Haven'T Posted For A long Time...

Avatar for careyfeel
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Haven'T Posted For A long Time...
4
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 1:25pm
I think I have posted on this board berore ,but it has been a long while ago. I was in the hospital the fist week in May and I was in a day hospital program in June.
My son (who is 22) is still very angry aboout me having to go to the hospital.
Because he has had to cope withso much grwoing up due t omy illness, I do feel like I failed him as a MotherI have failed at everything I have done except to get married and have my child and raise my step-son.I do not think I would really kill myself although ai think about it a lot,On one hand I do not want to hurt my husband, sons and family like that.On the ther hand I do not think I would be missed and my family would get over it.
I also am afraid that if I do something I may not succeesd and be worse off than I am now.
It's more of I don't care attitude.I do not think I would deliberately put myself in a car's path,but it is an "I do not care anymore attitude." My husban is trying to be very supportive but he is also very controlling and can be emotional abusive at times
Last week when I went to my "T"'s office. I got lost although I have walked from a shoping center to her office many times and it is very close to the shopping center I walked for 55 minutes not knowing where I was.I was walking on a mojor road where there is a lot of traffic and trying to get my cell phone to work.
I am just so tired of being ill.I have major depression,am bi-polar 2 ,SI ,and suffer from anxiety, fears and PTSD.
I have not been able to sleep well for thelast couple months and the Psych.doc keeps changing my meds.but so far noth9ing has worked.
I am so tired of being so distracted and tired and being unable to clean my house and do things I want to do.I am so tired of getting distracted and disoriented.I have a very supportive "T" who is on vacation for three weeks.I am very afraid although she has given me emergency numbers and a way I contact her if need be. i do not know if I can or would use these numbers in an emergeny.Thanks for listeening .Careyfeel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 10:54am

Hi, Careyfeel! I am sorry that life is so overwhelming right now. You have had alot of troubles but sought help in the past. Have you thought about hospitalization again? Even partial hospitalization? There's something about depression that makes us aimless & distractible. I have experienced the same thing & it's very scary. When I was @ my worst, rather than call for a plumber to fix a leak in my toilet, I shut the water off to my apartment. What was I thinking? I do know there's help available & rather than go through that disoriented feeling again, I would seek it.


Your *T* must think you are a very valuable person. To give you those numbers, even though she'll be on vacation was really nice. Please don't hesitate to use them. I'm certain that she would want to know how you're feeling & if thoughts of harming yourself are overwhelming, then she's there for you. Even though we feel crummy & worthless, it's good to reach out to others & surround ourselves with supportive ppl. You are lucky to have someone. We are glad to know that you came back to this board, as this is a safe place for you. Vent as much & as often as you'd like. We consider keeping the connection open a positive sign.


I am glad to hear that you don't think you would act on the thoughts. Unfortunately, I am still worried, because the thoughts are still in there. I know that it's hard to NOT look back on life with regrets. It's something we all go through. But, I know that things are just temporarily bad for you. If you were to act on the thoughts, that would be very permanent. You would not feel the relief you're searching for. You WOULD hurt your family & friends. No parent is perfect. None of our kids came with instruction manuals. Try to look @ all the positive things in your life. Throw the negative ones out. Past is past & no matter how much we'd like, we cannot go back & change it. You are a good & worthy person, Careyfeel. We care about you & want you to feel better. Please keep safe & keep in touch. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan



 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 11:21am

Hi and welcome back

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Avatar for careyfeel
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 7:23pm
Thank you for your reply to my message. Going into the hospital was one of the hardest things I have ever done/. I do not thinkl I would have done so,but my "T" saw how sick I was when I saw her the day before.We had discuused going into a day hospital,but when she called the hospital they wanted me to be an in-patient.It all happened so fast .I sw my "T" on a Thursday and I was in the hospital before 6PM on Friday.I would have gone to the hospital but I had to wait until my "T" got aproval from my insurance company.My husband was so angry with me that I had to call my sister to drive me to the hospita.I had no idea of sick I was.They also had to get me off two meds.quickly so I went through some withdawal symptoms.I was glad thatI was able to go to the hospital voluntarily.My "T' said that if I hadn't agreed she and my pysch.doc would have made me go involuntarily within the next few day. In June I went to a day hopsital for one 1 full day and 8 half days.That is all my insurance would cover.My "T" and the psych.doc and director of the day hospital all thoght I should go to the day hospital full days,but my insurance would not budge I think my "T" made three differnt appeals within two days and they were all lost.The psych.doc and director of the day hospital made a final appeal and that too was rejected. It was a difference of two hours. However, if I went full day I would have been covered in full. The half day program cost less and we had to pay a co-pay.It would have been much more costly for the insurance company if I had to go back as in-patient and that would have been covered in full.
I believe what you said about my son is true.I know he loves me very much and I love him very much..I know he was very scared when I went into the hospital and I think that fear may be expressed as anger.He is a going to Grad School at Bowling Green State Universityin Ohio in August. We live in Maryland and he has never lived that far away from us.I think he feels that he has to protect me. I think he wa angry about me going into the hospital because he was not here and he had exams that week.He went to a college where most of the kids were richer than he(he was there on scholarships and loans) and he had a hard time adjusting to that environement .By Junior year he had finally made a little group of friend. He misses them becausethey all live far from here.He has no friends here.He has always been sensitive and we never had any major problems with him when he was a teen-ager and a young adult. My older step-son was our challenge son.He is now 30 years
My son has had a lot to deal with in hsis life so I can understand his anger. Both he and I have had a lot of health problems, Financially we could not give him as musch as most other kids were
My "T" has mentioned to me about the possiblity of me being hospitailazed again,but my son and husband would be so angry!I am trying to stay stay "safe" but it is hard.I do oty think I would really kill myself. Thank you agin for your response.Fran
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 10:11am

Hi Fran,


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