I'm back, not that... trigs
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I'm back, not that... trigs
| Sat, 07-16-2005 - 2:21am |
I'm missed I'm sure. If it isn't spelled out for you D-U-H I'm depressed. So much for a nice vacation. Life sucks. And I nearly did something stupid. I did SI but was purely my intent. The thought of SU has crossed my mind and I don't know why or what to do about it.
I am going to cry now. Story of the day, so I'm not going to get into it. If you want the preliminary update check out the bipolar board. Not that you care.
Bye.


Of course I care and to tell you the truth it is of concern to me that you think we DON'T--although I KNOW how depression can affect your thinking and perception so I'm not holding that against you!
I checked your post on bipolar & I am sort of @ a loss. I don't follow. But, I am generally one of the clueless folks to begin with. It takes awhile for me to process, as I am always the last to know. Seems I have never been *in the loop.* I couldn't get your website to come up, either. That may be a lack of technical ability on my part.
For all of those reasons, I care way too much for you, Amanda. I want the best for you. I want you to be safe. SI is NOT helping anything. Much as I'd like to help you out, only you have the power to do that. I can just say, that I have missed you. I have been waiting for you to comment on a couple of my daily thoughts that didn't have an author. You know how to look those up & there again, I haven't the expertise. It's these small things that you're good @, Amanda, that added one on one, make you, *you.* A truly worthwhile & valuable person. I think maybe you don't see that.
I am sorry if your vacation didn't come off as planned. That does suck. FWIW, you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off & proceed. Much easier said than done.
Thank you (((Lori))) I feel *a little* better today, still not happy but not as bad.
I'm sorry to be such a meanie and say how no one cares. I don't mean to insult you all. People who help me and I have the nerve to say "no one cares".
Anyway, thanks.
Amanda
(still not up to posting. I tried writting a letter today and got less than a paragraph done - I can't seem to stay on anything)
((Jan))
I don't know what you don't get out of my post but I'll gladly elucidate. I'm sure it was all over the place and skipping over a lot. I know I wrote it fast.
I fixed the web link.
Tdoc probably collects emails as a way to direct our next meeting, but doesn't have the time to write back. I tell you *I* would if I was someone's tdoc! Ah well.
I can't believe I didn't think to look at the suicide numbers at the top of the board. I just looked through the phone book under "helpline" "crisis", anything I could possibly think of, but found nothing. The front of the book was gone and there are no yellow pages. I somehow got through the night regardless. It wouldn't have mattered if I had the number because the kitchen and dining area (i.e. where the phone was) closed at 12am. It was nearly midnight at that time. Plus the phone isn't private. Ah well.
I'm sure tdoc would take a phone call...I called her once before and left a message saying (and trying to hide the crying) that I'm sorry I missed my appointment, and she called me back. I didn't ask her to or leave the number, but she must have looked it up in my file. Anyway, she would have had the voicemail on so that the phone doesn't ring in appointments and there is nowhere she could have called me back. Plus, at the time of greatest crisis it was late night.
As far as my crisis lines in Canada I know them and will call them if I need to. I cannot go to the ER though. I didn't feel like they took me seriously even when I had taken an overdose, I'm sure they wouldn't keep me if I just went in with suicidal ideation.
Let me know which quotes you need authors for.
Amanda
Yes, it is nearly impossible to write papers when I'm like this. I have no motivation to do anything right now, and I *think* I just don't care if I pass or fail, live or die, whatever the case may be. Inevitably I will come around and I will care. I know that, even if I don't believe it right now.
Amanda
ohh Kiddo we do all care about you I know how depression can mess with your head but just know that we all care about you and we are always here for you. Stay safe and keep us informed on how you are doing kiddo.
hugs to you
Mary
Thank you (((Mary))) Same to you.
Amanda