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New and Need help
| Wed, 06-22-2005 - 9:21pm |
Hi~ I'm new to this board, I have been on a couple of others but thought it was time to get down to the reality of my feelings. I have had a tough life as I'm sure many people have. But I only know what I have lived. I have suffered alot of losses~relationships with my siblings, both my parents have passed away, I lost my profession as a result of an injury and not being able to work.I have had alot of health problems and have had many surgeries including a hysterectomy. I am in chronic pain from a back injury and fibromyalgia and on alot of meds for it~the pain never does go away though and even if it does there is always weakness and debilitation. My self esteem has never been great but it is now at an all time low and I don't care if I go to sleep and never wake up. I have 2 great kids and that's all that has kept me holding on this far. They are building there own lives though and are needing me less and less. I have been married a long time~my husband is so far removed emotionally~he is depressed himself and wont be man enough to admit it. He is a workaholic and sports fanatic and he has no desire for romance or intimacy. I'm just so very sad~some days I just start crying for no reason~I could be in a store or something and my eyes just fill up with tears. I know in my academic mind that suicide is not an answer. But emotionally it's looking better and better. I don't want to leave that legacy for my kids, but between the sadness the pain and the lonliness; I just don't know what to do anymore. I hope someone out there answers me~I feel so alone. Thanks. NJmom

Hi njmom and welcome to our board! I''m glad you found us--though we all wish it could be under better circumstances and people wouldn't hurt this badly to need such a board.
Although it is not our job (nor are we qualified) to diagnose here, it does sound like you may be suffering from clinical depression. This is an illness. It is as real as diabetes or cancer and can be just as debilitating (as you are unfortunately learning!). Depression affects one's mood, judgement and perception. It clouds our thoughts and narrows our vision in many cases. Some of the symptoms you describe are pretty typical....intense sadness, crying easily, no interest in life etc. PLUS, your feelings are compounded by what MAY be past issues that have yet to be fully dealt with.
Welcome! It's nice to have you here. You are not alone.
Hi, I just wanted to agree with what Lori and Jan posted and to let you know you have my sympathy...I have often been in that kind of a place emotionally (even very recently), although I haven't struggled with all that you have. I also have fibromyalgia and was devastated by it for quite a while...unable to work and in constant pain too...my heart goes out to you.
But things can change, even when they're at their worst...thankfully I'm on meds that have done wonders for my muscle pain...and just in these past few days, I seem to be emerging from this last horrible depression. Not to ramble on about my story...I just wanted to let you know that it's not hopeless.
I think Lori and Jan had some great suggestions about getting help...for me, viewing it as an illness has helped some...trying to distance myself from my self-destructive thoughts by thinking of them as a symptom of a disorder that can be treated. You mention that your father struggled with bipolar and depression...these kinds of chemical "imbalances" can run in families, so it's so very important that you get treatment before you harm yourself.
I'm not sure it will help for me to say it (I know it was hard for me to believe recently too), but I just wanted to repeat this: you are not a burden to your family...what would be a horrible, painful burden would be the loss of you to suicide. I know how scary it can be when to realize it seems like a practical option...that is a real sign that you need to reach out, to a hotline and hopefully a doctor or therapist, to get help.
When I was at my worst, one thing that helped me stay safe was telling myself, "OK, I may not believe it completely, but it's possible that my emotions are making me think illogically (especially if I'm considering suicide)...so I'll hold off on making that decision until I can think it all through rationally." At that point, I couldn't bring myself to rule out suicide as an option...but at least putting off the decision helped get me through. And now I'm glad I did.
I hope this helped even a little bit...keep posting, and please do call the hotline or visit a doctor or the ER for help...your life is so important.
Rose
Edited 6/25/2005 2:54 am ET ET by njmom82
Hi njmom,