Struggling like crazy...trigs...help...
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| Sat, 05-28-2005 - 10:51pm |
Hi, guess I didn't post about it here, but I actually had a few days recently of feeling truly happy, for the first time in probably years...thought the ECT might have done the trick. But it didn't last, and I think I'm losing it now, feeling really desperate...there's so much I want to say, but I'll try to include only the basics...the essence is that I think I really need help.
OK, in my day or two of feeling good, I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to continue in med school...maybe go to vet school instead. I even told my parents, and they were OK with it...I wasn't 100% sure, though. I also took another final exam and had a lot of trouble (I'd already failed one...before the ECT I'd never done poorly in my life)...so that was upsetting too...don't know if I failed or not yet, though.
Confused enough already?! Well, during my "happy days" I couldn't sleep much (maybe 3 hours a night!)...but finally I crashed last night and slept about 12 hours straight...woke up and hardly knew what day it was! (I'd been suspicious that maybe I had undiagnosed bipolar...but I asked my pdoc about trying a mood stabilizer, and she disagreed). Then my mood was so up and down that I felt completely confused.
All day today, I was stuffing my face with food (mostly junk)...up until now, I was rarely hungry...recently I've been ravenous! And totally confused about what I felt... don't even know where to begin. Well, today I got so desperate and lost-feeling that I did something I shouldn't have...took a dose of lithium that I had left over from when my pdoc prescribed it for depression. I think it did help some, but of course I can't keep doing that. (But then later today I took a sleeping pill too to try to escape...it didn't last long, either! I know I can't self-medicate like this, though!).
I am trying, trying, trying to keep my head above water. I even just forced myself to exercise in the hopes that it would help. I keep telling myself that these thoughts are just a product of my mind, of the chemistry up there...but still, I can't get rid of them...as bizarre as it is to go from overflowing with joy to feeling like life is unbearable within the span of days, and for no apparent reason!
A friend even called, but I haven't called him back because I don't think I'll be able to act even reasonably "normal"...and I can't even explain why I feel this way. In an ideal world, I might take myself back to the hospital and beg them to "fix" me somehow, or at least keep me safe. But I feel very strongly that I can't do that...disappoint my parents, my doctors who did ECT and watched me improve, my professors and friends who would see me as a lost cause. Then again, I think my profs may reach that conclusion anyway, since my once-sharp memory seems to be gone still and I can't manage to learn even the basics for my test on Tuesday. Used to be that my mind was one of the only things I could be proud of!
I know this whole post must sound deranged (if anyone has even made it this far, lol!). But these past few days, I really have felt more "out of my mind" than ever before in my life...I'm scared that the ECT somehow did some major damage...never before have I felt so disoriented and also so disturbingly up-and-down in my mood.
I am telling myself that I'm not allowed to act on this desperation (since once again I'm feeling kind of suicidal)...that I just need to "ride it out" and it will pass. The timing is pretty odd, too...I'm flying down to visit my parents this Wednesday (they're having a family reunion too)...so I know I'd better hang in there, and out of the hospital, until then...although I can't imagine what I'll do if I still feel this way and have to face my parents.
OK, whew...I think I've let it all out, at least the main parts! This was more a vent than anything, I think...I honestly don't expect anyone to have made it through all this, lol! But if anyone has any advice or anything, you can probably imagine how much I could use it...I have never known my brain to seem so unreliable and unpredictable...wow, I think I seriously need help! Thanks from the bottom of my heart if you've read any of this,
Rose
Edit: OK, I just took another one of those fast-acting, short-lasting sleeping pills...so with any luck I will be peacefully dreaming within an hour or so...no worries!
Edited 5/29/2005 12:01 am ET ET by rosa444

I read it all, Rose. It was surprisingly easy to get through as you're very
Hi Rose,
Sandra.
Edit: triggers below in post...
Thanks so much to ALL of you...I've already read your posts through several times and am working on getting the energy to reply to each one individually (why is it that I can ramble on and on sometimes, but then feel kinda mute when I want to thank you all?!). I wish I could fully express how much I appreciate it.
I have vowed to stop self-medicating (haven't done it since...although I guess the massive quantities of junk food I've been ingesting might count as self-medication, haha...normally people say I eat "like a bird"!). Sandra, I think you could very well be right about the effect these major decisions have had on me...I'm still up in the air about what I want to do, but I've decided to give myself a little time, like you said.
(I'm also starting to feel a little trapped by my parents' enthusiasm for my idea of a career change...I would have to move across the country, to their state, to go to school...and as much as I love them, I don't think I'm ready to have them right "next door" again!).
And...oops, I need to mention that this is likely triggering...I've taken a similar stance toward the biggest decision of all, that I will put it off until I feel more stable. My mind, my emotions, everything, seem to be telling me I should end my life... I'm holding off on acting on it, though, since I realize I was feeling so great just a few days ago (plus my usual reason, to avoid hurting my parents).
Sorry to be so open about that...but where else can you talk about things like this?! I know I need to stop with my food-medicating (I'm feeling worse about myself because of my quickly expanding waistline!), and also this new habit I've started...yikes, triggers once again...
So once again I know this is wrong or bad or...well, to blurt it out, I've started taking risks, hardly thinking about it...just silly things like crossing the street in front of an oncoming car when the traffic light is broken (I did give myself enough room to make it all right)...not too much else...but I realized I was thinking that, if it looked like an accident, my parents wouldn't be quite as upset, and I would have an "easy out"...how sick is that?!
I'm ashamed and kinda shocked at what I've become...I guess I can't blame this on the ECT either, much as I'd like to...I think my biggest problem is just being unable to find any meaning in my life...I used to be very religious, years ago, but don't believe any of it anymore...so it all just seems like a joke or...well, I guess I've said enough...sorry...
Thanks again so much for your thoughtful, caring posts to me...I hope someday I'll be able to reciprocate. And once again, I've turned this into a long vent...so thanks for letting me get this all off my chest...I don't know where else to turn.
Rose
Edit: Hmm, I woke up from a dream last night about my father's (very harsh) treatment of me for most of my life...guess that could be why I cringe at the thought of moving back near to him...he already gave me enough "issues" to last a lifetime!
Edited 5/30/2005 9:13 am ET ET by rosa444
Hi Rose,