sometimes siblings stink

Avatar for markshay
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Registered: 06-04-2003
sometimes siblings stink
5
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 10:23pm
I talked to my oldest sister this evening (why I even put myself thru it, I don't know). I don't talk to her very often at all, maybe twice a year or so. She is always quite happy to tell me how horribly I treated our mother. Which just really ticks me off, because I didn't "treat" her terribly! The period in my life to which my sister refers to is the years I spent being terribly suicidal. It was not an attempt to do anything or get anything from my mother. On the other hand, my sister caused our mother quite a bit of grief, sneaking out of the house to meet her boyfriend, getting pregnant in highschool in which mom took her to get an abortion, later getting pregnant out of wedlock, getting married then divorcing, drinking, etc etc. But every time I talk to her, she always says how horrible I was to mom and how much grief I caused her. (I sure wish I could cuss on here). Why was I suicidal in the first flipping reason???????????? Because mom was NOT there for me while I was growing up, dad was a drunk and didn't like me. Mom was always asleep or otherwise busy and had no idea what was going on with me. She made it pretty much obvious that I wasn't supposed to exist in that household. Yes she took care of the basics, clean clothes, food, roof over my head, made me go to bed in good time, did play games at some times, etc. But in the big scheme of things, I was a nuisance (sp) and was NOT wanted. Mom tried to abort me (she told me that not out of meanness, just out of information). I was the last big OOPS mom had. She had aborted 2 other babies, and had tried with me but screwed up. And my sister (who was planned for, who made bad decisions against mom's advise, and who would go against our dad but who also tried to be my parental force (since she is 11.5 years old than me)) has to let me know how HORRIBLE I was to our mother, who has been dead for almost 9 years. This sister (I have 2 sisters, 2 brothers), has always been jealous of me and has always thought that I had it better than her, that I was spoiled and got whatever I wanted. BULL CRAP! wanna know what I got? Dad was out the road drinking and hated me and I hated him (would wish he'd wreck on his way home and die), mom was on the couch sleeping, tuned into the darned tv or on the phone with on of my older siblings, telling me to be quiet or just ignoring me. My siblings were all older and moved out, leaving me home with my parents by myself. I was hardly ever home and she didn't know where I was most of the time, because, being home where you aren't wanted wasn't the most wonderful thing. Ugh. Sorry, just really makes me feel so frustrated and brings more feelings of wanting to escape out. My sister always has to tell me how much losing mom has affected her, boohoo! Guess what? I had mourned mom years before she died. I didn't really cry when she did die because I had already cried over not having her as I needed her and wanted her. Yes I loved my mom and I do miss her from time to time, but realistically, she was never the mother I needed and she would never be that person and she'd never be the kind of grandmother my kids need or deserve. So now that I have whined and complained, where does that leave me? Feeling alot of emptiness, loneliness and just wanting to escape it all because those are the feelings that are way stronger than I can handle and will NEVER go away.
Sandra.
Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 2:42am

(((Sandra)))

I can relate to not having the mother you needed. (My parents would shoot me if they knew that's how I thought of them but whatever). Oh, and I was also the "surprise" child. It is a different way than you, but I can relate to that too. I am a twin and my parents didn't know that they were having twins until I was born (and I'm the second, therefore, I am the unexpected child).

I have no real advice or anything and I've been away for a little while so I have a lot of catching up to do. Plus I'm manic and my head is a mess of spinning words and thoughts. Still, I have realized that I need to let people know that I am reading and thinking about them.

So, I wanted to let you know I can related and send some cyberhugs.

Amanda




Edited 6/19/2005 2:44 am ET ET by schitz

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Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 9:19am

I am truly sorry to hear all of this, Sandra. You deserved much better. What happens to us as kids, does effect us as we get older. However, when we get older we can make better choices. We can throw this unwanted

 

 


 



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Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 1:55pm

Hi Sandra,


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Avatar for markshay
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Registered: 06-04-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 3:50pm
Thanks everyone for the responses. The more I have thought about it today, the more upset I have gotten. I did tell my dh about it tho (something I usually don't do as well). I didn't tell him about how it really makes me react, but how I feel about it, that it makes me mad. It's not as tho I go to her looking for any kind of anything either, just making an attempt to be in contact with family. Plus there is a family reunion next weekend that is from my mom's side and since I don't talk to my sibs much, I wanted to know who was going. I try to always be there to be a representative for my mom and this side of the family. I spend alot of time ignoring all the bad feelings from growing up, altho alot of it does sill influence me. Yes, I know that my sister has her own issues. No one in our family had it really wonderful, one of the biggest differences is that I see it as being more of the adults faults and don't hold my parents up on a pedestal and continue to try to get their approval. Every time I talk to her tho, she lets me know how much grief I caused mom, and you know I wish I had thought of this before, but I think my come back is going to be, well, guess what, it's a chemical thing, not something I deliberately chose to do. Had I had cancer or diabetes, would I still get the same blame? I spent all of my teen years and before that being a person who did not have a bad reputation and stayed out of trouble. I did NOT do things that would be seen as bad (god only knows I already had to fight that just growing up in the family I did). Then for her to continually tell me how awful I was, just hurts. Sorry to ramble. Again thanks for the responses. Sometimes I feel like there is way TOO much to even tackle.
Sandra.
Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 4:31pm
Meant to respond to this: Lori said "I hope you've been able to find a "substitute mom" in your life...someone to pat you on the back, hug you when you need a hug, and encourage you to fulfill your dreams while caring unconditionally.", nope, have never been able to open myself up to anyone and feel that that is one thing that I am unable to do and will never figure out how to do.