Dream and thoughts about abuse (trigs)

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Dream and thoughts about abuse (trigs)
3
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 4:09pm

This was supposed to be a short and readable post, but turned out to be more of a journal entry-type rambling...not necessarily needing to be read or looking for an answer. But thought maybe I'd post it in case anyone can relate or is just bored and feels like reading! :) I do need to mention that the whole thing is triggering in terms of abuse (although I'm not sure it could be called abuse) and suicidal thoughts.

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Among my bizarre and vivid dreams last night was one that wasn't so bizarre, about my father and the way he treated me growing up. In the dream, he ended up getting mad, and at one point picked up a long metal ruler and shook it at me as he was yelling. The kinda absurd thing is that I then picked up another ruler myself and, instead of crying or agreeing to follow his orders as I used to do, made a joke out of it by hitting his ruler with mine as if we were fencing or something!

I think even by the end of my childhood, I was acting with a similar kind of intent... saying whatever I wanted to because I just didn't care anymore. In that dream last night, my thought was, "what's the worst he can do to me? Kill me? Well, I'm already suicidal, so that doesn't sound so bad!". Bad thought, I know...but true.

So when I woke up (after 14 hours of sleep!), I got to thinking. It seems like I got comfortable with the idea of death at a very young age as a way to deal with my father's actions. He generally didn't hurt me physically, so I guess I could have been over-sensitive...but always when he was driving like a maniac, I'd pray to God and put my life in his hands...say that if it was my time to go, then so be it. And that was probably at 6 yrs old or younger.

And by 13 or so I remember crying and crying and wishing I could just disappear and die. Somehow I feel like I was so prepared for death that I didn't ever really make a huge commitment to live...that probably sounds really melodramatic...but even now, I hardly ever join organizations or make plans for far in the future because I just don't know if I'll be able to keep those commitments...also, I guess I just don't feel like a part of the bigger world, if that makes sense.

What's more, I wonder if one subconscious reason I stay stuck in this depressed rut is that it's "safe," in a way...my dad won't dare to get mad at me for fear of putting me over the edge. The very first time he stopped yelling was when I came home after my first time being hospitalized. And he hasn't done it since...so it's true that this is all years in the past, but I'm worried that growing up with it shaped my personality into this constantly depressed state.

To me, the fact that I have an identical twin who has none of these problems (and who seemed to be on the receiving end of much less of my dad's anger) is evidence that my environment growing up played a big part in this. But my dad acts completely "normal" now, has never apologized for anything...and generally I act friendly back.

I guess most of this realization is nothing new...I spent years in therapy after my first hospitalization, and later in college, going over my dad's treatment of me, how it hurt me, trying to deal with it, etc. And we never really seemed to get anywhere...my mom used to tell me it didn't make sense to focus so much on the past instead of the future...but I guess she didn't know (or was denying) what kind of pain was in my past.

But I never really made the connection to my current suicidal thoughts. Even so, I don't know that this connection gives me any new ideas on how to deal with my depression. Or whatever it is...my closest friend just pointed out to me that I seemed to switch from happy and energetic one week to completely apathetic and deeply depressed the next.

And oddly (and fortunately) enough, today I noticed I seem to be heading towards the energetic side again, although it's hard to tell. But I feel pretty peppy...maybe it's the caffeine, but I have that every day and am usually depressed. I'm even studying for my make-up test on Monday, which I haven't been at all motivated to do.

Anyway, if I had ECT (with all this memory loss) for no reason...well, not for no reason, but for a personality kind of problem that can't be fixed with meds or ECT...that would make me pretty upset. Oh well...guess I did the best I could.

And tomorrow's Father's Day...what ironic timing...I'll have to tell him I love him and wish him a great day. I guess if he's over the past, I should be too, or at least try.

This post long enough for you?! Just kind of journaling online. I don't really know what to do or think right now, mood is too confused (and confusing)...we'll see.

Thanks for letting me post all this here,

Rose

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Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 2:33am

Don't ever apologize for posting like you have...you never know what someone else is thinking when they read it. You saw a long post that people won't want to read or if they do would be very triggering. I see a post that made me sigh with relief. I AM NOT ALONE!

I'll be back to post more later. I just have so many to get through right now and my head is spinning in my manic state.

Love you always!
Amanda

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Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 10:58am

It's always good to hear from you, Rose. I can see that things continue to be rough on you. But letting us read your posts keeps the channels open & gives all of us hope that you are keeping on in these difficult times. I am sorry about your father & the things that have disturbed you through the years. It is difficult to put a period to those past troubles & move forward. I know I continue to

 

 


 



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Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 2:08pm

A very thoughtful post, Rose! I am sure your therapist would gain some insight with this entry as well.....but that's for you to decide--lol!


My thoughts? What you say makes sense. I'm wondering if the fact that your dad was often so angry and that he "stopped yelling" at you after your first hospitalization somehow made you feel that depression is safe. Happiness after all is risky at times--we open ourselves up to new people, new adventures and the hard work of making changes. But ironically, even in your depression, your spirit has found a way to fight for those changes! You are constantly seeking to improve your depression, understand yourself and yes, even though your depression leaves you wanting to isolate and unmotivated some of the time, you've worked hard to get to med school. Could it be that you are destined for HAPPINESS rather than pain and struggle? Could it be that if you/we dare to let go of the familiar darkness of depression, we'd open up new pathways in our brain and regenerate our spirit to seek more of the good that life has to offer?


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