triggering. new to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
triggering. new to the board.
4
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 9:46pm

Hi I'm knew to this board. I've visited often, but never post. But tonight is different because I need help and support. The er room is out of the question for a couple of days. I posted this on another board.

I had been up and down with depression these last three monthes or so. I do really good and then I crash down. It seems that everytime I crash further down. The fight for my life is a loosing battle. I'm letting my abusers win, but I don't care. I'm tired of being a dumping ground for everyone. Last night for the first time I became a dumping ground for my dh. I was an easy target. earlier I took my dd to the drs. because he ears were still hurting her. Well she now has swimmers ear along with a middle ear infection. The dr made me feel like a bad mom because I should know by now how to prevent that. The girl was where ear plugs and I did the alchol and vinger in the ear thing and she still got it. so, by the time I left the drs and got her meds and dropped her off at my moms, my dh was home first. We have been have problems with his boat, our basement and now our upstairs bathroom is leaking and leaked right down to our main floor. It went thru insulation and the dry wall is all moldy. Well he unloaded on me. I was not stable to start with and then he found out that I wasn't taking my anbotics right. I miss read the label. I feel like a failure. I didn't get all the things around the house done that was on my list. I feel useless and unworthy. Well everyone here left me a lone and did their own thing. I was putting away the fish fillet knife that is very sharp and I pictured myself cutting my wrist. I could even feel the warm blood running out of me. I put the knife to my wrist and slid it down just over my skin. I didn't cut thru because my dd would be the first one home and would find me. I put the knife away.

That night my dh want to have sex and I didn't, but I had no voice. I couldn't tell him no. He had no way of knowing how I was feeling. I just didn't care. I felt violated like I did during the abuse. When he was done, I went for a swim in our pool and then I took a shower. I felt dirty and gross. I picked the knife up and took it out of it's case and just stared at it for I don't know how long. I put it back and went to bed. I felt numb and hallow. I saw my T this morning and we talked about it. She gave me affrimations to say and writting to do. But the fact is I don't care. If my life is going to always be this up and downs and be triggered so easy than I dont want to live it anymore. It's not worth it. I'm not worth it. My kids would be better way from all my mental problems. I'm numb now. I have no feelings.

I am adding this. If I take all my meds first then everything else would be easy to cut my wrist or shot myself. My dh has our guns locked up, but not the knifes. He doesn't understand what I'm going thru.
Joan



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 9:08am

Hi, Joan & welcome to the board. I am sorry to hear what you're going through. This is a really rough time for you. I will say that sometimes we put unnecessary pressures on ourselves. Regardless of what you may think(& @ this time your thoughts are clouded by depression) or your doctor says, you are not responsible for your dd's ear infection. These things happen with the most vigilant care. Please try not to beat yourself up over it. Be kind to yourself.


I don't think you're responsible for the leak in the house or the damage it caused. Things like this happen in all our lives. You are feeling blue & being way too hard on yourself. Your dh seems to want a scapegoat & you're convenient. Once in awhile we all are made to feel like victims, but if this is ordinary procedure @ your house, then it isn't right. No wonder you feel so depressed. Have you ever considered joint or marriage counseling? This would be a great help in your dh's sexual demands & your being unable to refuse & in turn having feelings of violation. When this happens again, Joan, please call a crisis line for domestic violence or rape. An experienced person can help you talk through your fears, anxieties & point you in the right direction on how to deal with this unhealthy relationship.


You want a *way out* & a relief from your situation. Taking your life will not help you find either. You are the best thing that ever happened to your kids. If you take your life, you will leave them in the awful position to live with guilt & regret for the rest of their lives. They will have no peace @ all being deprived of their mother's love. Worthless feelings are just that. Feelings. You do have worth & value. You are a person with a purpose & potential. The depression is talking & the low self esteem is making you feel this way. This is a temporary rut you have yourself in & you are making a mistake by ending it permanently. The meds aren't working, Joan & you were less than honest with your *T.* Call your *T* ASAP. Do not hesitate. If you can't control these thoughts of harming yourself, then call for help. Try the suicide hotline numbers on the top of this page or get to an emergency room. We care about you. You can have the good life you deserve. Keep safe. Post again & let us know how you're feeling. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan



 

 


 



Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 9:13am
Joan, I'm sorry that you are still struggling so much this summer! I wish I had some great words of wisdom. All I can think of is to ask you to remember how much you were willing to help me! I understand the feelings/thoughts of not wanting to keep living like this for the rest of our lives! Just remember how when you feel a bit more at peace at how much you can enjoy life and how much you learn during that period! I hope that you made it thru last night ok and that things start to look a bit more up for you and soon! Talk to your T more if you are still feeling so desperate! Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing! Am thinking of you! (((HUGS)))
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 9:21am
Hello Joan, I too am very sorry you are having such a difficult time. After reading what you wrote I had to respond as so much of what you wrote sounds like me. I too am the scapegoat here, have to give into unwanted sex, get blamed for so many things beyond my control and on and on. How many times I've dragged my blade across my wrist as well. Already struggling with depression it does make us more vulnerable to not being able to deal with issues like that on top of everything else that is hard for us and may not be for others. I am sorry I have no words of wisdom to offer as I'm not the best right now either, but did just want you to know you are not alone. Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 10:22am

Hi Joan and welcome to the board--although I wish it were under better circumstances that we'd get to know you here in cyberspace!


It sounds like you KNOW that you are very depressed, that your self esteem isn't good and that you are facing a lot of stressors in your life. You also probably know that depression puts you at higher risk of suicide. BUT...it is also treatable and I'd urge you to keep reminding yourself of that--especially now, when the depression is bad and clouding your perception and judgement! It is also important at this time to NOT make any big decisions--and that includes suicide!!

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