New Here

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2005
New Here
2
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:50pm
Hi Everyone,
My name is Marlena. I am here because I need a place to go once in a while as I have suffered with suicidal thoughts all of my life. Strange thing is, I have no real reason to want to die at the present time. I have been in therapy and it has helped a lot! I did have an abusive childhood and abusive marriage but now in a great marriage and have moved on and up. Sooooo, why I still struggle with these thoughts now and then is just beyond me! My first serious suicidal thought was at about 11 or 12 years old. I am 43 now and still find myself just wanting to die now and then. I stop myself because of those in my life who would be so hurt by it. I don't know what causes it...it comes over me like a tidal wave and suddenly I feel numb and need to go to sleep all I can think of is how I would like to just end it all. I might stay in bed for hours fighting these feelings. Eventually I work my way out of it and go on.
Bad part is, no one who knew me would ever guess. I am sort of considered the life of the party and very vivacious I suppose...no one knows the dark, sad side of me that is hiding inside and suffers such sadness. I just avoid people when I'm feeling this way. I don't take phone calls or talk to anyone until I'm feeling better and then I make some excuse about how busy I was. I never let on that I was in bed wanting to die.
Anyhow, found this board and thought maybe I could come here when I am feeling so low and at least say how I feel.
Take care...Marlena
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: marlenashere
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 7:38am
Hello Marlena - Sorry first you have the need to come to this board,,,,but glad you did as it is a good one :o) I just wanted to say that so much you wrote I can truly relate with. Those feelings of thinking I am doing 'okay' but then all of a sudden just not. I too come across as the happy easy-going person and sometimes laugh inside when I think to myself how miserable and sad I am inside and yet no one on the 'outside' can see that. It is really only when I go to see my T that I can sit there without my fake plastic smile stuck on my face and be quiet and unhappy and not feel I have to 'perform.' Anyway I hope you are doing alright,,,,just wanted to say 'hello' and let you know your thoughts are not alone in how you are feeling. Take care please,,,,Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: marlenashere
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 10:41am

Hi Marlena and welcome to the board! I'm sorry that you aren't doing well right now but I

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