Justifiable Suicide? (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Justifiable Suicide? (long)
5
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 8:48pm

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the board. This is going to be a long post.

I'm 25 years old and still living at home with my parents, unfortunately. They are the source of 90% of my suicidal feelings... but also the reason I can't leave. As I type this, my mother is storming through the house, screaming about how worthless I am.

I wrote my first suicide note when I was eight. My mother found it too early and spent the rest of the day telling me what a baby I was being. She still uses those words today. After that, I've learned to never write a note. No one will ever see it anyway. Even if I manage to die, she'll just throw it away so nothing can be traced back to her.

I work full-time for the local school system as a secretary. The school system is very "economically challenged." Which basically translates to dozens of parents screaming at me all day long about how it's not their "babies' fault" they're failing/fighting/etc. If there are no parents around, it's the teachers complaining that the copier doesn't work, the phone is ringing off the hook, the kids are causing problems..... blah, blah, blah. I honestly don't know how the majority of them ever got their degrees.

Which is my other problem. I'm currently working on my teaching degree through an online (accredited) university. Not for long. When I was accepted to the university, I was thrilled. My mother had been screaming for years that not having a degree was the source of my failure. I finally get accepted..... and the first words out of her mouth are, "Call them back and cancel." She didn't like that I went through something online that she couldn't visit and manipulate. Since then, she has made sure that I can't study for even five minutes interrupted. She doesn't count screaming at me in the background as an interruption. I've struggled for a year to keep going but I've already failed one final exam because I couldn't read the book in peace. I have two finals scheduled for next week and haven't managed to even touch either book. I emailed my mentor tonight about pulling out of the program. It's just a waste of money.

No matter what I do, I'm still worthless. I wear my hair long. My mother considers it ugly because, "No one has long hair." I don't wear makeup. That's also an offense. I like comfortable clothing. "No one is ever going to hire you in that." I even got screamed at today for cleaning. I spent an hour scrubbing the carpet to get some long set-in stains out. Then I did some laundry. I hadn't pre-approved this with her. She spent the next hour screaming at me for it (nothing was messed up) then complained that "no one helps me!"

As for my father... He's an alcoholic. He drinks dozens of bottles per week of beer and vodka. He falls down just trying ot walk across the room. Yet she treats him much better than she treats me. He fell down the stairs a few days ago (on the way to get more vodka) and managed to give himself a concussion. I was there when it happened ut just didn't care. I know this sounds terrible, but I left him there. I'm tired of it. I told her and went to bed. (It was in the middle of the night) Now she acts like he can do no wrong even though he's STILL drinking.

I feel like I'm living in a prison. Every purchase has to be preapproved. Even getting approval doesn't necessarily mean that it will be allowed in the house. Her latest kick is to let me buy something, use it, then ban it the moment it becomes unreturnable.

Examples:
Walking - I started to take a walk with one of the dogs every evening to the local park. This helped me to relax immensely. So much so that I bought a pedometer (trying to lose weight) and a backpack for water/etc since the walks were a few miles long. Going to the park was banned the very next day.

Gardening - I wasn't allowed to dig a garden so I laid out a container garden plan. She looked it over and approved. I bought containers, dirt, mulch, etc. The moment the bags were opened and could not be returned.... she decided it was "ugly." Nothing I came up with made it good enough for her. On top of that, she wouldn't allow me to dump the dirt around some existing trees because the dogs might dig. I had to have someone come and haul away (for free) nearly $100 worth of stuff. The next day, she asked where it was as if she couldn't remember telling me to get rid of it. Then she had the nerve to dump out one of her own containers in the exact same spot she forbade me to dump in.

Reading - Reading a book is a serious offense. Just buying a book is considered wasteful. To actually sit or *gasp* lay down to read is "laziness."

Leaving the house - The driveway has a gate that runs across it to enclose the yard for the dogs. I'm not allowed to open the gate without begging for permission first. It's not granted unless I have to buy something for the house. And only if I'm willing to do all of her shopping as well (with screaming as punishment for buying something wrong). It doesn't work in reverse. If she's going somewhere, the gate has to be available for opening immediately and I'm forbidden to ask that she buy something I need while she's out... even if it's in the same store and same department.

I have no boyfriend, no friends, no other family to talk to. Nothing. I am 100% non-religious so please don't turn this into an afterlife debate. MOving out is not an option. I tried a couple months ago. They ensured that my money ran out a day before I would have moved in... and I'll never get that chance again.

I just want this to stop.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 10:31pm
Hello Maria : Well I just finished what you wrote and I think my jaw is still hanging open. The things you say,,,how life is for you living with your parents,,,well it is just so awful sounding,,,it makes me angry to just imagine it all. I do though have to ask you,,,why is it if you have a job are you still there? How can she 'ban' you from going on walks to the park? and stop you from purchasing what you want,,,,you can't buy books to read? I'm so sorry but I just can't imagine staying in that enviroment if I had any means at all of getting myself out of it. No wonder you feel as badly as you do Maria,,,,I think anyone would be depressed living like that. I don't understand how they can ensure your money runs out so you can't leave? Please I hope I am not coming across as harsh or uncaring that is far from what I am trying to do. I just feel SO sad for you and wish there was something I could do to help you. There must be someone you can call for help Maria,,,you are not their prisoner though your mother seems to think you are. Please find help to empower yourself and get away from those two people.
Much Luck to You Maria,,,,,Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 1:02am

Hi Abby,

It's hard to explain. The main problem stems from not being able to go anywhere. I have to park my car in the garage which is inside the fence. In order to leave, I have to open the gate to gain access to the driveway. If I don't specifically tell her I'm leaving and why though, she'll release one of the dogs as soon as the gate is open. The only choice at that point is to either leave the gate open which allows the dog to run away or close it to put the dog back in the house. Even if I put the dog back in the house, I'll only get as far as the gate again before she puts another dog out. She uses the dogs as an excuse for me not to leave. If she doesn't want me to go, she just says that the dog has to go outside. Even though it only takes me a minute to open the gate and pull out, she starts screaming that the dog will get a bladder infection if they don't go RIGHT NOW.... despite the fact that the dog may have gone out only an hour before.

