accepted to the university, I was thrilled. My mother had been screaming for years that not having a degree was the source of my failure. I finally get accepted..... and the first words out of her mouth are, "Call them back and cancel." She didn't like that I went through something online that she couldn't visit and manipulate. Since then, she has made sure that I can't study for even five minutes interrupted. She doesn't count screaming at me in the background as an interruption. I've struggled for a year to keep going but I've already failed one final exam because I couldn't read the book in peace. I have two finals scheduled for next week and haven't managed to even touch either book. I emailed my mentor tonight about pulling out of the program. It's just a waste of money.
No matter what I do, I'm still worthless. I wear my hair long. My mother considers it ugly because, "No one has long hair." I don't wear makeup. That's also an offense. I like comfortable clothing. "No one is ever going to hire you in that." I even got screamed at today for cleaning. I spent an hour scrubbing the carpet to get some long set-in stains out. Then I did some laundry. I hadn't pre-approved this with her. She spent the next hour screaming at me for it (nothing was messed up) then complained that "no one helps me!"
As for my father... He's an alcoholic. He drinks dozens of bottles per week of beer and vodka. He falls down just trying ot walk across the room. Yet she treats him much better than she treats me. He fell down the stairs a few days ago (on the way to get more vodka) and managed to give himself a concussion. I was there when it happened ut just didn't care. I know this sounds terrible, but I left him there. I'm tired of it. I told her and went to bed. (It was in the middle of the night) Now she acts like he can do no wrong even though he's STILL drinking.
I feel like I'm living in a prison. Every purchase has to be preapproved. Even getting approval doesn't necessarily mean that it will be allowed in the house. Her latest kick is to let me buy something, use it, then ban it the moment it becomes unreturnable.
Examples:
Walking - I started to take a walk with one of the dogs every evening to the local park. This helped me to relax immensely. So much so that I bought a pedometer (trying to lose weight) and a backpack for water/etc since the walks were a few miles long. Going to the park was banned the very next day.
Gardening - I wasn't allowed to dig a garden so I laid out a container garden plan. She looked it over and approved. I bought containers, dirt, mulch, etc. The moment the bags were opened and could not be returned.... she decided it was "ugly." Nothing I came up with made it good enough for her. On top of that, she wouldn't allow me to dump the dirt around some existing trees because the dogs might dig. I had to have someone come and haul away (for free) nearly $100 worth of stuff. The next day, she asked where it was as if she couldn't remember telling me to get rid of it. Then she had the nerve to dump out one of her own containers in the exact same spot she forbade me to dump in.
Reading - Reading a book is a serious offense. Just buying a book is considered wasteful. To actually sit or *gasp* lay down to read is "laziness."
Leaving the house - The driveway has a gate that runs across it to enclose the yard for the dogs. I'm not allowed to open the gate without begging for permission first. It's not granted unless I have to buy something for the house. And only if I'm willing to do all of her shopping as well (with screaming as punishment for buying something wrong). It doesn't work in reverse. If she's going somewhere, the gate has to be available for opening immediately and I'm forbidden to ask that she buy something I need while she's out... even if it's in the same store and same department.
I have no boyfriend, no friends, no other family to talk to. Nothing. I am 100% non-religious so please don't turn this into an afterlife debate. MOving out is not an option. I tried a couple months ago. They ensured that my money ran out a day before I would have moved in... and I'll never get that chance again.
I just want this to stop.

Much Luck to You Maria,,,,,Abby
Hi Abby,
It's hard to explain. The main problem stems from not being able to go anywhere. I have to park my car in the garage which is inside the fence. In order to leave, I have to open the gate to gain access to the driveway. If I don't specifically tell her I'm leaving and why though, she'll release one of the dogs as soon as the gate is open. The only choice at that point is to either leave the gate open which allows the dog to run away or close it to put the dog back in the house. Even if I put the dog back in the house, I'll only get as far as the gate again before she puts another dog out. She uses the dogs as an excuse for me not to leave. If she doesn't want me to go, she just says that the dog has to go outside. Even though it only takes me a minute to open the gate and pull out, she starts screaming that the dog will get a bladder infection if they don't go RIGHT NOW.... despite the fact that the dog may have gone out only an hour before.
With just one dog, this wouldn't be a problem. It's not just one dog. About a year ago, I found a female dog who had been abused at the school where I worked at the time. No one else was able to take her in and the local pound only has a 48 hour wait before they euthanise. So I brought her home. The vet said there was no way she could be over six months old. In this area, they won't spay until the dog is six months... which is idiotic. So, I made an appointment for her to be spayed. A week before the appointment, she went into heat. :( My father was supposed to watch her while I was working since he's retired. He didn't and she got pregnant.
I wanted to give her the "mismate" injection which would abort the pregnancy. The mother vetoed that decision. Two months later, she gave birth to eight puppies. So I now have eleven dogs (the mother, my two previous dogs, plus the puppies).
Don't get me wrong, I love all the puppies. My mother refused to get rid of any though. Which is all well and good..... if she were willing to help with the responsibility. She's not. On the day they were born, I was "informed"... "I don't care if you never sleep again. They're yours. You brought her home."
So every afternoon, I rush home during my lunch hour to take the puppies out. Even evening after work, I have to come straight home to take them out and do all the other assorted cleanup. I even had to take five weeks off work when they were born to raise them until they could be left alone.
All that, I could live with. The biggest problem is the bills. I'm a substitute secretary. Jobs are very hard to come by. The school system requires that potential employees work as a substitute until a job opens up. I've been subbing for over a year now and there's nothing. They're even closing some schools next year. The puppies take up every penny I have. Food alone costs over $100 per month. Flea control and heartworm is another $300 per month. And the yearly vet bill is about $500... just for vaccines. Add that to my existing bills, gas money to keep rushing home, and there's nothing left.
As for moving out... There's several problems. The biggest one is money. The father doesn't work which means he can and does steal money to pay for his drinking. Usually from me. If it does look like I might be saving up some money, things are mysteriously broken at poor moments.
Even if I didn't have the money problem though, just getting a place to live is a problem. Apartments won't even give me the time of day after seeing my job title. They consider subbing to be "unstable" work even though I've only missed one week involuntarily in the last year. Plus, I don't get paid in the summer.
Sandra.
I too love dogs,,,very much,,,but it is right to stay there and live that way because of them? If you call a social agency and ask for an appointment and explain 'everything' to them at least you will then find some people to take 'your' side and assist you in leaving there ( if that is what you really want to do )
My father too is an alcoholic,,,so I can understand some of how you feel regarding that,,,it is also I am sure a big influence on your mother's irratic behaviour. People who live in alcoholic homes all become sick. It almost sounds like she is afraid that you will leave her someday soon with him and is doing everything possible to prevent that. Oh PLEASE Maria,,,you sound like a good person,,,an intelligent person,,,you deserve better than this. It will be hard at first,,,but you've just got to take a big breath and get on the phone a.s.a.p. There are wonderful caring people out there who's jobs are there to help people such as yourself,,,I again have called them and was amazed at their caring. I'm glad you posted here,,,that shows you know how you are living is very wrong and that in itself is a start. Take care please,,,,Abby
Hi there,