haven't been here in a while(trigs)
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haven't been here in a while(trigs)
| Wed, 07-13-2005 - 7:55pm |
Hi everyone. I don't know if anyone here remembers me, I was around a lot around this time last year after having a miscarriage. Well, a little update: three months later I got pregnant again and we were very excited. Then, when I was 5 months pregnant I told my husband I wanted to separate for a while b/c he was being very verbally abusive and drinking a lot while I was at home, very very sick (had horrible morning sickness that put me in the hospital) and taking care of two other children, all while going to school and working. At first he went on and on about how much he loved and missed me and wanted to come home. He really wanted to work on things...so he said. Then, about three weeks later he tells me that he never wanted to marry me, he never loved me, faked it the whole time, that he was miserable the whole time he was with me and only married me b/c I was pregnant with DS #2. Turns out he'd met someone else. Someone he could go out with and have fun with since she didn't have children to care for, no job, just a college student living on her parent's money and partying. So, my baby was born on July 2. The exact same day as my miscarriage last year. I cry and cry all day long. I feel fat and ugly. I go out and see all these girls who are my age (I'm 24) who have no real worries, they look great and are having fun and enjoying their lives. I'm at home with three children, and I love them dearly, but I just feel so old. I don't get out at all, I can barely leave the house. I really want to just take a handful of pills and be done with it. My eating disorder has come back and so has my SI'ing. I am on anti-depressants (just started after the baby was born) and I am seeing a therapist. I have no real friends except for one who lives 2 hours away. It's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. I just keep thinking how I've been so easily replaced and forgotten about, if it's that easy to forget me, then why am I here???


Hi! I am so sorry to hear about all this. My deepest sympathies on the loss of your baby. I am positive that you love your new son dearly
Hi and I'm glad you decided to post and update us on things! First let me say, congrats on the new baby! Did you have a boy or a girl, if I may ask? I imagine it is both a blessing and a trigger to have this baby's birthday on the same date as the miscarriage....a kind of bittersweet experience, I'm sure.
I am so sorry to hear of your struggles--both with the depression, s.i., etc and your husband. Even if you feel "out of sight, out of mind" trust that it just isn't possible. After all, YOU still think of him, and he is out of sight, right? It doesn't really matter if you feel you are better off without him, the loss is still HUGE and worth grieving about! I think that is likely a big part of your depression. That, and perhaps some postpartum depression going on since women who've already had episodes of depression are more likely to experience it after having a baby.
Thanks for your response, Lori. I had a boy (ANOTHER boy LOL). Here's a link to some pictures of him:
http://photobucket.com/albums/v633/momluvspunx/Brody%20Evan%20Absher/
You're right, I could use a break. I'm going to talk to my financial aid counselor on Monday about a student loan. That would allow me to just go to school and not have to work at all. I hate borrowing money, but if I also have to work (only get about $300/month anyway) I won't have time for therapy (which I have to have!) or to do anything for myself, exercise, study, nothing.
I am definalty better off without my STBX. Even today he was supposed to come and see the baby this morning, but he slept till noon b/c he'd been out drinking last night. He did pick the boys up from school to spend some time with them, but it was less than an hour, so I didn't even get to make myself a 'real' dinner as I
Thanks for your response....
Somehow taking a permanent step doesn't seem quite fair, when this is just a temporarily bad situation.
That is such a true statement and really makes me think about things and know that they are going to get better.
My OB increased my dosage of Wellbutrin, so we'll see if that helps at all. I haven't spoken to my therapist about the SI and the suicidal thoughts b/c I had an appointment with her last week, but didn't start feeling this way until this week. I meet with her again next week. I'm going to go ahead and send her an email so that I can't back down and not talk about it. I have a tendacy to do that.
What a BEAUTIFUL baby you have--thanx for sharing the photos with us!! And I also want to CONGRATULATE you for standing up to your STBX and asking him to leave! HE is the one who left the home and aside from any visitation you two work out it is not okay for him to assume there is no penalty for abandoning his family so suddenly and not living up to his responsibilities as a husband and especially as a father!