Haven'T Posted For A long Time...
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Haven'T Posted For A long Time...
| Wed, 07-13-2005 - 1:25pm |
I think I have posted on this board berore ,but it has been a long while ago. I was in the hospital the fist week in May and I was in a day hospital program in June.
My son (who is 22) is still very angry aboout me having to go to the hospital.
Because he has had to cope withso much grwoing up due t omy illness, I do feel like I failed him as a MotherI have failed at everything I have done except to get married and have my child and raise my step-son.I do not think I would really kill myself although ai think about it a lot,On one hand I do not want to hurt my husband, sons and family like that.On the ther hand I do not think I would be missed and my family would get over it.
I also am afraid that if I do something I may not succeesd and be worse off than I am now.
It's more of I don't care attitude.I do not think I would deliberately put myself in a car's path,but it is an "I do not care anymore attitude." My husban is trying to be very supportive but he is also very controlling and can be emotional abusive at times
Last week when I went to my "T"'s office. I got lost although I have walked from a shoping center to her office many times and it is very close to the shopping center I walked for 55 minutes not knowing where I was.I was walking on a mojor road where there is a lot of traffic and trying to get my cell phone to work.
I am just so tired of being ill.I have major depression,am bi-polar 2 ,SI ,and suffer from anxiety, fears and PTSD.
I have not been able to sleep well for thelast couple months and the Psych.doc keeps changing my meds.but so far noth9ing has worked.
I am so tired of being so distracted and tired and being unable to clean my house and do things I want to do.I am so tired of getting distracted and disoriented.I have a very supportive "T" who is on vacation for three weeks.I am very afraid although she has given me emergency numbers and a way I contact her if need be. i do not know if I can or would use these numbers in an emergeny.Thanks for listeening .Careyfeel
My son (who is 22) is still very angry aboout me having to go to the hospital.
Because he has had to cope withso much grwoing up due t omy illness, I do feel like I failed him as a MotherI have failed at everything I have done except to get married and have my child and raise my step-son.I do not think I would really kill myself although ai think about it a lot,On one hand I do not want to hurt my husband, sons and family like that.On the ther hand I do not think I would be missed and my family would get over it.
I also am afraid that if I do something I may not succeesd and be worse off than I am now.
It's more of I don't care attitude.I do not think I would deliberately put myself in a car's path,but it is an "I do not care anymore attitude." My husban is trying to be very supportive but he is also very controlling and can be emotional abusive at times
Last week when I went to my "T"'s office. I got lost although I have walked from a shoping center to her office many times and it is very close to the shopping center I walked for 55 minutes not knowing where I was.I was walking on a mojor road where there is a lot of traffic and trying to get my cell phone to work.
I am just so tired of being ill.I have major depression,am bi-polar 2 ,SI ,and suffer from anxiety, fears and PTSD.
I have not been able to sleep well for thelast couple months and the Psych.doc keeps changing my meds.but so far noth9ing has worked.
I am so tired of being so distracted and tired and being unable to clean my house and do things I want to do.I am so tired of getting distracted and disoriented.I have a very supportive "T" who is on vacation for three weeks.I am very afraid although she has given me emergency numbers and a way I contact her if need be. i do not know if I can or would use these numbers in an emergeny.Thanks for listeening .Careyfeel

Hi, Careyfeel! I am sorry that life is so overwhelming right now. You have had alot of troubles but sought help in the past. Have you thought about hospitalization again? Even partial hospitalization? There's something about depression that makes us aimless & distractible. I have experienced the same thing & it's very scary. When I was @ my worst, rather than call for a plumber to fix a leak in my toilet, I shut the water off to my apartment. What was I thinking? I do know there's help available & rather than go through that disoriented feeling again, I would seek it.
Your *T* must think you are a very valuable person. To give you those numbers, even though she'll be on vacation was really nice. Please don't hesitate to use them. I'm certain that she would want to know how you're feeling & if thoughts of harming yourself are overwhelming, then she's there for you. Even though we feel crummy & worthless, it's good to reach out to others & surround ourselves with supportive ppl. You are lucky to have someone. We are glad to know that you came back to this board, as this is a safe place for you. Vent as much & as often as you'd like. We consider keeping the connection open a positive sign.
I am glad to hear that you don't think you would act on the thoughts. Unfortunately, I am still worried, because the thoughts are still in there. I know that it's hard to NOT look back on life with regrets. It's something we all go through. But, I know that things are just temporarily bad for you. If you were to act on the thoughts, that would be very permanent. You would not feel the relief you're searching for. You WOULD hurt your family & friends. No parent is perfect. None of our kids came with instruction manuals. Try to look @ all the positive things in your life. Throw the negative ones out. Past is past & no matter how much we'd like, we cannot go back & change it. You are a good & worthy person, Careyfeel. We care about you & want you to feel better. Please keep safe & keep in touch. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
Hi and welcome back
I believe what you said about my son is true.I know he loves me very much and I love him very much..I know he was very scared when I went into the hospital and I think that fear may be expressed as anger.He is a going to Grad School at Bowling Green State Universityin Ohio in August. We live in Maryland and he has never lived that far away from us.I think he feels that he has to protect me. I think he wa angry about me going into the hospital because he was not here and he had exams that week.He went to a college where most of the kids were richer than he(he was there on scholarships and loans) and he had a hard time adjusting to that environement .By Junior year he had finally made a little group of friend. He misses them becausethey all live far from here.He has no friends here.He has always been sensitive and we never had any major problems with him when he was a teen-ager and a young adult. My older step-son was our challenge son.He is now 30 years
My son has had a lot to deal with in hsis life so I can understand his anger. Both he and I have had a lot of health problems, Financially we could not give him as musch as most other kids were
My "T" has mentioned to me about the possiblity of me being hospitailazed again,but my son and husband would be so angry!I am trying to stay stay "safe" but it is hard.I do oty think I would really kill myself. Thank you agin for your response.Fran
Hi Fran,