Feeling hopeless...major trigs
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| Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:17pm |
Hi you all, hope you are doing OK. I know everyone must be sick of my whining, so I'll try to make this post focused on questions about what I can do to change instead. This morning I'm pretty sure I hurt my mom's feelings badly, and she's been out of touch since...and since she's the main person I stick around for, that makes everything hard. I'm wondering, is it possible to resent someone you love for "forcing" you to stay alive (not literally, but I don't want to hurt her that badly)? I don't know if that even makes sense.
Does anyone else do just "the basics" of living...I mean, staying alive, but not doing anything you're not required to? There are all these volunteer activities going on here, but I never contribute...and I even dread my phone ringing (I often don't answer it and pretend to be out just because I don't feel like talking). This is just a very sad life.
And I know I've been like this for a long time, and I can't see it changing. I saw my psychiatrist today, and after I tried to explain my difficulties, she told me "you look good to me, so we're not going to change anything." I then told her about my intentional close calls (mainly involving traffic), and she said, "well, what do you expect me to do with that information?". She did tell me to contact a therapist, which I will do.
I don't even know what to say anymore...my life just feels so hollow. I just took a sleeping pill to try to escape, but even that didn't work for long. I'm supposed to study for make-up exams, but I can't get myself to care enough to do it. I often feel very irritated at everyone for no particular reason and even told my mom to "leave me alone"...but then I feel hopeless and desperate when I am alone.
I honestly feel like I may become a statistic...that my family and the few friends who know me wouldn't even be too surprised. They could probably see it coming for years now...already, when my mom hears that I've had a disappointment, I know it will be only a matter of minutes before she calls me to make sure I'm still OK (probably just alive). I know it's great that she cares so much...I wish she didn't so I could throw in the towel with no major regrets. I feel like I have a life "in name only," if that makes any sense.
I apologize for this entire post...and no, I'm not in any immediate danger. Just on the verge of giving up, if I haven't already.
Sorry again...and I should mention that I did have a few days of high energy and hyperness and happiness a while back (my one friend said he loved seeing me like that!). I have no idea where those came from, and I can't imagine ever having felt that way...but I know logically I should try to remind myself of that. Kind of wish I could try a mood stabilizer to see if maybe that's the problem...but my pdoc doesn't think so.
Thanks again so much for listening,
Rose
Edit: Oops, haha, I can't even manage to write a non-whiny post as I said I was going to...sorry! My main question, which may not be answerable, is of course, what should/can I do? Is there anything I can tell myself to help convince myself that life is worth living? (when even my body feels like it's rebelling...my old muscle pain seems to be back too)
Edited 6/2/2005 10:20 pm ET ET by rosa444

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((((((Rose))))))
I am so sorry to see you struggle so much. I can relate though. Your words jumped off the screen at me! Hollow existence, just alive not living. Not doing or wanting to do anything. Pdoc and tdoc do the same thing with me telling me I look okay, better whatever.
Nothing seems to go anywhere, get resolved or move ahead.
It doesn't have to be that way though. And you are worth so much more.
Maybe you should take in some of the things you write to the pdoc. I know that I have a hard time expressing myself with mine. It makes things easier for me than having to say the words and less to forget. She needs to see that things aren't okay and that something DOES have to change! If not you may want to see someone else!
Well I'm still scrambled so that's the best I can muster today, but you have been one of the important friends I've made here so I needed to let you know that my thoughts are with you.
Love and positive energy,
Amanda
Wow, thank you Amanda, that was so sweet of you...I really appreciate it. I will think about bringing my pdoc something I've written...although she seems like such a no-nonsense, traditional kind of person that I'm a little worried she might not take it seriously...if I were able to get another doctor, I might do it, but I can't.
Thanks again...you are also one of my most important "online" friends...and I can often identify with what you post as well. I'm hoping you're doing OK too...I may check in at the "Self Injury" board, if that's OK, about my own issues...I think I remember that you've posted there before too.
Positive thoughts back to you,
Rose
Hi Rose,
Schitz suggested the idea of writing 'stuff' to give to your T and I wanted to tell you that lately that is what I have been doing. I so often forget things when I go in there and when I do try to explain myself it just never comes out the way I intended. I have just found that being able to put it down,,,,erase,,,,,edit and then present it as I wanted it to be understood has helped. My T was the one who suggested I try writing and she said she has learned a lot from my written words that my vocal ones didn't portray. You mentioned your doctor is 'no-nonsense and traditional' and you were worried she wouldn't take it seriously,,,,well maybe you could try and see what her perception is. If not as she suggested maybe look for a T who is not so much like she is. I don't know,,,just trying to help. I have a wonderful T who is warm and caring and I don't think I would still be with her if she was too 'clinical' with me all of the time.
Anyway,,,,sorry for saying too much,,,,hoping tomorrow will be better for you.
,,,,,Abby
((((Rose)))) How's things going? I see you had some thoughtful replies to your post. I was wondering if you had come up with some ideas of how to deal with these hopeless feelings?
