Lurker-never posted here before-Trigs
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| Wed, 06-22-2005 - 9:29am |
Hello,
I hope it's OK to post here. This will be rather negative...
Normally I just post in the bi-polar board. But lately I have done nothing but think and fantasize about killing myself. I hope a car will hit me head on, or I hope to run into a tree or OD, or have a heart attack. I am eyeing my meds like a way out instead of to treat my illness. I am starting to take small overdoses that are getting bigger. I am on four meds, two of them sleeping aids. Ambiem and Xanax which are pretty powerful. I can't stop thinking about taking them all and wishing it would happen. This was the exact pattern I had in 92 and I ended up taking two bottles of Xanax. The problem is when I start obsessing over something I can't stop thinking and thinking about it until I do it. I actually take comfort in over dosing and I know that the obsession will eventually take control. I feel sorry for those left behind. But I can't stop thinking about it. I would also loose my job if I didn't die which would only make me try again. I'm not sure what to do. I wish I could turn my brain off!
Sorry so depressing! I hate feeling this way! I feel so guilty.
Jodie

It's nice to have you here, Jody. I do wish we could've met under better circumstances. Your posts whether venting, replying to others or seeking help are always welcome here.
It would seem that you have followed this path before. What helped you through the last time? Do you really believe that taking a possibly fatal OD is the only way to deal with your feelings? It would seem that you are obssessed with the thoughts. From what I know of obssession(having dealt with panic & OCD for nearly 35 years) it usually comes through when a person is under a great deal of stress. That can be loss, whether real or imagined. Changes that come too quickly, too closely or just too much for a person to handle. Overwhelming fears, once again either real or imagined. Once we're able to give ourselves a break from the stress, usually the anxiety is reduced that causes the obssessive thoughts. Voila! The obssessive thoughts are gone. It does happen, but not soon enough. IMHO you need help to cope now. Not when all of this can be sorted out. Have you spoken to your dr. or therapist? Is it possible that your meds need tweaked? Have you considered presenting yourself to the nearest health care facility for treatment? Have you called a suicide hotline? Have you shared your thoughts with a trusted friend or family member? These are all options. Many on this board have used these options to keep themselves safe. We want you to be safe, Jody!
Whatever is troubling you, it is temporary. Your plans are permanent. There will be no turning back. The folks you leave behind will be left to carry the burden of guilt. Those who have depended on you will be forced to carry on alone. I see alot of strength left in your coming to the board. We want you to keep the lines of communication open with us, as well as *real life* ppl. You have many good qualities which you can't remember right now. You matter to others. You have a purpose in life. If you're a person of faith, maybe prayer is in order. I am confident you have the power to stop these negative thoughts & replace them with positive ones. We care about you & want you to live. Please seek help now. Keep us informed. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
Hi Jodie and welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us although I too wish we could have "met" under better circumstances! I think you will find this a safe and supportive place to share your feelings and be supported.
Hi ((((Jodie)))) I had no idea how rough things were right now. I'm glad you made it to this board! (I'm sorry if you posted on the bp board that I missed).
I can't offer any advice but I really hope that you get past this okay. I just wanted to let you know I care.
Love,
Amanda