update
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 07-28-2005 - 2:16am |
Well I worked my butt off last week - 6 days. What a week! I got into a huge blow up with my coworker (and not even the one that I've had problems with). That ended creating major rage in me followed by SU and SI thoughts. Luckily I worked by myself for most of the shift on Saturday and found peace, but it was more than working by myself that did it. The job didn't bother me at all, the customers didn't bother me. Everything was somewhat slower and peaceful. I felt completely "Zen". And I was continually shocked every time I realized the feeling wasn't going away. By Sunday I wasn't quite there anymore but I tried to be. I was soooo exhausted so that might have made a difference. But still I haven't had that since then either. But I'm kind of content still. I thin this is the first time I've been without episode in a year. Of course I'm already worried about losing this feeling. Why can't I just enjoy it?
Oh and I quit my job. I don't know if i said that.
I saw my disability counsellor yesterday and went through my week and personal issues this time. I even told her about my SA because that is one of the major issues on my mind lately - between the flashbacks and nightmares and now my abuser coming back into my life, it's all very prevalent.
I guess that's all for now.
Amanda


Honestly, I commend you for doing such a fine job of controlling your reaction to the unsafe thoughts. I don't think you realize how much strength you have. Nor are you giving yourself the credit you deserve for pushing past the thoughts. You had some bad work experiences, Amanda & you didn't fold.
I am sorry you had to quit the job. But, until you find the reason for the physical pain & get some sort of treatment, it was unrealistic to expect you to continue. I hope you can find work that is less physically demanding. Can the disability counselor help? BTW, did you see the dr. about your pain? How did that go?
There are no easy answers for why we can't allow ourselves to break free & accept the peace we feel or the Zen as you call it. I am a great one for always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I cannot be happy with the ways things are. If they're going smoothly, I am convinced it will be short lived. My gramma always said I was borrowing trouble. LOL That must be part of our Nature or nurture. Who knows? It's something we need to work on together, Amanda. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
Hi Amanda,
Thanks (((Jan)))
Ya I guess I did handle the thoughts well :)
My doctor suggested that it might be fibromyalgia but he thinks I'm too young for arthritis. I know of people who had eating disorders and got osteo, so I still don't count that out. I have 85% of the symptoms according to a questionnaire at about.com. I have not seen him recently (well last week, but we didn't talk about my joints and pain). I see him next Wednesday.
I see my pdoc tomorrow (well technically today). I may bring it up with her. She knows as part of my intake interview, but it doesn't really fall under her treatment. Still I want some advice on getting EI sick benefits and I still won't see my doc for almost a week. I hope that I can get EI.
I'll let you know how my pdoc appointment goes tomorrow.
My appt with the disability counsellor was good. We talked about personal stuff. I did mention that I wanted to get EI but that was the extent of that. There's nothing she can really do for me in that respect (she is my school disability counsellor so she gets me the accommodations I need for classes, not social services disability).
I'm trying to accept the peace I found (although it hasn't been the same since that night), but I'm trying to accept the first episode-free period in at least a year without worrying when I'll crash into depression or fly off into mania. I'm trying. Yes this is something we should work on!
Hugs,
Amanda
Thanks ((((Lori))))
Like I said, I guess I AM getting better at dealing with my urges (and the situations that cause them). I know I still have a long way to go. I think the DBT group I'll be joining when school starts again will help with that.
Work was definately causing me trouble. This is the longest I've been in a job (and that's only just under 3 years). How am I going to make it in the real world? I know I can't be changing jobs every 3 years. I really hope that once I find the job that fits I won't feel the need to leave. I am applying (hopefully tomorrow) for a couple teaching/tutoring positions, and hotel night auditor. I really want to teach and I need the experience, but if Shoppers Drug Mart didn't even call me back, how can I expect to get a good job like teaching?
I never thought about the connection to the abuse and worrying about the next crisis, but I can totally see that now. I am going to (when I find the strength) call the sexual assault centre and find someone to talk to there. I really need someone who specializes in it I think. Plus, I can't see myself bring it up with my tdoc. For some reason I just think she'd look at me differently. I've always been comfortable with my disability counsellor and found talking with her a bit easier. Although it gets me nowhere to tell her, it's not like we're going to spend any time working on it. All of a sudden though I've gone from not talking about it to at least admitting it happened to quite a few people (boards). I guess it will be good practice when I have to start all over with a new counsellor. Plus, with the abuser entering my life again and the increasing nightmares and flashbacks, I can't help but talk about it because it's always on my mind.
hugs,
Amanda
Hi Amanda,
Well I saw my pdoc today. As always I was nervous. Ugh. Why can't I get over that? She's a great person.
Anyway we decided that the perphenazine was helping and to continue that and the Wellbutrin, but she wants to bring me down off the Epival (at what I think is an outrageous pace of at least 2 months!). I told her when I was on the wellbutrin alone that it threw me into the atmosphere. (I don't think she believes me, that was before I started seeing her). Thankfully she is considering lithium after we come off the epival.
She says that I need to worry less about my weight and learn a new perspective on it. Bleh. Easy for her to say. She's not eating nearly nothing but salad and still gaining weight.
I filled her in on the nightmares and flashbacks. I think she thinks I should tell my mom about the SA, but that's not going to happen.
She reminded me to call the mental health clinic, which I guess i was supposed to do already, since I've been on the waiting list for 7 months already.
I told her I've renewed my sobriety and am going back to AA. I know I'm not as bad as some people, but I know I've been misusing alcohol and it isn't helping anything, so I might as well stay sober.
I guess that's about it for now.
Amanda
I think my biggest issue with weight has to do with the epival, which sucks. Last time I was able to lose weight all I did was cut out junk food and eat lots of salad. I think that's pretty much what I'm doing now, but it's not working. Maybe I'm eating more than I was before. I know what I was eating, but I don't know how much. I don't think my body's in starvation mode. As far as I know I'm eating a nearly normal amount. I might know better after this week's tdoc appointment. We are supposed to be looking at food.
I'm still "stable" which is encouraging and trying not to think about the time that will come when I'm depressed or manic again. I hope to accomplish a lot while I'm in this state. I really need to get my room/house/life organized, THEN start looking for another job, and finish up my correspondence course, as well as start studying for the psych course that I'm challenging for credit.
I really enojoyed my long weekend. Now that I quit my job I can actually do something on the weekend! It was so good to go to my aunt and uncle's cottage and take pictures, play my guitar and sing, go to the beach and look at stones and watch the sun set, have a campfire and look at the stars and shooting stars.
I did notice that I was feeling a little depressed by the time my meds wore off but felt better after I took them. I guess they really are doing *something*
I guess that's all for now.
Hugs,
Amanda
Yes, Amanda, the AD's do cause weight gain in some folks. I have read testimonials to that on the AD board here on iVillage. We women have a struggle with weight to begin with. @ least