feeling alone and hopeless...
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| Sun, 05-29-2005 - 7:01pm |
another sad day? what a suprise!
i guess i'll give everyone my story and see what there is to say.
i've taken paxil for about 3 years for depression, general anxiety, blah, blah, blah. same 'ole drill. about two weeks ago i went to my PCP to have my antidepressant changed because i wasn't feeling like the paxil worked anymore... i had been having suicidal thoughts for about four weeks and, more recently, thought about how i'd "do it" (mostly taking pills, i decided). he gives me all of this zoloft to take. great. a new bandaid.
i've been taking it for about two weeks to no ado. yes, i know ssri's take about 40 days to start working, but, i can't take this for much longer.
so, i called my friend on wednesday (after my last final, of course) to see what she thought i should do (she's in az, myself in socal). she said that if she knew the crisis number for socal, she'd call it for me. but, instead, she came out to socal and got me. she, her sister and husband were my angels. i don't know what i would have ended up doing that night.
on friday night my friend and her sister took me to an area ER because i was totally struggling. all i want is to have my meds strightened out. 14 hours later a social worker comes into my room with the news that they really can't do anything for me because they don't have a psychiatrist at their hospital. f-that. i was so angry... all of that time, energy, my friends' time and energy for nothing. oh, and to top it off, my discharge papers said my medical condition had been "accidental overdose". i'm guessing they came to that conclusion because i told them i had been told to take 50mg daily but that i had decided that i'd rather take 100mg (he didn't really know what was going on inside my head, obviously). but, accidental? please. the extra zoloft slipped into my mouth every night for two weeks. yeah, accident. oops.
so, we came home, empty-handed, me still a mess of emotion.
last night i was laying in my room here (unable to sleep, of course) contemplating taking the remaining amount of zoloft i had brought with me (about 20-30 tablets). but, after some thinking, i decided that i didn't want to ruin their memorial day barbeque they'd be having .
i wanted to take the pills but 1.) the barbeque, of course 2.) i wasn't sure if they'd do anything 3.) i wasn't sure what they'd do. a oxymoron cry for help, if you will.
is this what it's always going to be like? is it ever going to get better than this? would ending it all do the trick?
here i am, still posting...

Welcome. I am sorry you are having such a rough time. I know how you feel about hospitals. If you feel like it and aren't triggered by it, you should check out my post on my incident
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-bhsuicidesur&msg=3596.1&ctx=0
Please hang in there and know that ending it will not solve anything. You want things to be better, not over. They can be. It takes time and work and we'll be here to support you the whole way.
Amanda
Hello & welcome! I am sorry to hear about how you're feeling. That must be very rough. I hope you can take comfort in the fact, that there are others just like you. You are not alone. We have all been in your place & for now, remain works in progress. Depression certainly has emotional components, but it is recognized as a chemical imbalance. That poses the problems of bad days & setbacks. Even meds seem to stop working & need to be tweaked. I can well understand the feeling of frustration waiting for the zoloft to kick in.
Have you had any extra stress in your life? Any losses or sadness that brought this on? I can understand that school & finals brings on alot of pressures. Have you explored other outlets, such as counseling? That can be difficult to bare your soul to another, but it can bring some relief & gives you a chance to learn new ways to cope.
I am mystified by your treatment in the hospital. I am in PA & every ER has a sign stating that according to the hospital's ability, you will be given treatment to stabilize, then sent to a facility able to deal with your specific condition. Please hang in there. All hospitals are not like that. It does seem that we are getting alot of reports of this sort. Try not to let it cloud your judgement if you need help in the future.
I thank God that you are hanging in there! I am glad you have kind & caring friends to support you. As for taking your life, it is never a solution. Temporarily you have lost your purpose in life. You can get it back. You can feel better & get that nursing degree. Please seek help if the thoughts to end your life are overwhelming. TBH, pills are not the way to go. Noone is sure how many it actually takes & you put yourself @ risk of living a *so called life* in another dimension.
Post again. Keep us updated. As Amanda said, we'll give you the support you need to get over the rough spots. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
Hi Jessaellen and welcome to the board--though i wish no one needed such a board I think it IS a good, supportive place and that people feel cared about here. I hope you'll find that also!
please dont do anything drastic ;-( I know of these feelings and they just plain suck and when you try so many things and it still sucks, you just want to end that pain. Believe me, it's not worth it. Your a smart girl and theres a bunch of people that love you and want you in their life just as you want them in yours ;-) Go to the bbq, volunteer with something you like, animals, children, eldery, that always cheers me up, do you or can you have pets? do you excercise? do you see a councelor to talk to and get your meds straight? You can always talk to me. I'm here and I care
hugs
Lisa
Hi Lisa,
Just wanted to welcome you to the board and THANK YOU for offering your support to jessaellen! Please feel free to post anytime you want/need to okay? Hugs, Lori
Taking pills is what I did....it was a big bottle of Zanax...
Lucky a nieghbor found me.
I almost died in the ER...and I was alseep for 3 days.
Then of coarse I was put in the psyc.ward.........I stayed there 17 days.
It's not worth the pain I put my parents and my husband threw all that.
Although,
Give yourself a bit of slack, if the hospital didnt do anything you go to another hospital and you keep going until you get the help you need, or just tell them that they are going to have to give you a name and number. There is always hope. You have to will to live b/c you are here asking for advice.
hugs to ya kiddo
Mary
lisa -
thank you for your kind words. i actually ended up checking into an in-patent program at a local hospital. let me tell you, that was very scary.
they changed my meds and, finally, i was diagnosed with severe depression (what i knew all along).
i'm back at my friends' house in az, going back to cali tomorrow... i'm feeling so much better and, of course, very happy to still be "here".
thank you for your reply... i hope you are feeling just as well as i am right now.
-jessaellen