cant do this nymore.. trigs becareful

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
cant do this nymore.. trigs becareful
3
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 3:28am

well it is almost 3 AM and I cant sleep, I am completely depressed I haev SI'ed many times tonight and it hasnt helped, I haev taken some sleeping pills in hopes of something happening either I fall asleep or I fall asleep and never wake up. I miss my granny adn I need to hear her voice and feel her touch. and wiht my problems with my mom and dad adn neice and nephew I really need my granny here more now then ever. everyone here is alseep and it would be so easy to walk out of the hosue and end it tonight but I am not sure wat is keeping me from doing it. I get mad at myself when I do try to kill myself I flip up on it adn either someone finds out and gets me the help I need or I chicken out. wat is going on in my head tonight. HELP ME

me

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 9:52pm

Hey Mary,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 6:10pm

Lori it isnt jsut at night any more it is all the time I put on a happy face and act like I am happy but I it is like I am dead inside I have to cut to make sure I can still feel and I am scared b/c I do know where I am heading and I dont want to go down that path again, I may not be as lucky as I have been in the past, but yet again I want to go down that path and never return.
as far as my children go I know they will be devastated but I do know they will get over it with therepy and lots of love, I feel this is the best thing for them b/c I will make sure my parents arent allowed to see my children,and I will ask my therepist to help make sure that my parent have no contact with my children. I want to die yet I dont want to, I am so confused, I think I have it all planned out and something changes so I cant do it. I am so tired of this darn depression, I do good for a while then wham I fall into this deep dark hole and have nothing to grab a hold of but a tiny string of hope and it is getting thinner.
I do have faith in God, and I love God so much and I wouldnt want to hurt him, yet I cant continue with this up for a while and then down for a long time. I try to hide my depression from everyone and I know I should talk to my T about it but I have a fear of crying in front of anyone, I dont cry in front of anyone I was taught that crying meant you were weak and and a pansy, so I will not allow anyone to see me cry.
I know I need help and I know I need to go into the hospital but we cant afford it and my DH will take off from work and he will end up losing his job and in turn means we will lose our hosue adn our children. so that is out of the question.. I feel as if I am back up against a wall and the only way out is to kill myself in order for others to survive

me :(

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 10:42am

Just a little dose of reality, Mary. Sometimes when we're so low, we fantasize or romanticize what impact our death will make. My ds died with ca leaving 3 small children. Her dh was an abusive man with drug problems. In making a will, my ds found out that she could NOT will her children to anyone when her dh was still alive. She couldn't make any plans for her kids, as long as he would still be around to make decisions for them. She never was in favor of her in-laws, but they still see those kids. They do not see my parents, as her dh never cared for our family.