* sigh *

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
* sigh *
7
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:56pm

If your not doing well please dont read this there are triggers in here and I dont want to trigger anyone.

not doing well, sorry cant get into wat is going on I dont even know that but just wanted to let ya all know tht I am still alive but not doing well and I am really leaning towards hurting myself very very badly. I have already cut. I hate myself and who I am cant continue to do this anymore. Tomorow is the D day, when I say that I get scared but I know thta it is the best thing to do for everyone around me, my kids say I am mean and when im not mean I just sit around well they will be better off w/o me.no one will find me, no one will care.

mary




Edited 5/23/2005 8:14 pm ET ET by black_ice22
Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: black_ice22
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 9:14pm

Hi Mary,


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Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
In reply to: black_ice22
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 10:10pm
I know the one thing that I can NOT reconcile with is the idea that if I kill myself I will NEVER see my kids again, that just seems to be such a long time and so much I'd miss out on. I just can't bear the thought of never seeing or holding or loving or talking to them again. Sometimes when they say they wish I were dead and that they hate me, I feel like, fine, I can take care of that but I have asked them if they want me to and they quickly say no. Kids express themselves the best way they can, sometimes they don't always know how to say what they feel or even what it is that they feel. Having my own mom being dead and having to deal with never seeing her again, is what really keeps the never seeing my kids again in perspective. They would never get to hear that I love them one more time or that I think they are the most special people on this earth and that they are the best people I know, etc. I get upset sometimes that others don't see my kids as special as I do, so I know that they aren't going to let them know how special I think they are. I hope that thru the night, that things feel a bit brighter and that you change your mind! I'm not sure what you are missing in your life that makes you feel quite so hopeless or what would be the answer to making life more bearable (I'm still trying to figure that one out), but I hope that you are able to find a little bit of enjoyment even if it is just for a little while! Take care!
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: black_ice22
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 7:26am
Oh Mary I am so sorry to hear you are struggling again. Please there is no "D" day when you are talking about your very existence! Your kids say you are mean because that is what kids do sometimes,,,,mine do the same to me.
A couple of weeks ago I said in front of my young son I wished I was dead. It was very wrong of me to say that but at the time I wasn't thinking. He looked at me for a moment and then said,,," I wish I was dead too." A couple of weeks later he said to me again that he wished he was dead,,,just out of the blue. My son is only 9,,,it was a scary thing hearing words like that come from his beautiful young face. Just maybe something to think about,,,heaven knows it has made me think.
,,,,,Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: black_ice22
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:46am
well my plans have changed for 2 reasons one I did something to my ankle yesterday and I cant walk on it so that makes it real hard to get away from the house and do it and another reason is wat you said Lori you made me think and I felt a bit closer to God, even tho I did cut I think it is beter then killing myself so if I have to do cut then I will. My Granny wouldn't be happy if she knew. I think a lot of my severe depression is due to my grief of my granny.
I never want my kids to think they are the cause of my death.
TY Lori
Mary
Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: black_ice22
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:53am

like I posted to Lori a bit ago is my hurt my ankle and cant walk on it and I think God has helped me through the night I am still depressed but to the point of killing myself. I love God he is so giving and he is so forgiving that I am very happy he gave me my 4 precious gifts and he has saved my life more then once, how can I hurt him and never be with him ya know.

hugs to you and thank you
mary

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: black_ice22
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 9:43am

TY I am doing a bti better today and if I were going to go through with it I wouldnt beable to b/c I hurt my ankle but I am not I hope the struggle will get better in time I just have to make sure three is always going to be time to get better.

hugs to you Mary

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: black_ice22
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 6:53pm

Hey Mary,


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