Feeling hopeless...major trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Feeling hopeless...major trigs
14
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:17pm

Hi you all, hope you are doing OK. I know everyone must be sick of my whining, so I'll try to make this post focused on questions about what I can do to change instead. This morning I'm pretty sure I hurt my mom's feelings badly, and she's been out of touch since...and since she's the main person I stick around for, that makes everything hard. I'm wondering, is it possible to resent someone you love for "forcing" you to stay alive (not literally, but I don't want to hurt her that badly)? I don't know if that even makes sense.

Does anyone else do just "the basics" of living...I mean, staying alive, but not doing anything you're not required to? There are all these volunteer activities going on here, but I never contribute...and I even dread my phone ringing (I often don't answer it and pretend to be out just because I don't feel like talking). This is just a very sad life.

And I know I've been like this for a long time, and I can't see it changing. I saw my psychiatrist today, and after I tried to explain my difficulties, she told me "you look good to me, so we're not going to change anything." I then told her about my intentional close calls (mainly involving traffic), and she said, "well, what do you expect me to do with that information?". She did tell me to contact a therapist, which I will do.

I don't even know what to say anymore...my life just feels so hollow. I just took a sleeping pill to try to escape, but even that didn't work for long. I'm supposed to study for make-up exams, but I can't get myself to care enough to do it. I often feel very irritated at everyone for no particular reason and even told my mom to "leave me alone"...but then I feel hopeless and desperate when I am alone.

I honestly feel like I may become a statistic...that my family and the few friends who know me wouldn't even be too surprised. They could probably see it coming for years now...already, when my mom hears that I've had a disappointment, I know it will be only a matter of minutes before she calls me to make sure I'm still OK (probably just alive). I know it's great that she cares so much...I wish she didn't so I could throw in the towel with no major regrets. I feel like I have a life "in name only," if that makes any sense.

I apologize for this entire post...and no, I'm not in any immediate danger. Just on the verge of giving up, if I haven't already.

Sorry again...and I should mention that I did have a few days of high energy and hyperness and happiness a while back (my one friend said he loved seeing me like that!). I have no idea where those came from, and I can't imagine ever having felt that way...but I know logically I should try to remind myself of that. Kind of wish I could try a mood stabilizer to see if maybe that's the problem...but my pdoc doesn't think so.

Thanks again so much for listening,

Rose

Edit: Oops, haha, I can't even manage to write a non-whiny post as I said I was going to...sorry! My main question, which may not be answerable, is of course, what should/can I do? Is there anything I can tell myself to help convince myself that life is worth living? (when even my body feels like it's rebelling...my old muscle pain seems to be back too)




Edited 6/2/2005 10:20 pm ET ET by rosa444

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 11:25am

Hi Rosa,


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Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 2:52pm

(((((Rose)))))

Don't feel embarassed or hesitant about posting. That's what we're here for. I love to hear from you.

I know that it feels hopeless to find that ECT and meds don't help personality disorders (It's true - i'm bipolar and borderline personality, although i think you might know that already?). It is true that meds and ECT don't work, but it is also true that counselling can help it. It takes a lot of "training" ourselves to work on these things but it can be done. So take hope there are things you can do.

I completely understand what you are saying about work and careers. I'm there too. I hope you can find something that does work for you. Shorter hours, less personal interaction, whatever. I wish I didn't have to deal with customers (or coworkers for that matter)!

Hang in there. Please be good to yourself. Stay safe. I hope that you will reach out for help - with us, the therapist/hospital, whatever and not let yourself "seriously" plan for the end.

I am very proud of all the work you are doing btw. You are an inspiration to us all.

Love and hugs,
Amanda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 3:13pm

I havn't been coming here long enough to know you.
My name is CJ. Or Stephanie whichever.

Going by the posts that have been written to you there are
lots of people that love you here at this board and your parents.

I am finding out that posting what you really feel makes me feel better.
I hope it does you too.

I don't have any magic words to help....but I do agree that self diagnosis
can just make you feel worse.

Glad to meet you!

CJ~
http://crackurjax.tripod.com/crackurjaxsplace



Hugggzzzzz!
CJ~


Crackurjaxsplace


HUGGZZZZZ CJ~ http://crackurjax.tripod.com/crackurjaxsplace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 4:35pm

I'm not even going to look up this disorder, Rose. I admire your courage in doing so, but as you know, I have anxiety. If I read up on it, my hypochondria would set in & I'd be newly diagnosed, right along with you:) In the past, I was a pro @ new diagnoses off the 'net. It took a ton of bricks, but the lesson was learned.


I think the worst thing about reading this, is that you are putting the square peg into the round hole. You feel as if the meds & ECT haven't worked for you, so here's a real illness that meds & ECT don't work for. I see some positive effects in your post. You are exercising. You are having meals with others. You have control over the suicidal thoughts. You even managed to find some distraction through the tv. Give yourself a pat on the back. What an effort! Now you need to accept these positives & strive for more. There were times in my battle with depression, that I could not get off the couch. Our old tv didn't have a remote & the same channel played day & night, as I didn't have the wherewithall to get up & change it. It did get changed, finally. When I just got sick & tired of being sick & tired! Good luck to you. I am hopeful that you will feel better soon. (((hugs))) jan



 

 


 



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