Not doing well.....(trigs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Not doing well.....(trigs)
2
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 1:52pm

I'm feeling soo awful. I haven't eaten in two days b/c I've had no appetite, so I made myself eat when I made the boys some lunch, and now I'm nauseous....trying hard not to purge. Anyhow, I'm cutting again and it's getting really bad. STBX told me he loves his new girlfriend...they've been seeing each other for a month, but now I'm pretty sure something was going on before, they worked together. He's supposed to be finding his own place so that he can keep the boys for overnights, but now he's talking about getting a place with her. I cannot bear the thought of children being around her. Just a few months ago he was saying that he missed me and loved me and wanted to come home; now he says he never meant a word of it and is sorry he said it.


I'm crying all of the time. I'm so tired. I'm not eating well so I'm shaky and weak. I have horrible headaches, plus I've got pinkeye that won't go away after weeks on antibiotic eye drops. I can barely take care of my children, let alone the house or myself. My ex is making me beg for money for rent and gas, I don't know how on earth I'm going to pay the bills. My mom just can't help me anymore, she's tired so can't help with the boys (her father passed away a couple of weeks ago) and she can't help with money b/c they are closing on their new house in a couple of weeks. My one friend in town isn't returning my phone calls, and I don't know why. My youngest son is about to get kicked out of his preschool b/c he is biting three or four times a day, I've talked to his doctor and his therapist and we've tried everything.


STBX had the boys last night so I could visit a friend out of town. His aunt and uncle came to see the boys and brought him dinner from my favorite restaraunt and a six pack of beer. This after only two weeks ago his aunt was telling me she couldn't believe how he was behaving and how he was breaking his mother's heart and everyone was so upset. They haven't even called to check on me. I never get to eat out b/c I don't have any money. My son was begging for a happy meal the other day and I couldn't get it for him b/c I didn't even have three dollars.


I feel like I'm walking around in a fog. I'm barely even functioning. My kids deserve a better mother, someone who isn't sad all of time, who can take them out to the park, who is happy. Maybe STBX's girlfriend would be a better mom than me. I feel like noone wants me around. I feel that my children would be better off without me. I know its a permanant solution to a temporary problem, but this problem doesn't feel temorary, and it's not. I'll be dealing with this crap for the rest of my life. Why do I have this horrid disease of depression? Why am I so horribly disordered?


"I curse the day that I was born, and all the sorrow in this world."-Bad Religion

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 6:01pm

I am sorry to hear that you are so down. This is a painful time for you after being betrayed by your STBX. Also, when you posted before, Lori pointed out that some of your depression could be post partum related. It's very difficult to be on your own with a newborn & 2 toddlers. Added to the mix are the financial problems & so many day to day

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 9:56pm

Hi, sweetie, I just got your e-mail, and I rushed over here to the board to read your post. I'm so sorry that everything has been so horrible for you lately. Please don't say that your boys deserve a better mother. I think that you are an excellent mother. You always, always put your babies first, and I think that's wonderful. I wish that I lived closer and could do more to help you. I would babysit and help you with anything you needed.

I've been in sort of a fog myself lately, but I don't know exactly what is wrong with me.