With just one dog, this wouldn't be a problem. It's not just one dog. About a year ago, I found a female dog who had been abused at the school where I worked at the time. No one else was able to take her in and the local pound only has a 48 hour wait before they euthanise. So I brought her home. The vet said there was no way she could be over six months old. In this area, they won't spay until the dog is six months... which is idiotic. So, I made an appointment for her to be spayed. A week before the appointment, she went into heat. :( My father was supposed to watch her while I was working since he's retired. He didn't and she got pregnant.

I wanted to give her the "mismate" injection which would abort the pregnancy. The mother vetoed that decision. Two months later, she gave birth to eight puppies. So I now have eleven dogs (the mother, my two previous dogs, plus the puppies).

Don't get me wrong, I love all the puppies. My mother refused to get rid of any though. Which is all well and good..... if she were willing to help with the responsibility. She's not. On the day they were born, I was "informed"... "I don't care if you never sleep again. They're yours. You brought her home."

So every afternoon, I rush home during my lunch hour to take the puppies out. Even evening after work, I have to come straight home to take them out and do all the other assorted cleanup. I even had to take five weeks off work when they were born to raise them until they could be left alone.

All that, I could live with. The biggest problem is the bills. I'm a substitute secretary. Jobs are very hard to come by. The school system requires that potential employees work as a substitute until a job opens up. I've been subbing for over a year now and there's nothing. They're even closing some schools next year. The puppies take up every penny I have. Food alone costs over $100 per month. Flea control and heartworm is another $300 per month. And the yearly vet bill is about $500... just for vaccines. Add that to my existing bills, gas money to keep rushing home, and there's nothing left.

As for moving out... There's several problems. The biggest one is money. The father doesn't work which means he can and does steal money to pay for his drinking. Usually from me. If it does look like I might be saving up some money, things are mysteriously broken at poor moments.

Even if I didn't have the money problem though, just getting a place to live is a problem. Apartments won't even give me the time of day after seeing my job title. They consider subbing to be "unstable" work even though I've only missed one week involuntarily in the last year. Plus, I don't get paid in the summer.

Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 8:53am
Maria, your living situation sounds very unbearable and totally abusive! I realize you feel very stuck and imprisoned BUT there has got to be a way around this. I don't know where you live but I know around here, where I live there are agency's to help in getting set up in your own living space and out of abusive situations. A women's center, mental health agency, human resources, etc. Maybe it is time to find a humane society that does not euthanize animals to have them find nice homes for your puppies. If you don't have the money to take care of them and get them all fixed, you will really be in a heap of trouble and they will just get sick from overcrowding. What exactly does your parents do to you when you go against them? Are they violent or just do alot of yelling and attempt to make things more difficult? If they aren't violent, then try to hold your ground and make some boundaries for yourself, just like you would a child. If they are violent, get out even faster! It sounds like you REALLY need to take care of yourself first and foremost before the dogs. It really sounds like you need to get some distance between you and your parents. You could get an apartment with a room mate. Maybe look for a more consistant job (anything for now). Breaking away from your parents and out of that abusive relationship may be the hardest challenge you will ever have to do, but look around for the resources to do it, I really think it can be done. Anytime you do have away from them (whether at work, or at home alone or time you can get out), do some research about what is available in any area you might be willing to live even if it means moving to another area. Maybe even asking local churches if they have anyone they could refer you to. Your parents will be upset with you, no doubt, BUT you need to do this for you. Any other family you can go to at all? Keep posting and let us know how things are going. I'd would love to be able to sit here and tell you exactly what you 'need' to do but I don't know all the circumstances and feel that it would be unfair to tell you what I think you should do. The one thing I do alot to deal with things is to ask myself, what is the best thing that could happen, what is the worst thing that could happen?, maybe you could use that when trying to figure out how to deal with your parents.
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 9:16am
Hi again Maria,,,I think Sandra had some good ideas for you. You really are in an abusive enviroment,,,and thus there is help available for you! You have to take the initiative and call someone Maria,,,otherwise it sounds like you could be living like this for years and years to come. Your parents are using you!
I too love dogs,,,very much,,,but it is right to stay there and live that way because of them? If you call a social agency and ask for an appointment and explain 'everything' to them at least you will then find some people to take 'your' side and assist you in leaving there ( if that is what you really want to do )
My father too is an alcoholic,,,so I can understand some of how you feel regarding that,,,it is also I am sure a big influence on your mother's irratic behaviour. People who live in alcoholic homes all become sick. It almost sounds like she is afraid that you will leave her someday soon with him and is doing everything possible to prevent that. Oh PLEASE Maria,,,you sound like a good person,,,an intelligent person,,,you deserve better than this. It will be hard at first,,,but you've just got to take a big breath and get on the phone a.s.a.p. There are wonderful caring people out there who's jobs are there to help people such as yourself,,,I again have called them and was amazed at their caring. I'm glad you posted here,,,that shows you know how you are living is very wrong and that in itself is a start. Take care please,,,,Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 12:30am

Hi there,


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