Noone's sick of you & I don't consider what you share as *whining.* They are clearly your feelings & valid ones @ that. I am sorry that you don't find meaning & a purpose in your life. The business about not answering the phone triggered my thoughts of when I was depressed. I did the very same thing. I remember that I began to force myself to take calls. That human connection did give me a boost. I even forced myself to talk & concentrate on what was being said. Though it was temporary, I was able to refocus my thoughts off myself & all the negative thinking. It got me back into the business of living for a short time. It's these small steps we have to take to regain our former lives. Keep in touch & let us know how you're feeling. Sending P&PT's your way. (((hugs))) jan
Lori, thanks so much...your words made a lot of sense and did help me see that hope may still be out there. I've been trying to take them to heart...I went for a jog in the park yesterday, and today I forced myself to follow through with my promise to come help a friend cook dinner.
Just little things, I know...but at least for a short time, I did feel somewhat better...although I still need to work on being "in the moment," since those dark thoughts did still pop up. But as you said, that may be the way to go, at least while hoping that the depression will someday pass altogether (because even though I can hardly imagine it now, I do know that in the past, I have gone from this kind of depression to real happiness in a very short time...I just wish I knew why exactly!).
Thanks also for helping me understand where my parents are coming from...I know you're right that I'm very lucky to have them, and I really can't blame them for their feelings. You put into words what I've been feeling, too...I wish you'd never felt this way, but I do really appreciate your help with understanding it.
Rose
Thank you, Abby...you didn't say too much at all...I really appreciate the suggestions. I think I'll try that at my next appointment, at least ask her if she'd be open to the idea of writing things down. She is "just" a doctor, though, and not a therapist...and I think she wants me to start seeing a therapist instead (she referred me to one, but he hasn't returned my call yet).
Thanks so much...I hope you're doing well too,
Rose
Thanks so much, Jan...I'm sorry it's taken me a while to respond to the posts here. Part of it was because I wasn't quite sure how I was feeling...which I guess is a good thing, compared to how sure I was recently that I was feeling awful! I have been trying to focus more on the moment, as you and Lori suggested...and it has helped, although I know I still need practice, because that dark undercurrent of sadness never goes away.
I did spend the evening with a friend, helping him cook and then having dinner...and I put a lot of effort into focusing on what he was saying...which probably helped the conversation as well, since normally I'm so distracted by my own thoughts that I can lose track of everything else.
I liked what you said about getting back "into the business of living." I'm going to start answering the phone at least, and maybe even returning calls...I'm not sure why that's so hard, really, but it is. Partly I don't want to have the call lead to something else, like actually getting together with a friend and doing something...but I know that probably goes along with "the business of living" as well!
Many thanks to you for all the support and help...it is greatly appreciated,
Rose
Hey Rose,
Edit: I'm embarrassed for even posting this message...it's now the next morning, and I'm going to work on maybe getting better sleep and cutting out caffeine, and maybe my anxiety will decrease a little...
***Triggers below...also, just rambling that no one has to read...
Thanks again, Lori...I know no one needs yet another update from me, but I guess it's cathartic sometimes just to record my feelings (so no one *has* to read this, OK!).
I was feeling pretty bad this afternoon and "took out" that energy on the treadmill...got a lot of exercise! But still I was sobbing in the shower afterwards...couldn't stop thinking about how I might somehow "explain" or justify suicide to my parents...awful, I know...
I did meet up with friends for dinner...I had to fight tears for a while, but later I did manage to act upbeat and got a bit distracted from my bad thoughts.
What got me upset this time...I'd had some free time and was searching online for techniques to deal with my social anxiety. Somehow I ran across info on Avoidant Personality Disorder and realized that it fit me to a "T." I know I can't self-diagnose...but every detail I read explained so much of my difficulty in life.
I also read that meds and ECT generally don't help the depression and anxiety that go along with this personality disorder. Of course that made me think of my own situation...and made me feel very hopeless.
Even about the near future...I start a summer job in 2 days...and just the thought of it makes me panic. The full days of social interaction...even the fact that it will be 8-hour days...I think I'm literally so lazy that I can't imagine making it through.
And of course every thought of my planned career is even more frightening. I think maybe I would have succeeded at it, had I not been raised in my father's house and lost all my self-confidence...although I know it's not fair to blame it all on him. But now I feel I'd have to take *some* action, or make some huge, near-impossible change, before I could ever manage it.
So all this of course has had me consumed with thoughts of escape. I'm not sure if I'm unusual in this, but I've realized I can think of nothing else I particularly want to accomplish, or do or see, in this lifetime. My mom recently told me I should "follow my heart" in making a career choice...I only told her I don't know what my heart wants...but honestly, my heart doesn't really want anything but to be left alone in peace, not to wake up each morning exhausted, to drag through another day.
OK, I've more than exceeded my limit for melodramatic, depressing rambling for the night! Sorry...thanks for letting me get all this out...no one needs to respond unless you'd really want to.
I actually started getting pretty serious about a "plan" to end things earlier today...and I realized it doesn't make sense to seek help or try to go to the hospital if that's really my goal. So I've been feeling pretty alone...really wanting to reach out for any last bit of hope or help, but realizing that if I did (which would be hard anyway since I don't have a therapist), I'd just get put back in the hospital and start the cycle all over again...so you all are a great source of support.
OK, going to try to watch silly TV and get distracted from all this...sorry again,
Rose
Edited 6/5/2005 11:19 pm ET ET by rosa444
Edited 6/6/2005 10:26 am ET ET by rosa444
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