No motivation, bad urges...trigs

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Registered: 03-27-2003
No motivation, bad urges...trigs
10
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 11:04pm

Hi...I want to thank you all for being such a great source of support...really my only one at times...I'm so grateful for that. I was feeling OK for a day or so, but now it's back to sobbing, once again over career issues and lack of motivation to do anything. I guess I'll have to quit med school because I can't seem to get myself to care enough about it...but then again, I don't think I can care about anything else either.

And the suicidal thoughts have been such a constant presence in my life for so long that I think most everyone has given up on me. My former therapist "dumped" me because she said she didn't think she was helping...and of the other 2 therapists on my insurance, one isn't accepting new patients, and the other is too far away for me to make it in time.

I do still have a psychiatrist...scheduled to see her in a few weeks...but she told me last time that I "look better" so she wasn't going to make any changes in my meds. But (if she keeps my diagnosis as depression and not bipolar), there's hardly anything left to try anyway. Sorry if I've said this all before...my memory still isn't all there.

A post on the Depression Support board got me thinking...I think I've had suicidal thoughts, in some form or another, since I was very young...a kid, really. And they got stronger and more frequent through the years, largely because of interactions with my dad. I have an identical twin who has none of these mental problems...and I've always wondered if it's because my dad treated her differently.

Sorry if this is a little fuzzy...I took a very small dose of Ambien a while ago...hoping it will help me get to sleep before I give in to the urge to take the whole bottle. Anyway, I guess my point was that these thoughts have been here so long that I think they're now ingrained into my personality. Basically, I generally don't want to live.

As the Ambien starts working...I can acknowledge that I do find med school interesting at times and take at least some enjoyment from learning the material. But I don't know that I'm actually motivated to become a doctor...at least not "driven" to be the best like a friend of mine is. I do like my summer job so far, though...working on a project about kids with social problems...gave me a little mood boost on Friday.

Wow, that Ambien does have interesting effects! Calming, etc. Wish I'd taken that earlier instead of binging on cereal out of anxiety and depression...ugh.

But I guess I should get to bed...I'm confusing myself, and I'm sure I've made this post a bit confusing too. The odd thing is, just yesterday, my previous irritation gave way to happiness, and I was very energetic...had to drag myself off the treadmill after an hour on it...almost crying from joy, too! How bizarre...now I'm just doing my best to stay away from the medicine cabinet and possible overdoses...how nice it would be, though...one of my youngest memories is praying for an "escape" if things got too bad... I guess I was more hoping I'd lose consciousness naturally...but this seems to fit too.

OK, now this has turned into medication-induced rambling...sorry...thanks as always. You all have kept me going, and have gotten me up and going too, so many times...I wish I could express my appreciation. You all deserve some special award!

Thanks again,

Rose

Avatar for markshay
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Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 8:14am
Rose, just have a minute before I have to get the kids up and ready for vacation bible school, but just wanted to suggest maybe reading Dr. Phil's book self matters or life strategies. I know alot of people are not Dr. Phil fans and there is some stuff that I wonder about myself but a couple of his books that I have read are really good (ask alot of great questions and have quite a bit of little quizzes in them to get a person to think more than him just telling you how to go about doing things). Anyways, just a thought.
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 3:15pm




I was just going to say that I hope your thoughts change to something else.


I kn ow what it's like to have suicidal thought.


I love knives..I have visualized cutting myself up.


Well and cutting other people up as well being that I am SZ.


Thats why I live in the group home.


Anyway...get some rest and I hope you get to feeling better


Take care of you!


CJ~


http://crackurjax.tripod.com/crackurjaxsplace


HUGGZZZZZ CJ~ http://crackurjax.tripod.com/crackurjaxsplace
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Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 5:22pm

Hi Rose,


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Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 2:10am

TRIGGERS


You deserve the award, Rose, for keeping on. I know these thoughts of suicide are powerful. I was wondering if the dr. or *T* ever mentioned your's were related to anxiety? When my depression was bad, it was relieved by the meds. However, the thoughts of suicide continued & were overwhelming. I remember looking @ the beams in the church ceiling & wondering how to get up there & if they were functional or decorative. Mostly I was wondering if they'd support my weight? I spent hours on planning & plotting. That business about you staying away from the meds got me thinking. I literally locked myself out of the house one night & spent my time on the steps to keep safe. That doesn't seem too reasonable considering I could've used the key to unlock the door. But anxiety makes one think irrationally. My symptoms certainly went along with my OCD. My pdoc called them intrusive thoughts, BTW. It changed my meds & dosages.


