the 2 warring sides (triggers)

Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
the 2 warring sides (triggers)
2
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 9:35pm
I'm stuck in this war within myself and feeling a bit afraid of either one winning out, how stupid is that? The one side is the side of me that would so much like to be gone, it's the side that keeps the ongoing plans for how to do it and keeps it always in the front line of my thinking. The other side is the side that takes care of my kids and doesn't want to leave them and wants for everyone to think that I am ok. Some days the division isn't quite down the middle (well maybe alot of days aren't, just depends on which side is stronger at that moment). The fight has been more pronounced lately (the past year or so). When I stop to think about it, it does scare me that the side that wants to just end it all has a stronger hold at some times, what IF, it wins? On the other hand, I'm afraid to lose that side as well, I wouldn't know how to act if it were gone (I guess, not real sure what it is to be honest), guess I just need to know that I always have an out. I know that when I think about the side that wants to be gone, that I feel so ashamed and bad, and guilty. I feel so angry at myself for thinking that I could have kids and that it would be ok. The only way it would be ok for the kids is that I could be ok, and I'm not. Before kids, I didn't have this one side being so strong, (the side that hangs on). Sorry, just rambling.
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 10:38pm
Hi,,,I read what you wrote and I think your term of 'warring sides' is a good one. I think a lot of us who deal with this 'stuff' do exactly that,,,I know I sure do. It is like a teeter-totter for me,,,up and down,,,but thinking of it as sides and sides that are stronger than the other at different times,,,well I can really relate to that.
Anyway,,,I just wanted to acknowledge your post,,,haven't 'seen' you here in a bit,,,hoping you are doing the best you can right now,,,,please take care,,,,Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:03am

Hi Sandra,


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