I, too, hope you're feeling better tonight & that you'll check in. We care about you & want you to keep safe. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan



 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 5:41pm

Thanks, Sandra...I will look into those books. I appreciate your posting to me even when you're so busy...hope your family's summer is going well.

Rose

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 5:44pm

Thanks very much, CJ...I appreciate it. I've been keeping busy at work, so that has helped with the thoughts...I'm not sure if I'm just avoiding them, though...they do tend to come back with a vengeance on the weekends!

I hope you are doing well with controlling your thoughts too...I know how hard it is. It's good to have people here who can understand that...so thanks,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 6:04pm

Note: Triggers towards the end of this post...sorry about that!
--------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks very much, Lori...I think you hit the nail on the head with the idea of needing to stay busy to feel better. I hadn't really thought about it, but that does seem to be a very common pattern for me...I guess my brain isn't big enough to handle those bad thoughts on top of all the details of a job or assignment! Just kidding, kind of.

I guess even now I'm in a better mood after just getting out of work, even though the work itself is pretty repetitive. Having to act "normal," as you say, also may be helping me feel a little more normal...but exactly like you, I have had times when my "act" broke down and I completely lost it...even recently, when I was hospitalized.

I think I may be running from my emotions, though...not quite sure...but that could explain why things get so bad when I have a little free time. Thanks for suggesting a leave of absence...my mom suggested it last week too. I think it would be possible, though very complicated...but for some reason, my "gut" really doesn't want to do it.

I guess because, as much as I struggle and hate life in general, school is a distraction from those thoughts, and even an interesting one at times. I'm not qualified for much in terms of jobs, and the thought of spending months or years at a menial job while wondering what's happening in school makes me feel awful.

But still, if my motivation is so low that I can't even manage to study, and I'm so anxious and unmotivated that I avoid any chances to practice "doctoring" with real patients...there's really no point in staying in school, especially if I'm going to fail out. So I just don't know...

Unfortunately, the truth is that I think I've already given up on life. Nothing seems to matter to me anymore...I'm just hanging in there for my parents and waiting for the end. And I can't imagine anyone being able to help pull me back "into life"...I don't even have a therapist now because the last one felt like she wasn't helping and stopped. But oddly enough, right now I don't even feel bad or upset about that...just don't care.

Sorry for such a long post as always...you must have the patience of a saint for putting up with me here. Thank you very much for all the support and help...

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 6:26pm

Thanks so much, Jan...I am doing better now with controlling the thoughts. It's been such a great help to have you all here for support and advice...I really appreciate it...I know my posts about my thoughts are pretty frequent...sorry for that!

That's an interesting idea about a possible connection to anxiety...no one has ever mentioned that to me before (although I definitely do have anxiety, especially social anxiety, which I have been treated for in the past). But it makes a lot of sense... especially with my reaction to taking Ambien, that I felt a lot better after I was able to calm down some.

So I'll have to bring that up with my doctor when I next see her. I've never been diagnosed with OCD, and I don't think my symptoms are that severe, but I do notice several different compulsive "habits" in myself...so maybe these thoughts are related too.

My main problem in the past with taking anti-anxiety meds, though, has been the sleepiness they cause...I already drink soda during the day just to stay awake, although I know that can't help things. And I recently went off Wellbutrin myself because it made me so much more anxious and actually gave me hand tremors (even though I know I need to talk to my doctor before doing this)...but since then I've been sleepier during the day.

I know I deserve a lecture about all those things! But otherwise I'd have to stay on this med and be very anxious and trembly for another few weeks until my pdoc appointment. Anyway, getting off track...thanks again, for the support and the suggestion...that may turn out to be really helpful! (Since if this is "only" depression, I can't understand why nothing, even ECT, seems to have helped.)

Rose

Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 8:07am
Rose, hope you are feeling a bit better today. Just wanted to add that I recommended the books because he talks alot about finding your authentic self (not sure I could do that to be honest), but maybe it would help you especially with your feelings of conflict with your career choices. I know that reading a book isn't going to 'solve' anything but may be one step in the right direction. Maybe you have one of the same problems I have been told I have, lol, thinking too much. Anyways, just wanted to add that and hoping that today is a good day for you.
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 10:36am

A saint, I ain't--lol!! But, I AM glad that my words of support and those of others help you feel a bit better when you get so low--I've been there so I know it can make a difference. Thus, my motivation!


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